Silence Isn't Simple

Silence isn’t just a simple definition of “zero sound; no outright noise; or the moment before your child lets out the random scream that sends your heart irregularly palpitating for whatever reason… maybe it’s the PTSD, possibly just the generally skittish nature of the morphed group of cells, blood, bone, and hair that is holding your beautifully and intricately designed brain in its place?

No. Silence is some other type of beast. And it comes in multiple shades. Are you thinking, “Can I match it to my outfits…” too?

No? Yes.

Perfect. Moving on.

An example. Sitting in silence in your home is like listening to an architectural body. Depending on where you live, the muffled noises outside will be unique undertones to the steady heartbeat of your home. On fall evenings, out in the rural valley, the wind howls without retreat. Swirling around you as the night rolls on. If you listen carefully, you can tell where its strongest gusts are pushing on the outer walls. You’ll hear it coming as it builds and stomps closer. You will feel the shifting energy and then a pause in the atmosphere as it dwindles and dances away. You will be left waiting for the cycle to repeat.

If you happen to be in the city, the natural hints of human life will be heard in addition to nature. Cars driving by with basses too loud. Neighbors having a friendly (or not) discussion. Dogs barking at nothing or everything. Whether the population reads in the thousands or millions, I would bet that the most common sound of human intricacies would be the sirens. That sound is synonymous with the flowing thoughts of, “Something urgent has happened. Someone needs help. Now.”

I knew a girl that used to have a little tic where she would knock three times on wood or glass every time she heard a siren. She had morphed the childhood myth of knocking to counteract a jinx into some grotesque and futile attempt to change the fate of someone that she didn’t even know. At least she didn’t look to the morning news for any fatalities from the night before. I guess that would be even worse than grotesque. It would borderline, obsessed.

No, I never had the nerve. Quietly knocking away while people were in the midst of a possible tragedy was my attempt to DO something about how I was feeling deep down. Even though it did nothing, it made me feel in control. I was drowning in the noise and chatter of a seemingly hopeless and cruel world, I had no idea or desire, to listen to myself. Which meant that I could not work past the fear of living for me. It was so painful, but I still woke up every day. Looking back now, I wonder if I would still be here, had I actually sat with myself and believed every thought that came my way.

The unconscious realization that I was, in fact, not in control of how my thoughts grew at all was what lead me to seek and crave any possible situation that would drown out the chaos in my mind. You can’t think too hard or too deep if there is an overwhelming amount of stimulation to all [six] senses. And you certainly can’t think clearly enough when you’ve chugged all your drinks and some of your friend’s booze as well.

So, if you’re brave enough to sit in silence while also being conscious of the tone that your inner dialogue uses, you can change the narrative. By softening the edges of your thoughts and rephrasing your words, you will begin to see how differently you view yourself. Looking in the mirror becomes easier and less like you are staring at a fucked-up stranger. Getting to this “enlightened” state is something that takes continuous work but will not always show consistent results. It is not some box that you can just check off. It is about trusting yourself not to implode as you take in those deep breaths, ebbing and flowing with each phase and integration. Because when hearing yourself is something so foreign, you might trip up and believe that you must count each breath to properly survive. Instead of naturally flowing, in and out, you trap yourself in a dance that is one step away from being an eternal Cupid’s Shuffle.

The trick is to let go. Release all the lies that kept you from seeing the innate beauty that makes up your true home. With every severed energetic chord, you will release your mind from the self-imprisoned shackles. The silence will empower you. You will then be able to breathe in the freedom to thrive.