Sun Kisses Under the Moon Light

I opened up a text and there it was, another damn honor to be in another wedding. I mean don’t get me wrong I love a good love story that ends in a white dress and a nicely dressed suit or tux in front of the alter. But since 2015 until now 2017, I’m the asshole sweating bullets on the other side, reminding myself not to lock my knees. And of course, I said yes. It’s my cousin how could I not love it?

I must have ordered two pair of black dress shoes and two pair of different style charcoal pants, all because I had to match everything from a distance; being that I live 8 hours away and couldn’t coordinate any other way at that moment. Not because I couldn’t make it, but you know...Life and shit happened. Despite my quarrels with relationships at that moment didn’t matter, because this love was good and healthy that I was about to honor.

Now it is going to take me awhile to get back to this wedding, I mean for the sake of the book you got to live a little. Plus, I can be devilishly long winded, but in this moment if you can bear with me, you will surely laugh a little bit or cry. Either way, welcome to the chapter of 36.

So obviously, it took some real hard work to move me this time, but when I moved I did it with a purpose. This love had been toxic for a while and no trip or time alone would fix it. So, it was not so bad when I realized how much I felt in just understanding that I didn’t loss anything. I didn’t loss time, because I gained a lesson. That type of woman was no longer my definition of not only love, but the epitome of Serendipity or the woman I now saw myself with. So, as she traveled to concerts and went on bae cations leaving all of her possessions in my house like a storage facility. I worked on rebuilding my finances, practicing my self-care and packing shit into boxes labeled as closure on the inside of the lids.

It would be months until I even considered that horrible word “dating” again. I mean fucking spare me. That word was like a sheer reminisce of hell to me in my 30s, but I could at least see what had changed out in the LGBTQ world. Right? I mean how could I truly say I believed in the pursuit of happiness and love if I just avoided the smell of it? Of course, I’m a hopeless fucking romantic; how could I not be? I mean I like to create drawings and doodles and sing, so that’s somewhat of an artist; which I feel like a hopeless romantic is the damn near equivalence of a starving one. So hopeless that this is my grand definition of love. Love is a beautiful creation in a person that believes it to be the only thing that can turn the hardened soft, make a person want to do better, create families and among so many other positive life-altering, mind shattering things; is so worth any and everything.

I told myself that I wasn’t looking for anything, because she needed to be a friend first to ever understand the magnitude of my love this time around. At least that’s what I wrote on my manifest paper. Between all my readings, I liked that idea most other than the burning rituals, that I had gotten so damn good at. I mean that release shit is like left eyeing the shit out of a house, except it’s on a little sheet of paper. HUGE RELEASE!

But the manifestation of love that I put out into the universe was my own fear that I had to get ready for. See it’s scary to know that one day someone will approach you and they will change your life or make it so much more colorful. Or that they could possibly be a bit of the opposite, but just enough of everything else you imagined them to be. Even more scary they can be a whole damn demon in a meat suit that knows all of your wants and needs. Never mind just throw the whole damn paper away!

“Just Joking!!”

My little manifestation went a little something like this:

As I walk into the vortex, I bring with me my seed. I no longer crave the happy endings; I just ask for happy beginnings. I don’t want to mimic other creations, I want the unprecedented ones. I want her to look like a friend, but put me in my place when I’m wrong and not harbor any unintentional pain I may cause in all of my first and last times. I want to be able to talk to her about anything and nothing at the same damn time. We could look at each other and just go with the day or lay in the bed and watch movies as the day rolls. She should be hilarious, because I’m definitely funny as hell. She didn’t have to be religious but spiritual to some degree; I didn’t need the confused puppy dog look when she saw my crystals and sage shit laying around. She needs to have ambition and be able to stand on her own as a smart, healing, loving, compassionate, honest, calming, willing to build something more and complete on her own or at least working on it; woman. As I was, as I Am.

Next thing I know the first aberration or façade; whatever you want to label it fell into my lap. She was a friend and I knew her. At least, I thought I did. But that’s neither here nor there, because it fooled me but it was definitely needed. I wish I could blame her, but when I look at it, we used each other for two different things. She used me as a distraction from a toxic relationship and I used her for what I thought was potential, because of how we interacted with one another, completely overlooking her manipulative ways because I began to focus more on this beautiful child she had created. I fell in love with the very thing I couldn’t have and oh my God it was beautiful, fun and different. So, naturally I now understood the lesbian connection to a kid that is NOT yours. This child had a hold on me that I though was me just accepting him as part of a package, not realizing that he had become more of the reason for the package. It was almost time for my trip and we had already not talked in days, okay I’m lying. It was definitely weeks, but who was counting. I knew it was something when I had a trip planned and never really asked her to go.

On the plane I had made a conscious decision that before returning to the states I would have a discussion that would surely not go well, but end the way I had already predicted it to; somewhere between no communication, no shows and no invitation. But dammit what about the kid?

Hello Punta Cana...What’s Up?!

I check into my room and of course I’m damn near late for the rehearsal. It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do what I wanted to do first and have to run to the next location. I’m so excited to see my cousin I damn near cry. You see she’s that little cousin that will visit two or three times a year without question. Answer her phone late at night just to hear you talk shit and laugh. She had found a beautiful love and the first thing she says, “I got a friend for you and ya’ll gonna hang together”.

First of all “NO”! I am 1 hour into my trip and I am not about to meet another person on this back to mindfulness getaway.

FUCK I LIED...How dare my cousin invite this beautiful woman to her wedding, secretly saying thank GOD.

She was easy to spot, because she stood out. I don’t know how this little short lady managed to do that from the other end of the table, but she did and instantly I tried my best to be silent. It was time to eat and “WTF is this green unknown leaf shit on this BAR!!!” “

Anybody know what this is? It says Caesar salad, but it looks like Bok Choy to me”.

Then it happened. What did Channing Tatum say in “The Vow”?

"The moment of impact. The moment of impact proves potential for change. Has ripple effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together. Making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures. Landing them where you've never thought you've found them. That's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how it's going to affect you. You just got to let the colliding part go where they may. And wait for the next collision."

A voice, from out of nowhere said, “No, I don’t think that is Bok Choy. But I’m gonna try it”. It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say something as cute as, “I’m not!” Looks disgusting to me with a shoulder shrug to top it off. That’s what my flirting looks like, knowing damn well that girl had me at “No”. From the end of dinner; we found ourselves talking more and more, from slot machines to an empty dance floor.

And I do mean empty, I had to change that ASAP because I needed to dance as a distraction. I was happy to become the DJ for free if it allowed me to see her dance. She already made me laugh, which was a plus but if she can dance like I think she can...I’m in trouble.

Well folks...I’m in trouble the night ends, but we don’t.

We walk to the beach and as we sit down and while looking in her beautiful bright eyes, she gets up sits on my lap and kisses me with the warmth of a sun’s kiss, under the moonlight. That’s when shit got scary.

My soul exhaled and my mind screamed, “Where the fuck did you come from Bright Eyes?!?!”

For the first time in I don’t know.... Ever...I did the walk of shame and of course someone saw me, because the long way was the wrong way. I got into in my room and damn near danced my ass off, but I had to get ready for the wedding. Walking back over towards that building gave me a feeling I couldn’t even explain and that feeling never wavered, but my dumbass had the urge to remember that I said some stupid shit like you know what this is right from the other night. Knowing damn well, I wasn’t going to be in the same situation when I got back, I just really felt like for some reason it needed to be said because I needed to close that door first. She was not the reason for the door closing, but she was the motivation to look at the reality. I was no longer in a space of tunnel vision that made me want to stay, I had moved on somewhere within and that was okay.

I appreciated the moment we had in such a short time. We even tried to see if it could work, but quickly the red flags required a white one from me waving in the distance. I wanted something like an adventure, she wanted an adventure identical to the one she was fresh off of. I was not looking to be molded with pressure into something familiar, but to at least let chips of me happen as times and patience allowed me to become something else; someone else. I wanted to emerge from the mud and she wanted a quick mutation of what she though her "ONE", should look and be like. So, I bowed out gracefully as she mutilated my character with each blocked text and dm.

I don't regret her because she showed me I was ready to close the door I had walked away from, but as I closed that one; I quickly got the reminder that pretty doors also have some ugly rooms. Needless to say; I'm good lol.

To the sun kisses from the moon light, I appreciated your affection when needed and acknowledge that you were just a fast burn from the night to the transition of day. You were only there to remind me of what could be one day, but only after seeing all of the rooms.

Be Blessed Everyone and may the doors you enter reveal their rooms with compassion and grace. Allowing understanding and the necessary room for unpacking things along the journey with care and support.