Stay by Antoinette

The world around you is dark and gloomy.

Every decision feels like a wrong turn on a twisted path, every minute a sharp hit on the brakes.

The things you look forward to, are gone, or so pushed into the distance, they are a blur on the horizon. The light at the end of the tunnel looks as if it has gone out. All doors seem slammed shut and you're too afraid to knock.

The art you practiced, doesn't seem so enjoyable any longer. The sport you tried your hand at, can't be done. All you seem to be good at right now is hitting rock bottom. Food that made you happy, you refuse to eat. You haven't truly laughed in days Life wasn't perfect before but comparatively, damn it was close.

Now, you feel completely alone.

The people in your house seem more like villains than family. Communication is strained between friends, emotions are high and you could cut the tension in each room with a knife.

The knife you could have used to cut the tension, grazes your skin and cuts deep. Too deep. But, you continue, you feel something other than sadness and heartbreak, pain. You stop cutting ad think.

They should be worried, shouldn't they?

But you pushed them all away, now you're alone, and now you have no where, no one to turn to , you're scared of yourself. Scared of the person staring back at you in the mirror, scared of who you've become. A one-emotion monster.

You promised your friends you wouldn't cut again, you promised your parents and the doctor that you were better. You promised that you were okay. You told them not to worry. You promised you would take your medicine.

The medicine is pilled on your hand. The entire bottle balanced in your palm. If you took these pills, you'd be ice cold on the bathroom floor. The light would return and your pain would go away. The gates of heaven would open and everything would be better.

Something is preventing you from throwing your head back and ending it all. You can't put your finger on it, but something is stopping you. You throw all the pills to the ground, they bounce and rattle until they settle down. You fall to your knees, You let it all go. You let out a sob, one of many to come, it racks your body. You feel every emotion go through your body, you let all the pain you are feeling out.

You forget how you've gotten to this point, shattered on your bathroom floor , with pills scattered about. Part of you wants someone to bust through the door and hold you and tell you it'll be okay. Part of you dreads that it will happen.

You hear a whistle from your phone.

You trudge to your phone, still crying, but curious to see what the notification was. Maybe an update from the news, maybe some unrelated good news?

The brightness of the screen hurts your eyes.

It's a text: "Hey bb! I saw this and thought of you, hope you're doing alright"

It was a funny tweet and it made you chuckle.

You know why you can't swallow the pills, you know why you have to stick around. You know your reason to live. It's your friends, your second family, your dog, cat, fish, bird or snake. That member of the family that always has a story to tell. That story you never finished writing or that painting or the YouTube video you haven't finished watching. You stay because your favorite show hasn't had its finale, the way you feel when someone laughs at something you said or when you win a monopoly game at 4 hours of ruthless playing. It's your best friend's smile. It's butterflies and bubbles. It's eating frosting straight out of the can or filling your mouth with whipped cream. It's drinking red bull and staying up late. It's inside jokes. It's music or dance. It's the goals you have or want to achieve. Maybe it's finding your soulmate and falling in love. Maybe it's acting in a movie. Maybe it's winning a Tony or becoming MVP. It might be coaching an NFL team, it might be playing on an NFL team. It might be your job you love or your kids or the kids you wish to have. This is why you don't swallow the pills.

My dear, your story is not over, it has only just begun.