Sleep-Maxxing: How I Tried 7 Wellness Hacks and Accidentally Meditated Myself into a Nap Coma.

There comes a time in every adult's life when they realise the key to success is not hustle, not protein shakes, not waking up at 4 a.m. to scream into the void—but sleep. Glorious, unbothered, REM-filled sleep.

Enter: sleep-maxxing, the TikTok-fuelled, wellness-guru-approved movement that turns going to bed into a 47-step science experiment. Think of it like upgrading your nap into an Olympic sport. Naturally, I wanted in.

So I committed to testing 7 of the most popular sleep-maxxing hacks over a week. Would I wake up feeling like Beyoncé? Or would I fall asleep face down on a Himalayan salt lamp? Spoiler alert: both things happened.

💤 Hack #1: The Sleepy Girl Mocktail

This one is everywhere. The “Sleepy Girl Mocktail” claims to lull you into dreamland with just three ingredients: tart cherry juice, magnesium powder, and enough placebo power to knock out a herd of anxious squirrels.

Night one, I mixed my potion like a witch who shops at Whole Foods. It fizzed. It glowed. It tasted like cough syrup mixed with regret.

But… I slept. Deeply. Suspiciously deeply. I woke up 10 hours later like a Victorian child emerging from a fever nap. Was it the magnesium? The cherries? The sugar crash? Who knows? But I was so relaxed, I accidentally missed a Zoom meeting and told my boss I was “engaging in an intensive sleep optimisation protocol”. (He bought it.)

🧘 Hack #2: Meditation with a Side of Paranoia

The next night I tried “sleep meditation” via an app narrated by a British man who sounds like he tucks in unicorns for a living. He told me to relax my toes, then my ankles, then my spleen (I’m pretty sure that’s not how anatomy works, but I went with it).

I was calm. Floating. Peaceful.

Then my neighbour’s cat knocked over a garbage can, and I sat up screaming, “WHO GOES THERE?” like I was defending a mediaeval castle.

Sleep: interrupted. Nervous system: fried. Meditation score: 7/10 for the voice, 2/10 for the garbage ambiance.

🕯️ Hack #3: Blue Light Blockers & Candlelit Sadness

According to TikTok, blue light is evil. It’s responsible for poor sleep, eye strain, and possibly the fall of Rome. So I put on orange-tinted blue light glasses, turned off all screens, and lit candles like I was summoning the ghost of Thomas Edison.

Sure, my apartment smelt amazing. But I also tripped over a yoga mat, spilt tea on my socks, and had to read an actual book instead of scrolling memes.

Did I sleep better? Yes. Did I miss my phone like a long-distance lover? Also yes. Turns out my circadian rhythm likes firelight, but my brain missed doomscrolling.

🌿 Hack #4: The Lavender Oil Mist Massacre

Night four was all about aromatherapy. I sprayed lavender oil mist on my pillow like a delicate forest fairy. Then I accidentally sprayed it into my eye.

Let me tell you: nothing screams wellness like sobbing with one eye open while Googling “Can you go blind from essential oils?”

Once I recovered, the scent did work. I curled up like a burrito and passed out in 15 minutes. 9/10 experience (minus the brief medical emergency).

🧼 Hack #5: Hot Showers and Existential Crises

You know what’s trending? Taking a hot shower before bed to drop your core temperature and trick your body into snooze mode. Apparently, it mimics the feeling of returning to the womb. (I don’t remember the womb, but I’m guessing it didn’t involve loofahs.)

So I dimmed the lights, put on lo-fi jazz, and stood under the water like a sad music video character. It was warm. It was relaxing. It was also the moment I remembered every embarrassing thing I’ve ever done since 1997.

Still, I slept like a rock afterward. A slightly emotionally unstable rock, but a rock nonetheless.

🛌 Hack #6: “Military Sleep Method” (aka Passing Out from Boredom)

This one's big on YouTube: the military sleep method. You relax your face. Drop your shoulders. Exhale tension. Then you imagine yourself floating in a canoe. I did all that. The problem? My brain went rogue.

Instead of floating, I imagined the canoe tipping over, and suddenly I was being chased by a sea monster while yelling, “I just want REM cycles!!”

But I stuck with it. Night after night. By night three, it worked. I fell asleep asleepmid-float, mid-imaginary canoe, and woke up in a puddle of drool. Victory.

🧺 Hack #7: Clean Sheets and Psychological Trickery

They say clean sheets help you sleep. So I washed everything: sheets, pillowcases, throw blankets, and even that suspicious “decorative” pillow I never use.

I climbed into bed, and wow. My bed felt like a hotel. A spa. A luxurious cloud.

Then I realised—I’ve just been living in filth this whole time. Apparently, I was one fitted sheet away from my best self.

Honestly, I didn’t even need the lavender oil. I fell asleep just from the sheer joy of crisp, warm sheets. Highly recommend. Also mildly shameful.

Final Thoughts: Am I Now a Sleep Goddess?

So, after 7 nights of sleep-maxxing, what’s the verdict?

Did I sleep better? Absolutely. I had deeper sleep, fewer 3 a.m. “Should I become a mushroom farmer?” thoughts, and way more dreams about hugging celebrities.

Did I become annoying about it? You bet. I now say things like “my circadian health is thriving” and “I’m sleep-stacking tonight; don’t text me after 9.”

Was it funny, slightly chaotic, and full of trial and error? Obviously.

Sleep-maxxing works, but only if you approach it with curiosity and zero expectations. Not every hack will work for you—and that’s okay. Sometimes, you just need clean sheets, tart cherry juice, and a British man whispering about toe relaxation.

Bonus Tips for Fellow Sleep-Challenged Souls:

If a hack involves eye-burning oils, aim carefully.

Don’t trust your cat not to sabotage your serenity.

Avoid caffeine after 2 p.m., or prepare to solve math problems in your dreams.

TL;DR (Too Lazy, Didn’t REM):

I tried 7 trendy sleep hacks, including mocktails, meditation, aromatherapy, and the military method.

Some worked wonderfully. Some made me question my sanity.

I now sleep better, feel chill, and use the word “sleep hygiene” in casual conversation. So, that’s new.