Sorry (Are you Really?): Do apologies actually mean anything?

I'm sorry, in advance, for this piece.

Those two words have come out of my mouth probably more times than I've ever said, "I Love You."

They quickly lose their intended meaning though, just like most words that are used too frequently. You say it for, what reason exactly?

Penance because it's a form of punishing yourself for your wrongdoings by making you think about them again?

Appeasement because you want your loved one to stop being mad at you?

Expedience because you want to move past the annoying and pointless argument?

Or is it because you're genuinely sorry for what you did, even if you don't have any tangible proof to back up your statement? Does anyone believe you if you can't show it?

What does it even mean to be sorry? To me, it's simple. You're confronted by a consequence of an action, reaction, or behavior that made you realize that you were experiencing and therefore displaying an incorrect way of handling the situation. Thus, you wish to make the journey down the road to clarity and wisdom by first making amends with the errors you've made.

To do this, an apology is, first and foremost, an explanation of your personal understanding that you were at fault for your actions. That can be the end of it, or you can also follow that with an explanation of WHY you even caused the situation in the first place.

In my opinion, intentions should be looked at just slightly more than the actions themselves. Slightly more. Like a 60:40 ratio. Because knowing the intentions can help prevent future issues. Now, it isn't easy to understand, or even want to understand, the intentions. Especially if the actions caused significant harm. But, I do believe that it's an important step for true resolution.

Apologies don't require forgiveness and people are wrong for expecting it. That's why you can accept an apology but not forgive it. People need to understand that more.

Let me say that once more.

You can apologize, but it is a person's right to accept your apology but also not forgive you if they feel they can't. In the end, actions have consequences, and you need to pay for them. One of my favorite things I've heard is "I don't blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask that they pay for them."

Are apologies expected? Or even truly wanted?

In my own opinion, the answer to those questions isn't relevant. You can't force understanding. And you also can't force genuine honesty. You can do everything in your power to show you can be trusted with everything a person has to offer...and still not be trusted. Because it isn't something you can make happen on your own time. However, the catch to that is...you can destroy it in seconds, especially when you didn't mean to.

What then? And what happens when you're forgiven for something you have apologized for...but then you recreate the situation later? Does your apology mean you've forever changed your ways?

No. It doesn't.

And it shouldn't. Apologies acknowledge problems and tell the victim of those problems that you are aware that they ARE problems. But a lot of problems aren't just one-time fixes, especially changes in behavior. It requires constant awareness of the previous problems it caused and the resilience to push forward with a substitute behavior. And it gets even harder to do when you lose that resolve for a moment and slip back into that behavior.

Because then you have to start over. Worse, actually. You also have to handle fixing the ongoing damage PLUS start over. It's like missing a couple of days in school. You got the backed-up work you owe, plus you have to keep up with the rest- Something I never did well at all.

Yeah, after a while, the apologies become hollow and meaningless for any hope of real change, but at the very very least, the person is still acknowledging the problems. That should still mean something. And maybe with some help and understanding from others, though it shouldn't be expected, that person CAN actually get better because many people have other issues that affect changing the major problems.

Like trying to escape a house fire... but the doors won't open.

All of this isn't to say you should appreciate all apologies you hear. You will hear many false apologies in your life. And often, you can't tell if they're genuine or just trying to get you to move on. All I'm saying is, if we want genuine change with ourselves and the people around us... then we need to hear the words "I'm sorry" just a little bit more and engage in a conversation with the person saying it to find out truly why they said it.