Subtle

His eyes would never sparkle as brightly as they had all those years ago, and maybe Samuel should take responsibility for that. He had never been good at expressing himself, or showing how much he cared. It had always come easier Arthur, and even now when they're together Samuel still has a hard time showing beyond brief kisses and gentle touches that he would give up anything he owned if only Arthur would smile like he had on the day they had met. But Arthur had never seemed to mind as much, and in fact, he often called it endearing that Samuel could barely hold his hand in public without feeling out of place; but he tried for Arthur.

It was different now, after everything that they had been through. Time seemed slower, and their voices quieter in the already still apartment that they had been sharing. It was his fault, wasn't it? Samuel hadn't been able to protect him like he had promised, and people who had been looking for him found Arthur instead. But he knew Arthur would never blame him for it; he'd never look at Samuel's sorted past as a reason for what had happened. "An accident," is what he had called it. The reassurance hadn't made Samuel feel any better about it, but he couldn't live without Arthur - couldn't breathe without his love next to him with that beautifully optimistic smile and kind face that he carried everywhere with him, so he let Arthur keep his reason even though he knew he was the real one.

Sometimes he does wonder if Arthur is just settling for him; he wonders if he's good enough to be with someone as kind and selfless as he is after everything that Samuel has done. But every time he thinks like that Arthur is right there to remind him why Samuel needs him so completely. He wonders sometimes how he had ever gotten through life before they had met - stared across the counter at one another when Arthur had smiled so brightly that Samuel thought it must be some sort of drug. If Arthur walked away, Samuel wouldn't blame him. He wasn't exactly a stable person, and an even less affectionate one. If Arthur up and left one day without a word, he would understand it - in fact he was usually expecting it. But he never left. He was always there even when Samuel would disappear for months on end without explanation or when his very being there would put Arthur in danger - he always stayed at his side. It was more than he deserved but it was everything that he needed.

Samuel had almost let it all slip through his fingers like he was holding a fist full of sand and wanting it pour through his hand without being able to stop it. Arthur had gotten hurt. He had been the reason for it; he was the reason Arthur didn't smile as bright anymore or laugh as loudly. Samuel would always be the reason even if Arthur assured him it didn't matter. It mattered. He would be making it up for as long as Arthur would let him.

They're still happy. They still live in a small apartment that faces the waterfront, and Arthur had even opened a small bookshop that sits below them. It's nice. Different than the life that Samuel had lived for so long, and even though he would have a hard time settling down, it was what Arthur wanted. Anything for him. Samuel had put him through so much already that he was willing to settle down for him - to slow his pace of living. As long as Arthur was happy he could be too.