Surviving - Survival Mode

Surviving - Survival Mode By; Carolyna The Rambler

When our lives are together we don’t really think about surviving or what it’s like to be in a survival mode, because our lives are carefree and it gives us choices in life, and we don’t even think what it’s like to be surviving or be in survival mode because we want to manifest the good the positive, the good energy.

Personally I have struggled all my life for surviving and only my adult life I have been in survival mode, being an immigrant doesn’t help it makes life even worse, even though end of the day we are all immigrants, and that’s what I like about this country, it’s based of immigrants versus Scandinavia who once upon a time was 3 pure countries all thanks to USA, and forever grateful for that and I would do anything for this country.

Now back to surviving, what can surviving entail?

It can entail many things, like; Surviving the natural disasters, surviving from loss of loved one or and family, surviving from suicidal events or health like cancer and covid-19. We are so blessed to still be here today considering how many have lost their lives through covid, and school, concerts, and mall shootings there’s a lot we all have lost with huge events like these. We lose faith in humanity, we lose our senses of feeling safe, because at the end of the day as we have witnessed and heard from people close to us that anything can happen. And kind of funny because they say it’s more dangerous to walk outside than it is to drive but really it’s equally dangerous as there’s drive-by shootings whether you're in the car or not. There’s a lot that hasn’t changed from the 60s and 70s yet a lot has just in different ways.

And growing up we all are so innocent but then becoming an adult it can keep us innocent if we stick to one place and never leave the area or we go out to live and truly experience life with what it has to offer.

From birth my life has been a constant struggle of survival-mode shipped from hospital to home, to home to orphanage to home to home and back to orphanage 8 different home’s and 2 hospitals and 2 orphanages and being molested and physically abused, all before the age of 5, to stay strong to survive you have to stay positive and think about the good. But once you think you found a great forever home it gets short- lived, because now the life of being bullied starts and being brainwashed learning everything you do is your fault and the word no doesn’t exist or it’s ends up physical abuse or locked up, the worst was when I was locked out middle of the winter 15- celsius half naked multiple times for almost a full day, but again survival-mode comes in and we tell ourselves it could of been worse, it could of been overnight, and have to look at the positive. Then being shipped of to friend of the family where I get molested, you think it’s all in the past but then it happens for a full summer at age 12, then the loss of contact of bio family because they established their own and don’t need me around, hurts a lot and becomes surviving mode. Then at age 14 being thrown almost down the stairs but ends up with a big wound on back of my neck just because the thrown down the stairs wasn’t successful enough because of my reflexes, and thank god everyday for my reflexes another positive in the bad to survive than later same year being raped at a internship, and again see the positive, I didn’t get pregnant so life goes on in surviving mode. And then at age 18 bio becomes close with me again I am over the moon only to get the carpet ripped up beneath me, only because she wanted money of my inheritance she got close with her kids “my so called half siblings” Then the home I was in bought me a suitcase and said “well now you have a suitcase and can pack your things and leave, but the social workers are still paying for you so we guess we can let you stay in our home”. After 12 years of course I want to get as far as possible but stayed for a while then started work and travelling to find where I belong but as soon as I started my journey within 5 year span 19-24 I was raped twice, drug raped once, I got stalked by three people one turned dangerous stalking while the other turned more possessive more of harassment stalking years to come, finally at age 36 it all ended thank god, but it’s been though and in between all I got married turned domestic violence and had to flee for my life and living on the streets on and off. And again I look at the positive for each event but I do ask do I have a label stating use and abuse me, on my forehead? And the answer is no I am conservative I cover myself I am not some easy target yet, I seem to be because being in constant survival mode seems to never end. I am thankful because while being homeless I still had people in my corner even if they were struggling themselves they had faith in me and while being on the streets and living there are rules to follow but they accepted me yet I didn’t go by there rules, and I felt protected by the Hollywood, CA Police as they would often stop by me and strike up a conversation with me or wave when passing by, I felt safe with them patrolling the area while on the streets. And people who have tried to help me throughout my life are a godsend because I can strongly say I would not be here if it wasn’t for them, I also believe we have people in our lives for a reason we just need to figure out the reason and the lesson in itself.

I have dreams I have experienced some of my dreams come true, but dreams are temporary and we have to build upon it and that is not easy when your in constant survival mode, but I think, I believe that’s why I started Carolyna the Rambler because I know I am not alone surviving and being in survival mode, I want to build a support system where we all come together and inspire and motivate and learn from each other, a community that gives us strength to live. I am tired of surviving but I will keep fighting for my life because I know I am worth more and I know you are worth more regardless of what you've been through.

My short summary of my experiences is just a part of my life. It's not even all of my bad luck or path of life, but that for another article. I am sharing this because I believe in being open and honest I believe in sharing because you may be afraid of sharing because people may say about you, but I have come to a point in life, that I believe in sharing to let you know we all are surviving in one way or another and we shouldn’t be alone with our thoughts unless we truly have the strength to live on and can be successful in life, but even then it’s still good to have an outlet to share your story how you got to where you are in life from your experience in life.

I am 43 soon, living in a household with 4 men who just purchased weapons but they took me in when no one else couldn’t, so I have to appreciate that and look at the positive, but I am afraid because I don’t feel safe because they tried to get favors of me and I keep denying and question is how long can I deny them and be safe before it’s to late or can I get out of it, but how would I get out. So many questions but I am surviving, it’s part of life I tell myself to keep my head straight. My dog keeps me wanting to keep going and Carolyna the Rambler community that is pretty much non existent yet still there is always hope. Self awareness has been a blessing yet a curse because the more self aware we are, we can be, it’s still frightening what we see. .