Success and Failure

Being entirely realistic, the only person who has ever sabotaged me is myself. I don't have any evil villain or arch nemesis to take down or strategically blame for my plans not coming off. But how great would that be! I think I might name her Sharon. Any time funding doesn't come through, or a project being greenlit is pushed back from now on it's all Sharon. Absolutely nothing to do with me. It's That bitch.

But putting Sharon temporarily on the shelf. I've been trying to work out why I seem to be so intent on fumbling my future. People say to imagine your outcomes, "manifest" has become a word so deeply entrenched in our collective vocabulary but if I'm honest I'm not sure I know what it means. Everytime I imagine my future, my most successful* self I picture pitchforks coming for me. If I'm running a business, then it's destroyed. If I'm in a marriage, it turns controlling. If I'm a parent, I ruin my kid's life. Objectively, these are things I want. Business, Marriage, Kids**. But I have this feeling that all these things come with a punishment, something that far outweighs the 'realistic expectations' conversation that people are now having about these topics.

Being afraid of success is a bizarre thing, because it feels so ridiculous and smart at the same time. I worked in entertainment for 10 years and I had close friends reach incredible levels of 'success' and the problems that they faced mirrored my own, but now they had an audience. Now they became targets of para-social relationships and even close friends started to see them as opportunities, not people. I dated someone who had achieved a level of financial and career success I will never reach, not because I wasn't capable, but because dating them served as a warning to what happens to your community, relationships, and identity when everyone wants something from you.

It's a humbling moment to see the famous up close and realise that the 'sacrifices' they make, really, really aren't worth it. And they are in too deep to walk away. To pity the rich, is not a position I ever thought I would be in.

On the other hand, I find myself now living a very very simple life. I have a wonderful home, a beautiful community, and (for the first time ever!) my health! But I can see what's coming. I can see that whilst I have a home, many of my friend's housing is increasingly volatile. I can see the pressures that not prioritising financial stability/success can put on a community. What I need as an individual has massively changed, I no longer want the Big house, just a home big enough for friends to stay when they need it. I no longer want household recognition, just to be known and loved by my friends. I no longer want the countless opportunities of wealth, I just want to take care of my parents as they age.

Those should be simple and achievable things for everyone, but in the current state of affairs, they aren't. In order to have a home, have time for my friends, and take care of my parents, I will need a level of success that requires an aggressive and smart business strategy. I'm having to re-frame my future in a way I didn't see coming. I don't have the option to coast, gamble, or hope for the best. I have people I love who I need to take care of. And isn't that terrifying?

Money doesn't buy happiness, but Poverty is a core cause of Depression.

People with high net worth are often unable to empathize and struggle to make friends, but people without financial autonomy are pushed into isolation.

I have seen extreme wealth and extreme poverty, and I want neither. Both scare me.

But a life where I do nothing terrifies me more.

*subject to interpretation I know.

**Eeek, that's the first time I've admitted that.