Stop Chasing Love

-You cannot bargain for love. Real love is offered, not extracted. Chasing people who won’t love you is self-abandonment disguised as devotion.

- Spiritually: you are already made of love. Practically: misattuned pursuit trains your nervous system to equate anxiety with attraction.

Why Chasing Feels So Compelling

- Intermittent reinforcement: sporadic replies and crumbs wire your brain like a slot machine.

- Attachment imprints: early experiences teach you to over-function for scraps to feel safe.

- Ego dynamics: ego believes love is scarce and must be controlled; soul knows love as an ever-present field you align with, not a person you possess.

- Identity loop: “If I can get them to choose me, I’ll finally be enough.” The chase becomes an attempt to self-heal through another’s approval.

Recognize the Pattern

- You feel anxious without their responses, relieved when they ping you, crash when they don’t.

- You rationalize red flags and rewrite reality to keep the fantasy alive.

- You pursue potential over pattern.

- You feel smaller around them, perform instead of relax.

- You abandon sleep, values, hobbies to be available.

- You accept unclarity to avoid loss.

- You confuse intensity with intimacy.

- Your friends don’t like how you act around them.

- Your body says no (tight chest, shallow breath) while your mind says “just one more try.”

- You keep hoping a perfect message will fix everything.

Principles to Break the Spell

- Non-attachment: you can deeply care without gripping outcomes.

- Dignity of the soul: being chosen by yourself is the prerequisite to being chosen by the right other.

- Alignment over addiction: if contact raises anxiety and lowers self-respect, it’s not love, it’s withdrawal management.

- Reciprocity is the minimum, not the prize.

The 12-Step Spiritual-Practical Reset

1) Radical truth inventory

- Write what you’ve done to keep their attention. Name the bargains you made against yourself. Truth ends trance.

2) Sever the reinforcement loop

- Unfollow/mute, delete threads, box up gifts, return or donate. No-contact isn’t punishment; it’s rehab for your nervous system.

3) Ritualize release

- Write a letter you won’t send. Bless and release: “I return your choices to you. I reclaim my energy.” Burn or bury it safely.

4) Regulate the body

- 4-7-8 breathing, five minutes twice daily.

- 90-second wave: when cravings hit, breathe and watch the urge crest and pass.

- Humming or VOO chanting to stimulate vagal tone.

- Walks in daylight; movement metabolizes longing.

5) Reparent your inner child

- Morning check-in: hand on heart, “What do you need today?” Promise three doable acts of care. Keep them.

6) Build a self-trust bank

- Keep tiny promises: two-minute tidy, one glass of water upon waking, five pushups. Small consistent wins rewire identity.

7) Boundaries that protect your future

- Non-negotiables: honesty, consistency, effort. Process: ask once, clarify once, decide. Consequence: step back if unmet.

8) Spiritual anchoring

- Daily stillness: 10 minutes observing breath.

- Loving-kindness: “May I be safe. May I be loved. May I be free.” Then extend to them without reopening contact.

- Gratitude for what you can control: breath, body, choices.

9) Community and witness

- Identify three secure supports. Tell them your plan and the help word you’ll text before you relapse.

10) Purpose project

- Choose a 30-day goal that matters (health, skill, service). Track inputs daily. Replace compulsion with creation.

11) Dating sabbatical

- 30 days minimum. No texting exes, no breadcrumbing, no swiping. Let your receptors recalibrate.

12) Conscious re-entry

- When you date again: vet for green flags ... clear communication, steady effort, repair after rupture, value alignment, your nervous system feels safe.

30-Day Plan

Week 1: Separation and Stabilization

- Delete/mute, ritual release, tell your supports. Daily breathwork, 30-minute walks, early bedtime. No-contact counter visible.

Week 2: Return to Body

- Regular meals, hydration, strength and mobility. Journal prompts: What love cost me. How I abandon myself. What safety feels like.

Week 3: Reparenting and Purpose

- Daily inner child note and response. Start your purpose project with measurable inputs. Meet a friend twice.

Week 4: Repatterning Relationships

- Write your non-negotiables and dating standards. Practice boundary scripts. Schedule nourishing plans for the next month.

Daily Micro-Practices (pick 3–5)

- One loving-kindness set.

- 10-minute tidy.

- Nature exposure.

- Single-task one meal.

- Reach out to one safe person.

- Read something that expands you, not just distracts you.

Relapse Plan

- If you contact them: 24-hour pause, call a friend, reread your truth inventory and letter, do breathwork, recommit. Treat it like a slip, not a verdict.

Scripts

- Declining ambiguity: “I’m looking for clarity and consistency. If that’s not where you are, I’m stepping back. Wishing you well.”

- Boundary after mixed signals: “When communication drops, I feel off-balance. If that continues, I’ll take space.”

Measuring Progress

- Body index: sleep, appetite, tension.

- Self-respect index: did I keep my promises?

- Connection index: quality time with secure people.

- Creation index: purpose project inputs.

- Craving intensity: rate urges; watch them decline over weeks.

Core Truths to Remember

- Love isn’t scarce; misaligned love is. Aligned love requires aligned self.

- Rejection is redirection; indifference is information.

- Your soul is not waiting to be chosen; it’s waiting to be expressed.

Mantras

- I do not chase; I choose.

- My attention is sacred.

- I release what is not reciprocal.

- I am the home I’ve been seeking.

Julia O’Hara 2025

THANK YOU for reading my work. I am a global nomad/permanent traveler, or Coddiwombler, if you will, and I move from place to place about every three months. I am currently in Peru and heading to Chile in a few days and from there, who knows? I enjoy writing articles, stories, songs and poems about life, spirituality and my travels. You can find my songs linked below. Feel free to like and subscribe on any of the platforms. And if you are inspired to, tips are always appreciated, but not necessary. I just like sharing.

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