Sour Grapes

My mother is the most evil person in the entire world. I didn't realize that she was evil while growing up. I thought that she was a good person. I didn't also realize that I had severe childhood trauma. To heal myself from my trauma, I had to destroy all the foundations that are deep rooted in my brain. However, it was not just my mom who was a bad influence in my life. My grandmother too was evil with me. I was cursed with generational trauma.

To narrate my life story, I will start with my grandmother. My grandmother was a narcissist. She also had a lot of anxiety. When she was 16 years old, her cousin stole her precious gold necklace. I think, she got severely traumatized for it. She lived day to day since then. She constantly had panic attacks. When I was 13, my parents took divorce. My grandmother got so triggered by her daughter's divorce that she started having panic attacks again. She hated my dad and suddenly started hating me too. I lived with my grand parents from my eighth grade through tenth grade. She was constantly reminded about my dad every time she saw me. She used to bully me by comparing me with him.

She was constantly looking for a reason to yell at me. We never had normal lite-hearted conversations at all. She used to try to bully me even if I talked. I tried my best not to get yelled at her. Every day, I ran to my room as soon as I got home from school. I used to try to spend as much time as possible in my room. She used to yell at me even when I get a 99%. She was very unreasonable. So, I used to study all the time in my room. She was constantly watching me like a hawk. One day during holidays (after exams), I took a break from studies and watched TV for 10 minutes. My grandmother found an opening to yell at me. She immediately screamed at me. She shamed me by saying that I was bringing disgrace to my mother by not studying. A normal grandmother would encourage her hard working granddaughter to take a break from studies. She would try to have a nice conversation with her granddaughter.

One day, I went home late. She asked where I had gone. I told that I went to my friend's place to get my hall ticket. She asked me to show it. I told that it was downstairs in my bike. She demanded me to go get it. I refused. She then immediately screamed in front of my grandfather that I was lying. She didn't know if I was telling the truth. She chose not to trust me as she didn't want to loose the golden opportunity to yell at me (in case I was lying). I went downstairs and brought the ticket. She calmly took it. She never apologized to me. Living with her was like walking on egg shells.

I lived with my mom from my 11th grade. Mom felt happy when others had problems (including her own daughter). She was narcisssistic, greedy, and very evil. She was worse than my grandmother. My grandmother at least punished me for the things that she saw with her own eyes. My mom punished me for the things that she imagined in her head. Every day, every minute, she thought only about my academic performance. She was obsessed with my grades. She started having panic attacks when my grades started dropping in my 11th grade. In any situation, she used to imagine the worst and narrate a story to me that concluded that I didn't study. I used to tell her that it wasn't true and that I studied. She used to say that she wouldn't believe me. Every single day, she came up with infinite stories about how I didn't study. I had to defend myself endlessly only for her to not believe me and yell at me anyway. It was very difficult to live with her. I studied all the time only to get yelled at by her each and every minute. For example: One day, she didn't find money in my wallet. She automatically assumed that I watched a movie (and hence didn't study). She screamed and called me names. She didn't believe me when I told that I bought two ice creams with it. She threatened me that she would check on it. I didn't stop her. She went to the store to verify the cost of ice cream.

She was extremely greedy. Even when one child got better grades than me, she would still punish me. She wouldn't even let me talk. Every single time I talked, she cut me in the middle and demanded how I knew that informaion. She wouldn't even listen to my answer and make a manipulative story about how I couldn't have studied. There was never a nice mother-daughter conversation between us. I had no peace of mind. Living with her too was like walking on egg shells.

Then I remembered my high school friend Siddhi. Siddhi was a narcissist. She had absolutely zero empathy. One day, I brought lunch for her from the main gate. Instead of thanking me, she yelled at me saying that she wanted to ask her driver to get candy for her and I ruined that chance. She continued that she wouldn't forgive me even if I said 'sorry'. Another time, I had candy on me. I gave it two small kids. She screamed at me saying that I was encouraging them to go visit her. She had no empathy to think that it wasn't my intention to hurt her. She only thought if the outcomes of my actions were hurting her in any way. When I compared mom with Siddhi, I understood why mom freedly yelled at me for the things that she imagined in her head. Mom too had no empathy to think that she was wrong.

Mom's ultimate goal was to get me to get the best possible grades. The only way she thought she could make it possible was by punishing me. She punished me every day. She imprisoned me in my room and forced me to study. I wasn't allowed to take any breaks like TV, phone, etc. She wouldn't even let me be at peace when I used the bathroom. She made up manipulative stories and yelled at me as much as could. Still, she couldn't get me to get the grades she wanted from me. So, I had become a sour grape. She started badmouthing me to my grandparents as a means to calm down her anxiety and anger. She was finding pleasure in badmouthing me. For example:

1) It seemed that I knew math better than her so I was too arrogant to listen to her. I never told her that she was dumb. She was imagining this in her head and badmouthing me.

2) It seemed that I never asked her to give birth to me. So, I wouldn't study. I never told her that. She was trying to badmouth me as much as possible.

3) It seemed that I went to my previous school against her wishes in my 8th grade and troubled everybody. Why was she bringing up something that happened 4 years ago?

4) It seemed that other kids were upset when they accidentally took a nap and I wasn't like them. I was studying all the time. She still felt that I was not studying as much as the other kids. She was so blind.

5) It seemed that I was not beautiful, I didn't own any properties, I didn't study well, and I wasn't intelligent. My grandmother kept relaying this to me over and over again. A normal mother will never call her child "ugly".

All I did was study all the time. Still, she was telling endless stories either by badmouthing me, comparing me with others, or bringing up things from my past. I didn't know what else I could do to please her. I had no choice but to listen to her with my head bent down and not utter a word. If I talked in my defence, she would dismiss me readily. She told my grandparents that I was too arrogant to talk to my stepfather despite me getting bad grades. I spoke in my defense and told that he hurt me. She said that it wasn't true very dismissively. A normal mother will feel bad when her child says that she felt bad. She will try to defend her daughter. However, my mom not only made up false stories against me, but she also wouldn't let me defend myself. She was a monster mom.

In college, I was in a relationship with Varun. I broke up with him when I realized that he was very controlling. He didn't want to break up with me and was very heartbroken. He begged me a lot. After all the begging, I had become a sour grape. He began collecting dirt on me in an attempt to feel better. He called me many names and started badmouthing me to others. A year later, he apologized to me. When I compared Varun with mom, I understood that I had become a sour grape for her too. However, she never apologized to me.

When my stepfather badmouthed about me, she would join him in bullying me. When I said things about my stepfather, she readily dismissed me. When I told her that he touched me inappropriately, she didn't even believe me. He called me "ugly". She didn't stop him. A normal mother will slap her husband if he calls her child "ugly". I screamed at him. Mom was so angry at me. She screamed at me. She couldn't even sleep the entire night. She kept waking me up and yelling at me. Finally, when I woke up, she slapped me. She called me many names and also called me a 'poisonous insect'. She demanded what right I had to hurt a pristine man like him. She looked at the books titled "positive thinking" nearby. She screamed, "What are you learning from them"? She couldn't stop herself. She was going off till I went to school. She didn't even leave the room when I was changing my clothes. When I asked her to leave beacause I wanted to change my clothes, she slapped me again.

When I was in college, my friend Hema told another friend Deevena that I told her that Deevena was a miser. Deevena was so mad at me. She was trying to yell at me or create problems to me almost for everyting I said or did (from the time I went to her room). Even when I asked Hema a question, she angrily hinted Hema to not answer me. When I compared Deevena with mom, I understood why mom constantly created problems to me when I shouted at my stepfather. She hated me.

Mom used to bitch about me to my stepfather and he used to add more fuel to the fire. They bullied me a lot. He suddenly vanished to a foreign country after 4 years. After some enquiry, she got to know that he had been cheating on her for the entire 4 years. He never even divorced his first wife officially. He had two children with her in that time. Mom was very heartbroken. She cried for a month. However, she never apologized to me for calling me a 'poisonous insect' or for bullying me with him. Instaed, she was expecting me to pity her. When questioned, she gaslighted me by saying that she dedicated her whole life for me and when she seeked out some happiness for herself (by marrying my stepfather), I didn't like it. In reality, it was me who dedicated my whole life to mom. I studied all the time and never took a break. However, when I seeked out some happiness for myself (like phoning a friend), she would be so angry that she would punish me. Narcissists never accept that they are wrong.

After college, I went to America (from India) for higher studies. Finally, I could get rid of mom. I was very happy. However, I was abrasive and didn't have any common people skills. I couldn't make friends. I could graduate from college as I got good grades (though they were never good enough for mom). At work, I couldn't make friends. In an attempt to make friends, I started using apps. First I met women. They didn't like me and left me. Then I met men. I thought that they would do the same. However, they were cuddling me, kissing me, and having intense skin to skin contact with me. That was new to me. To a normal girl, sex is nothing, but it meant the world to me. Mom hardly touched me. She always made me feel so unwanted. These men were making me feel so wanted.

During that process, I met Brandon. I developed feelings for him. He didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I politely asked him to advise me on my shortcomings. He told that I was saying the things that he wanted to hear (people pleasing) instead of having honest opinions. I took his advise seriously and tried to change myself. I practiced giving my honest opinions by revisiting my past over and over in my head. However, that wasn't enough to change my people pleasing behaviors.

Shortly after Brandon left, I got pregnant. After giving birth to my daughter, I lived in my in-laws house. My baby's dad's sister lived in that house too. One day, she picked a fight with me. I was talking over the phone at midnight unaware that she could hear me from upstairs. She came downstairs and yelled at me. The next day, I told her calmly, "Mikayla, when you say something to someone, say in the way that doesn't offend them". To that, she shouted again saying that it was midnight. I again calmly said, "Had it been me, I would have said, 'Hey, I can hear you, can you please keep it low'". She was answerless. I felt victorious for the very first time in my life. I was able to put my opinions forward. It helped me develop my self confidence that was long lost because of mom.

That was the first step in healing myself from the trauma. The next step was to realize that my mom and grandmother were wrong. I compared mom with Varun, Deevena, and Siddhi to realize that she was wrong. I compared mom with my grandmother to realize that grandmother was wrong. It took me 34 years to heal myself from my trauma.