Smash! Chop! Slash!

Anyone who has ever told you that there is no fun way to relieve stress has never truly lived. You, along with everyone else in the world, have dealt with stress. Whether it is the co-worker who does not do his or her fair share of the work and makes you bear their load; whether it is the guy or girl who falls for the stuck up prick and does not even notice your fancy new look; whether it is the global pandemic that has caused you to lose your job and spend months just barely making it; whatever it is, you know what it is to be stretched, strained, and stressed.

And as the stress of everyday life builds up within you like the pressure of an empty plastic water bottle twisted to near popping, you start to close off from the world, becoming a stingy, bitter ass, who, for one reason or another, cannot rid himself of the strain. One more bad Zoom call, one more rude comment from a friend, one more overdue bill, one more job lost, and you might just fly like the proverbial water bottle cap, careless of the clamor you make.

But what if you didn’t have to explode? What if you didn’t have to stress? What if you had a way out?

What if a baseball bat, a collection of easily accessible fruits, and a quiet secluded place where all you needed to see all your pent up stress disappear and let you partake in the rebirth of your once stressless self?

That is all you really need.

The first step for ridding yourself of stress is to realize that you are indeed stressed. Although it is not one hundred percent required that you be stressed to partake in the relief process, it does make a difference if you are.

It is quite possible that you do not even know you are stressed out, so take a few minutes to try this simple trick. Sit down in a quiet, closed off place and purge your mind of every thought. Turn off your phone, don’t play any music, and for five full minutes, try to think of nothing, absolutely nothing.

Naturally, no person has the will power to fully suppress every thought, and as such, images will swim up to the forefront of your mind. The images you see might be pleasant — like the walk you had this morning with your spouse or the perfectly seared steak you had at dinner last night — or they might be distasteful — like Jerry from accounting who always gets your praise or your woebegone child who won’t stop acting out. If you are stressed, you will most likely come to a thought that overwhelms your five minutes of silence and gives you an uncomfortable feeling in the deepest pit of your stomach.

You might be stressed because your parents keep nagging you about how to spend your money, or what you are going to do with yourself now that you’ve graduated college. Maybe it is that you have just realized that the project your boss asked you to turn in three months from now needs to be moved up to the end of this week. It could even be the smallest things that stress you out, like your friends not responding to your texts or ignoring your phone calls.

All in all, when you feel like the world is crushing in on you, suffocating and impeding on your everyday life, you know that you have accumulated enough stress to recognize that it is time to release it.

Now that you know you have accrued this stress and are willing to liberate yourself from its smothering grip, you need to find a practical way to confront it. And to face your foe head on, you are going to need a target to focus your stress and a weapon to vanquish your tension.

The best target is quite simply anything that will smash, break, or otherwise explode upon the impact of your vengeful hands that show no mercy. Your best bet for ammunition is fresh, fleshy fruit. But do not make the mistake of getting solely one fruit.

You can very easily walk into your kitchen and pick up an array of fruits to use like a juicy red apple, the tear-inducing onion, or a stout zucchini. But you could also make your way to the local grocery store and pick yourself up some highly destructible and exceedingly enjoyable fruits like the juicy golf ball sized cherry tomatoes or the larger cantaloupe with its hardened exterior.

Though all these fruits provide pure satisfaction and enjoyment, all pale in comparison to the crowning jewel of smashery, the watermelon. The watermelon is an absolute must, and if you aim to achieve the full extent of relief from your stress, you will do no better than it.

Now that you have acquired your target, it is time to choose your weapon. Remember, the weapon you choose can greatly affect how relieved you feel afterwards. Maybe you are not the violent type and you do not own any weapons. You might consider a good old fashioned tennis racket which, if you want it to be, can be considered a weapon. You could easily go pick up a cheap plastic one at your nearby sports store, dig out the old heat-worn one in your attic, or even “borrow” one from a friend and return it before they ever find out that you never actually played tennis.

However, not everyone will be satisfied with a mere tennis racket, and that is why it is highly encouraged that you use a baseball bat. Wooden one’s sing as they pulverize their targets, but metal ones offer far more carnage.

But above all, if you can get your hands on one, the crème de la crème of all destructive weapons is the sword. If you use a sword, you will know a depth of satisfaction and release as your sever the arteries of your helpless fruity victims that no other weapon can afford.

So, with stress identified, target decided upon, and weapon wielded, there is only one thing left to do.

Go find a quiet secluded place far from society and unleash the beast within.

As you have most likely concluded, at this point you should begin obliterating each and every fruit you have. It is a good idea to start out small, with the cherry tomatoes and tennis racket, and steadily make your way to the finale, the watermelon. However, take note that before you start the massacre, odds are you will get filthy from the explosion of juices, so wearing nice clothing is not advised.

Now that you have started making your way through the cherry tomatoes with the tennis racket — hitting them as hard as if you were playing tennis against Roger Federer — you should move onto the cantaloupe and bat. Go crazy, go wild, until all that remains of the once tasty cantaloupe are the gory innards, smeared in the dirt upon which you stand.

Once you have finished with the cantaloupe and the tomatoes, and whatever other fruits and vegetables you brought along, it is time for to move to the grand finale, the watermelon.

With your sword in hand (a bat will substitute nicely if you don’t have a sword), face the watermelon before you on a gnarled stump, conjuring up in your mind everything that causes you stress. Visualize everything that is weighing you down and imagine it on the face of the watermelon. As your nemesis sits before you, staring you down, you realize that every fiber in your body aches because you know that it is unquestionably and utterly defenseless and at your unwavering mercy. Then, with the swiftness of a shark striking its supper, you deliver the fatal blow and quell the chaos within.

The violent, barbaric method described is merely one way to have an exciting time while eliminating your stress. And luckily, you are not limited to that method alone.

Maybe you are an activist for fruit and vegetable rights and you see it as cruel to attack an innocent, defenseless fruit or vegetable. For you, maybe it would be better to buy cans of soda or an old toaster from Goodwill or some other substitute that will not inadvertently cause you more stress.

Or possibly, you do not approve of weapons. In that case your best bet is to get a watermelon, venture to a high place like your local parking garage, making sure no one is below you, and release that fat boy.

All in all, it does not matter what way you choose to relieve your stress, so long as you do something to relieve it. And with the mind set of having a thrilling time and the proper tools to ensure it, stress will cease to be your adversary and will only become a figment of the past.