Stop Asking Our Loved Ones When They Are Getting Married. Like, Now.

My husband tells this story about the time he told someone to f* off at a wedding. Still to this day I wondered how much he had to drink before he worked up the extreme confidence to say it.

He was there with his ex. They had been dating for a while and everyone in their shared friendship group was walking down the aisle. Wedding after wedding like everyone they knew was joining some cult. The married cult.

His ex was a bridesmaid for this wedding, so my now husband sat with all the other partners of the bridal party. He noticed when looking around the table that he was the only one not married.

He didn't point it out to anyone, though. There was no need to bring attention to it.

But someone always does. It was the best man's wife. She said to him, 

"Come on, when are you going to propose and get married?"

My husband looked at her and ever so succinctly replied, "F**k off." And walked out of the wedding.

We don't talk about this story much, because we don't spend considerable amounts of time talking about our exes. But I know how much it sucked to be my husband that night. 

He hated the way people interrogated his relationship decisions. And how he had to answer people about his future. A future he hadn't quite figured out. A future he thought was private to him.

And I bet those people continue to ask others the same question. 

So to all those who keep this conversation alive, I ask you to stop. Here's why.

The truth? Yeah, good luck with that!

Here's the first issue with asking this question; are you going to get the truth? 

Sure, you could say this of asking any question. But this is such a highly personal subject, people in this position have a greater incentive to lie to you. The reasons are:

• They don't want you to know their plans and subsequently judge them - It's better to lie than giveaway a plan or idea that isn't the social norm.
• They don't have an answer so they lie to appease you - It's better than saying they don't know or don't care to know.
• They tell you what you want to hear rather than the truth - They will say whatever they can to get you off their back.
• They don't think you deserve to know the truth - Perhaps it's your relationship with them or the fact you're being nosey about a sensitive topic.

In short, asking could be a gigantic waste of your time. Even if they give you an answer, is it the truth? You never know.

You're asking a human what it's like to be a giraffe

Bare with me on this one, but people aren't going to take too well to the idea you're asking them about marriage. Because it's a hard question to answer when you don't know what marriage is.

Sure, people can like the idea of getting married. Or they can assume a long-term relationship is the same as being in a marriage. But it's not the same as physically engaging in marriage, despite the parallels.

A more accurate question could be, "Are you open to the idea of marriage?"

Though it sounds like I'm splitting hairs, this question is far more approachable and sympathetic to a person's relationship situation. The question:

• Doesn't imply any pressure to get married.
• Doesn't infer a time or date for a proposal or wedding.
• Doesn't lock the person into the idea of getting married and gives them the freedom to change their mind later.
• Comes across as less aggressive and less like an interrogation

But it might not be a giraffe. It could be the elephant in the room…

Asking a single person when they're getting married is probably one of the rudest things you can do. 

I shouldn't need to explain this, but so many still think it's acceptable to grill the singles about their future. 

The following are the reasons why I would avoid this line of questioning:

• You can hit a sore spot - Or a very sensitive spot. The same goes for someone in a relationship, for that. The idea of marriage might make them upset, especially if they're recently single or once engaged. Or they've been looking and haven't found it yet.
• You can imply they aren't doing enough - The fact you're talking about marriage before dating can easily seem like evaluating the single person's efforts. Or like their current situation isn't acceptable. If they're trying to find a date, imagine how demoralising it would be to bring up how far behind they are in the marriage game.
• It's not relevant to where they're at now - Talking about marriage when you're single is like talking about running when you're learning to crawl. Why do you need to jump the gun? Why are you skipping to the next steps when they aren't dating yet? It's like you forget how marriage works.

Whether you're asking a single person or someone in a committed relationship, you don't know what feelings and pain you're dealing with. 

It can seem like an innocent topic, but relationships are never that straightforward.

And you never know how someone is going to interpret your questioning. They may seem fine with it, but never tell you how hurtful it is. 

Or they might react like my husband and one question might destroy your relationship with them forever.

Your investment in their life is weird

I'm guilty of asking people this question. I know I have stuck my nose into other people's love lives and made their personal situation my business. 

I wouldn't want it done to me, but for some reason, I've done it to them. There's a hypocrite in everyone.

I know on my part I've asked because of the following reasons:

• It seemed like I should ask - That 'should' approach was something I placed upon the situation, not what people told me to do. I thought it was a way of showing someone I was caring about their life, like asking them how their work is, or how their day was.
• It seemed like a socially acceptable question - I've had the question asked of me. I've heard others ask the question, so why would it be wrong of me to do the same thing? Monkey see monkey do and all that.
• I assume they needed someone to talk to - If I was close enough to the person, I thought it was something they would want me to ask so they could talk about it. That's an assumption, a rather large one, about this topic.

But in reality, asking someone:

• Makes us look like we have an invested interest in them getting married - The question implies their marriage changes our life. Or it improves our life and or has an impact on what we do in life. It almost puts us in the person's love life, like a triangle relationship.
• Makes us look like we care more than we do - Asking can make us sound like we stay up at night worrying about their marriage status. It sounds like the situation gives us anxiety.
• Make us look nosey rather than caring - And for all our good intentions, this won't always come across the way we hope.

Asking won't change the outcome

And if you still feel like it's your place to ask, the logic isn't on your side. Because no matter how many times you ask, no matter how much you stick your nose into the situation, it won't change what the other person does.

Sometimes we think our interrogation, our pushing and gentle shoving, might convince the person to do something with their love life. 

Or it will encourage the person to answer truthfully and talk about their life more.

Whatever the reason why you ask, and whatever intention you have for asking, the outcome won't change. The unmarried people will get married when they're ready.

And they'll tell you when they're ready too.