Somber Thoughts Inside a Loving Marriage

This is a short excerpt of something I am putting together about toxic relationships during modern times. This is Leona's conflicting thoughts on her fading marriage with her husband Travis:

"Tonight I found myself researching the racist background surrounding the Splash Mountain attraction at Disney Land. As I began to understand, sympathize why it is so problematic, & hailed the people responsible for making that change; my thoughts travelled to a few weeks ago when my darling partner brought up the conversation about the changes brands are making regarding the racial stereotypes they used to sell them. To him it's silly & unnecessary, adding to the bigger issue of PC & cancel culture. I mentally rolled my eyes, because previous disagreements turn into loud arguments. As I try to explain that his views can be disappointing, I am met with whines of how hurtful that is. I guess it must be hard to be with someone who challenges your thought process, huh?

My husband is a stubborn, narrow-minded, mule at times. I just needed to vent & say that. His ignorance to look past his nose, & what he "researches" on youtube is bothersome. Most days, I honestly consider leaving. Then I think of my kids, & it's hard for me to come forward due to their feelings & my own. It's like I am glutton for punishment. He likes to claim that he is open-minded, & is willing to listen; further proving that's a fallacy when he continuously refuses to at least entertain & do some real research on something that challenges his thoughts. There are more factual evidence than the oh so intelligent ones that come from youtube.

I've heard of couples outgrowing each other, & I honestly believe it's coming down to that. Some days I cannot trust my emotions, due to my mental health issues. So, I am not sure if this just waivers on unstable emotions, or if this is truly how I feel. I keep telling myself that with time, I will get over it. But clearly, I can't. I always feel so anxious around him, like I have to hide who I am or be careful with what I say. He believes he has to do the same, while he so arrogantly portrays his "opinions" as some type of deluded fact. I have no desire to need him. Only to want on the level of companionship, comfortability, & sexual need. I'll come across a photo of the two of us, & like everyone else who sees it on social media, awe over it in admiration. Question is if I really felt this way, really loved him, why do I have these burdening thoughts?

Hearing myself say this out loud, I can breathe a sigh of relief. Naturally, I cannot discuss this with him. I know it will lead to another loud argument, where instead of trying to fix it, I will be met with, "Well, you have a hard time accepting my opinions because they're different than yours!" Then he will prattle on & on about how he has evidence from credible figures. Meaning youtube. It will then lead into a discussion of us going our separate ways. Which for some reason, I don't want. So what exactly am I holding onto anymore other than resentment it seems.

As I said, I must be glutton for punishment. "