Talk to Me Non-Violently

"We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel." - warns Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. in his bestseller Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.

Doctor Rosenberg opens his book by describing personal episodes of bullying by other boys during his school years and how it inspired him later to create a Nonviolent Communication Approach, addressing the problems of mutual understanding between humans on the ground of compassion. Largely, he asserts that the problem lies in our social programming and in the way, we are being taught from our formative years to behave with hostility towards ourselves and others.

Please, ponder over these:

How often do you feel anxious before speaking to your neighbours or co-workers? Do you often find your heart beat a little louder when you don't know how to express your feelings to our loved ones? I personally think through my conversations with my parents before I start a call to avoid a plethora of misunderstandings. Does that sound common to you?

I feel it does. You’re remarkable if it doesn’t, please receive my congratulations. For us-mortals, there's yet a room for optimism as the communication professionals like Dr. Rosenberg believe we can do better at enjoying genuine conversations with our colleagues, enemies (the author himself has successfully resolved conflicts among the sworn-enemies between Israel and Palestine and the warring tribes in northern Africa!), friends and our family members.

Dr. Rosenberg famously divides people into the two main categories: Jackals and Giraffes. Jackals embody the old-coercive ways that we employ while talk to others. "Why did you leave dirty dishes in the sink? You are such a swine". This is a common reaction which we exhibit more often than we'd like to. Jackal is stubborn, rigid and unwilling to understand their own emotions and those of others.

On the other hand, a Giraffe has the largest heart of all animals. Dr.Rosenberg describes that the sole purpose of the Giraffe communication mode is to "Give from the heart" while conversing with a person, adding that we can have just as heartfelt conversations as these familial creatures do if we are smart enough to apply more wisdom in our own lives.

He outlines 4 major steps to how we may begin to deal with our emotions and enjoy warm and violence-free communication with people.

1. Observe. (Observe ourselves and others non-judgementally start feeling compassion towards them)

2.Feel. (Understand your feelings and the feelings of others)

3.Needs. (Realize your needs and the needs of other person)

4.Request. (Communicate a concrete action you want other person to take).

This is the basic description of his technique and every aspect takes time to understand and start applying in our own lives. However, if we follow these steps we can all be soulful Giraffes and not detestable Jackals (there's absolutely nothing wrong with these creatures, it's purely a figure of speech).

We may all discover benefits from reading Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. Having come across it, I am now feeling more relaxed before making a phone call to my parents (as a Giraffe) and I genuinely hope that your relationships may as well improve through becoming familiar with what this illuminating book has to offer.

Works Cited

Rosenberg, Marshall B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2nd ed.). Encinitas CA: Puddledancer Press.