Sometimes...

I'm positive. Creative. High energy. Loving. Healthy. Fit. An Overachiever.

But sometimes... I get scared.

Sometimes... I get frustrated, angry, sad, resentful.

Sometimes... I do things to ruin my own image. Because my reputation is shit enough I want to feel like I have some control in that.

Sometimes... I act differently around others because I used to believe it's better to get rejected acting nervous and scared, squinting at the right moments, than to get rejected being fully happy and loving for who I really am at my core.

Sometimes... I get so intimidated by others, that I act like I'm better than them. Because if I really allow myself to feel as inferior as I do, then what if they find out and reject me?

Sometimes... I do think I am better than others and totally have to get myself in check.

Sometimes... I treat my family poorly.

Sometimes... I like to cover up vulnerability and the love I have for others.

When I was serving tables and I felt a moment of true connection with another human being, I would cover it up.

"Oh so I was just here to ask, do you need any more napkins?"

*Already has 25 napkins on their table.

"What if, I was just talking to you to get a new follower on Instagram? hahaha"

*Spends 20 minutes talking to a new individual when it takes three minutes and $5 to buy 500 followers

"I'm just kidding. I don't give a shit about people."

*Checks up on people I don't know to make sure they're okay (although allowing myself to feel compassionate more often is something I definitely need to work on.)

Sometimes I cover up so much of the truth of who I am. And then I get mad when people believe the cover.

Sometimes... I don't make sense.

And sometimes... I feel like all I'm chasing is an unhealthy obsession of a perfect image, possessions, character traits, success.

Just to feel like finally I'll be loved.

Sometimes... I just laugh out of nowhere because I think of something funny.

Sometimes... I really give a compliment that means a lot to someone.

Sometimes... I spark a conversation that I know added positive energy and joy into the world.

Sometimes... I inspire others.

Sometimes... I assist in helping someone special feel what they really are. Special.

Sometimes... I ask amazing life changing questions.

But always.

I am pushing to grow and become a better person. Even if it's slow, the effort is always there.

I feel grateful that I'm alive.

I can put a smile on my face.

I have my challenges and my flaws. And I have my strengths. And it's cool. I'm thankful that my reputation is already shit. I'm thankful that I have the ugliest image I've ever had right now.

Because

1. Silent but spectating. I am thankful for anyone who loses investment in me as a person. Yes. Please. It's not personal, if I'm being honest there's so much love inside of me for almost everyone that I've met. I wish them the happiest life. I wish them love. I wish them freedom. But I wish us both the best so we can all find the people most aligned to our souls and vibrations.
2. I feel more freedom. Going up on stage to speak, if I ever worry about messing up I just have to remember people think I smell like shit. So it can't get any worse.
3. I have amazing things to work on. I have mistakes and areas I can focus on growth.
4. Sometimes I worry if I can even do what I want in the world because look at the image I put out. Who would even listen to that? But then I remember Trump got voted for president. It doesn't matter if people like me or not. (Although my ego says it totally does because I care a lil too much right now). As long as I have the results, show it, and teach well, I can make a difference.

I wanted to share some positives, and negatives. Just an expression of me. As a human being. In a full aspect.

I hope sharing this opens space for anyone reading to feel more connected. Or relate. Because I am an obese lil heart full of love. And I would always love to connect with you.