Sisyphus

Sisyphus - by Luke Reilly

Nearly three years ago today, it all happened. Well, that’s how I remember the time, and I really don’t know what to think of time or memory anymore, as I lay here in a hospital bed, questioning my very existence.

The incident started out like a normal day for me, too normal, I had spent all too long growing tired of my job and resentful of the people around me and that day was no different. I hadn’t even arrived at the worksite yet, but already the monotony of the morning traffic had put me in a foul mood.

My mundane, repetitive job as a construction labourer had been wearing on me, and day after day of doing the same work that I hated drove me further into frustration. I was the bottom of the food chain there, and in my home also. My life lacked meaning, and it was fair to say I was stuck in a rut and something had to change. Well, something did change that day and life will never be the same again.

I remember pulling into the driveway and sitting in my car to calm myself, practicing a few moments of mindfulness, before stepping out. ‘Come on James, you can do this’ I said to myself. I took a few deep breaths, temporarily stowing my anxiety and stepped out onto the driveway to face the day of work, a ritual I’d become quite used to. As I began walking toward the gate, something in the gutter caught my eye, something unusual. A dark rectangular object, which for a moment seemed to float above the grey, unfinished concrete, I diverted from my path toward work and moved nearer to the object for closer inspection. It was just a little black book, by the time I drew close enough the floating seemed to stop, and the book itself didn’t appear like anything remarkable. Dismissing it as a trick of the light, I carried on with my day. I didn’t pick it up, I just trudged on staring at the ground, half hoping to get the day over and done with, and full knowing that eight hours is eight hours, and no matter how fast I started, work wasn’t going to end any sooner.

My first job was to pick up scattered debris from around the site and drag it into a large metal dumpster for recycling… Depression had set in already. I slowly and unenthusiastically pushed my wheelbarrow around, picking up discarded wood or metal from the ground, only to watch a truck pull around from the back of the site to dump another load. I felt like Sisyphus, doomed to complete a task, laborious and seemingly endless, but I am not nearly as memorable as him.

The next part is still unclear, I was completely wrapped up in my own sullen thoughts when I heard screaming from the other workers. By the time I turned to see what was going on it was too late, something struck me in the head, and I woke up in hospital, I’m still not sure how long after.

I woke to a doctor’s light near blinding me, ‘what happened’ I manage to say with a parched voice.

‘Scaffolding collapsed at the worksite, you’re very lucky… if it landed a few inches to the left you may not have woken up. If I was you, I’d be buying a lottery ticket’ he said with a smile. As sad as it seems the only thought in my head was ‘well at least I didn’t have to work a full day’. The doctor laughed, at which point I realized I must have said that out loud.

I was told that I’d suffered a minor concussion, and could go home, just to avoid any alcohol or substances and be sure to get plenty of rest, that meant at least a week off work. You should have seen the smile on my face when I heard that news, a whole week to myself, I hadn’t felt such glee for a long time. It was worth the throbbing headache.

I practically skipped out of the hospital that day, mind racing with possibilities about what I could fill my free time with. I’d Never been so happy, it was like the injury knocked my sadness away, even if it was temporary, I was enjoying every second of it. I don’t know whether it was joy or shear delusion that made me do it, but I decided to take the doctors’ advice and bought a scratch and win lottery ticket.

A moment ago, I said that I was happier than I had ever been, so you can only imagine the euphoria and surprise that flowed through me when I scratched off the last symbol on my ticket to find that I’d won twenty thousand dollars.

That series of events was my biggest defining moment and set-in motion a sequence of positive changes which altered my life exponentially for the better. Amazing, what a bit of good fortune can do for the human spirit.

Soon after, I quit the job I hated, and started studying. After a few months I’d moved out of my parent’s house and into my own place, I start lifting weights, I met a beautiful girl, Lyn, who I’ve been living with for the past two years. We are engaged now and even thinking about having children together. Everything was looking up for me.

If only the story could end here, if only I could finish by saying ‘and we lived happily ever after’

But this is not to be, and this can never be. In fact, nothing can ever be anything to me anymore.

I don’t remember exactly why we were in that part of the city again, but my partner and I came across that same worksite, the building of course, being finished by now, looked completely different. I was driving past it and reflecting on the times in my life when I’d felt so depressed and trapped. In retrospect, I was stupid, nothing was stopping me but my own mind, and as I always joke to my soon to be wife, ‘The scaffold knocked my head right.’

As we drove down the familiar street I commented, ‘That’s where I had the accident, that building there’ and gestured with my finger. While I felt content now, I could still relate to my former self dolefully picking up construction waste, either unwilling or unable to change. And for the first time in a while, I felt that awful frustration well up inside me again.

These are the last true moments of clarity I have, afterward everything changed again.

As I neared the gutter at the front of the building near the scene of that fateful accident. I saw it again, the little black book standing out from everything else like a void, it was the only thing that was real to me and sent a cold shiver down my spine. Nearly three years later, on the now finished concrete it sat daunting and unmoving, in the same position, unscathed, exactly as it was when I first saw it. Surely it was not the same book. I brought the car to a stop in the middle of the road and stared intently, it was definitely floating this time, well maybe not floating, but something wasn’t right about it. ‘What are you doing?’ My fiancée asked worriedly. The darkness of the book suddenly stood out above all else.

I ignored her and stepped out of the car, completely aloof and oblivious to the horns and protests of the traffic behind me. It’s hard to explain, but comparable to the moments before the scaffold hit me, all the sounds faded away behind me. As I walked closer to it, my surroundings melted away and now all I could perceive was this little black book. The world as I knew it disappeared, and I was just buoyant, floating in negative space, lost, just me and the book. the last thing I heard was Lyn, ‘James!’ she pleaded. I remember the fear in her voice. Then everything went white. Once again, I woke to light in my eyes.

‘What happened?’ I said with a parched voice. The doctor standing over me replied ‘Scaffolding collapsed at the worksite, you’re very lucky… If it landed…’.

‘Where’s my fiancée?!’ I cut him off, panic in my voice.

The doctor affirmed, ‘You came here with your workmates, did you need me to call someone for you?’

I tried to stand up out of bed and was overwhelmed with dizziness ‘Whoa there, sit down for a bit longer we don’t want you losing your balance,’ said the doctor. ‘NO!’ I protested frantically and tried to get up anyway. Hearing the commotion from outside two of my old colleagues walked through the door.

The site of them confirmed my worst fears, two men I hadn’t seen 3 years were standing before me looking confused in the same clothing they were in that day. I looked up to a TV in the corner of the room and saw a news station with the time and date displayed on the screen. Every possible explanation ran through my head but I still saw no logic.

It has been a few days since I woke up again and I’m still in the hospital. I told the doctor my memory of what happened, and he recommended I stay for observation.

All the positive changes I had made, the love of my life, everything thing I had been working on for over the last three years slipped from my fingers, and here I was again. Back to square one, depressed and frustrated, no control over anything.

I still don’t know what truly happened, but I can only assume that it was all a dream and none of it was real... It’s impossible to describe the sorrow I’m feeling. Of course, nobody believes me, why would they, I hardly believe myself.

All I know for certain is that the last three years were as clear as day and real as any memory, I don’t believe I’ll ever find that happiness again. I am coming to accept the fact that perhaps I am doomed to this existence.

But still… The image of the little black book burned into my perception.