Silence is so freaking loud.

1

This city was built for lonely people, just like you and me. Sure you’d see hundreds of people cuddling and kissing on the road. Yet, thousands of people are fastened with their phones, their books, their hand’s snuggles in their pockets.

I’m sitting in the dining room it’s dark except for the light glancing from my grandmother bedroom, I can hear her whistling snore. I turn on the water in the sink, I stand there for few minutes, shutting my eyes hearing the water roaring, softly it all disappears, everything around me, it feels like I’m sliding under the water, it’s safe here, quiet, no one can touch me, reach me or hurt me under the water, I think.

I hear her voice as a sunlight sneaking through the window cracks, “oh god Alex! Did you kept the water on again!” She stopped for a second .. “Oh my! What are you doing sleeping here?" I get up slowly, every bone of in body aches, I hold my head, I sigh, a massive headache. “I’m sorry granny, it won’t happen again” I say as I stand on my feet. “Oh you say this every night”. It’s true, I do.

“Just get ready I’ll make you something to eat before you leave.” She said swinging her hand at me. She’s a sweetheart and has put up with my madness for weeks now since I moved to live with her, but I’m leaving today anyway.

“That’s it?” “Yes.” I say to the taxi driver as he loads my bags in the car, I glance at the yard of my granny house for the last time as she approaches from the front door, “Alex honey, have you taken your medicines with you?” “I did granny, don’t worry about me." She throws her arms around my neck, she’s too short and I can tell she’s standing on her toes, she whispers “please take good care of yourself honey, okay?” I nod as she loosens her arms from my neck, “will do granny, you take care too.” I say these words as I close the cab door behind me and smile at her, she waved goodbye, trying so hard not to burst into tears.

“ So how does it feel?” “Sir?” I say bending forward. “How does it feel being in college?" I sink back into my seat, "well; I don’t know yet, it’s my first year.” He tightened his grip around the steering wheel “I ought to tell you son, college is tough”, he’s glancing at me through the front mirror, "stay sharp and keep your grades straight.”

"Will do sir.” I say nothing for few seconds, thinking of something to say to keep the conversation going, “uhmm have you been to college yourself sir?” “Me?” He chuckles, “oh no but my son was.” “Was? So he graduated already, guess he kept sharp ha?” I said flipping through the emails in my phone. Awkward silence occurred for few minutes, his horse voice came out at me “He didn’t.” I’ve noticed his voice has softens now, the sharp tone has disappeared. "Why? What happened?” Leaving my phone, looking back at him through the front mirror. His eyes met mine, “he died, he was found by his roommate, they said the cause of death was an overdose,” He stopped for a second and mummers “But I doubt it.”

“Don’t you believe that’s what happened?” He said nothing so I knew he doesn’t want to talk about it, “I’m sorry about your son.” I Say at last. No response from him, I slide the window, feeling the air in my hair, lost in my thoughts, the trees are moving so fast, a pink bike by the road, newspapers by the houses.

Is it wrong? That I’m feeling a bit of relief that she’s gone? My mother, I feel a little guilty though. I’ve waited for three years before applying to college. I only did it after she passed away, I had to look after her, I had no other choice.

“Young man, we’re here”. I must’ve fallen asleep, it took me a minute to register what’s happening and where we are, I looked out the window, a sea of grass along the way, a huge old brown building on the end of grass, that must be the students housing I thought to myself, formal men in suits, students ... his voice shut off my thoughts again, “Are you getting off, no?” “ ah yes yes, sorry sir” I put on my hat, snuggle my backpack on my shoulder and slide off the car, “ thank you sir and again sorry for your son” “that’s alright” he said handing me my bags, “ and good luck for you”.

He left, now I turned toward the building, I move slowly, scanning the place around me, people, laughter, tress, squirrels, wasted food, coffee cups, cans, as I move in looking around me, someone bummed into me from behind brought me back to reality, “sorry” he said, not looking towards me, he must be in a hurry, he look messy too.

I began to unload my bags in my new room, the door slammed open, it startled me, I turned to the door “oh it’s you” I say, “ excuse me?” He says, not looking up at me, rustily throwing his bag on his bed, “ I was walking and you kind of...” he cut me off “yeah whatever”, “alright” I murmur to myself and turn back to continue unloading my bags, there’s an awkward silence, the room is a bit tight, our back almost touch while we’re both standing between our beds unloading the bags, “sorry” I say, I move away, hang my jacket on the door, “sorry about earlier” he says coming closer to me, “I haven’t introduced myself, I’m Issac” I shake his hand, “Alex”.

That’s pretty much all we said that night, he went to bed early, he fall asleep so easily, I lay there on the bed with my arm under my head. I think of mother. Once, she told me “Alex, you know there are two type of people those who when they get angry, you can tell, it shows all over their face, their breaths, their hand movements, and those who when they get angry you can hardly tell, they would look so calm, they would smile at you, they would stay very still, but they would be burning inside, that’s your kind” she pauses for few seconds, while I wash her arms with the soap “ You know son, I know what Fath...” I cut her off “ Mom, please .. we don’t need to talk about that” and we didn’t, I never wanted to talk about my father or what he was like, she was just like him but she’s all I got so I needed to learn how to live with it, with her. I washed her hair, looked at the water dripping of it, washed her back, gently I moved my fingers on the bruises on her pale back, she shivered.

She had a stroke a while ago, which caused her muscles to paralyze, she can hardly do anything by her own, I bath her, I feed her and I put her on the bed at night, I’d be staying with her all the times, in the bedroom.

In the morning, I’d woke up before her, prepare the breakfast, then I’ll wake her up, once I went to wake her up but she was already awake, I walked closer to her bed, I touched her hand, “ let’s get you wash mom, breakfast is ready” she looked up at me with her empty eyes “ why are you doing this?” I shake my head slightly “what do you mean?”, she’s staring at me “why are you looking after me?” I chuckled “well, you’re my mother, you would’ve done the same to me, wouldn’t you? Come now” I hold her arms and put them around my neck to get her up off the bed. She would’ve not done the same I know. My mother isn’t perfect, but she’s all I got I kind of look after her to have something to value about myself, to feel good about myself, because for all I know everyone think I’m a bad influence.

“Here mother, put your arms around my neck, let’s get you dry before you catch a cold” she wrapped her arms, I move her up from the bath, settle her on her wheelchair, with the towels wrapped around her.

I turn to the other side of the bed, facing the wall, my arm under my head, I glance at my phone it’s 3 in the morning, why am I remembering this now?