Should We Always Be an Open Book?
Thoughts about vulnerability with others and how it’s sometimes good or dangerous
One thing that I have learned over the last several years is that I shouldn’t be too honest or vulnerable with just anyone. In the past it was nice to be able to say that I was an open book. I was to the point that people knew I’d basically answer any question. Over time people around me realized this, and would ask me all sorts of personal questions that I felt obligated to always answer. Talk about painful! I have learned that we shouldn’t be a completely open book to just everyone. As the old quote goes, “Don’t cast your pearls before swine.” That quote is appropriate when thinking about sharing your heart and soul with people. I think it’s important to seek the right people to be vulnerable with because when you do, it builds relational intimacy. I think at the end of the day we’re all seeking meaningful relationships, not heartbreak, right?
How can we seek to live more authentically? If you’re quirky, then don’t be shy about being who you are. But sometimes there are things that you just need to share with those who have consistently shown that they are your true friends. Otherwise, what you do is you set yourself up for heartbreak from many people. Compounded heartbreak from many people all at once is especially devastating in my experience. Specifically, what I think about regarding this idea, is who do I share my struggles in life with? What kind of struggles do you have in life to begin with? Who have you shared those struggles with? How did they respond to that vulnerability coming from you? Did you seek their accountability or support in some way? How did they respond to your request for support? Someone in your life, whether they are a family member, an acquaintance, a friend, or a significant other, instead of word vomiting everything too quickly, try sharing small pieces, or nuggets, of vulnerability with them. It is a test of sorts. I have far too often shared way too much with people and it came back to bite me in more ways than one. Instead of sharing all the chapters of your story with someone, maybe start by sharing part of chapter five for example. Give the person time to process this information about you, and then reflect on if they actually care about learning more about you. Also, consider their intentions for getting to know you.
Another thing that’s been really challenging for me, is knowing when to let go of friendships. I tend to be the type of human who hangs onto friendships longer than the other person typically. It hurts. Then I ask myself, should I keep loving even when it hurts? To a degree, yes, we can keep loving, even when it hurts, but when other people have let go of the friendship, ask yourself where is the motivation coming from for you to hang on to it? Are there other people that you would rather spend time and energy investing in? Will they be more receptive to the person that you are, or will they be more interested in getting to know your true soul? I encourage you to make a list of the top people that really mean the most to you. Keep that list and think about ways that you could invest in those people more this year. When I say “invest in,” I mean how you can be vulnerable with those friends you trust? Be honest with yourself, ask yourself how those people have really invested in you this past year of 2023? Consider writing your friends some notes of gratitude for their friendship.
About the Creator
Rowan Finley
Father. Academic Advisor. Musician. Writer. My real name is Jesse Balogh.
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Comments (25)
I don't know why I don't dare to open this earlier— this is Hella relatable! You're so me! I used to be an open book too, answering all the personal questions, thinking I had to be fully vulnerable. But yeah, it’s a tough lesson to learn that not everyone deserves the full story right away. I’ve totally been there with the heartbreak of sharing too much with the wrong people. It's like, you share a little piece, and suddenly it feels like they’re not as invested as you thought. I’ve also had a hard time letting go of friendships that weren’t as strong anymore. But now, I’m all about finding those people who get me and are worth investing in. It’s all about the quality over quantity, right?
My husband always tells me not to be to open
Wonderful read and many, many valid points and questions that I feel like we all need to ask ourselves. Some questions that I have asked myself over the years are: "What is the version of myself that other people see?" "Am I the villain in someone else's story?" "What is the face that I show to the world, what is the face that I show to my close friends, what is the face I show to my family members, and what is the face I show to myself? Can it be one and the same?" Also, on another note... Congratz congratz on your top story of January 2024!!! A much, well-deserved win for you!! Happy I am here to witness part of your writing journey!
very nice, very deep too. well put.
Great job! I know it is and means… ❤️👍
well done
This is so true, honesty is not always the best policy...like the government---only on a need to know basis. Congrats.
“It is a test of sorts” yesss—and that’s exactly why I don’t agree with people who say we shouldn’t test those we’re in relationships with. Absolutely, go ahead and try, and make sure to speak up when it hurts. It’s especially difficult when it’s a family member, or even just a fair-weather friend you can’t seem to let go of despite their inconsistency. It’s emotionally exhausting, and that’s the most draining part. Oh, this is beyond inspiring!!! And yes, ‘If you’re quirky, don’t be shy about who you are’—not you preaching at this point!😭🔥 Sometimes being programmed a certain way can make you feel lonely in such a big world of neurotypicals, but moments like this make me feel like I’m not as alone as I thought. Even though no two people are the same, there really are people ready to embrace those differences and see the spark hidden behind what we call ‘quirkiness.’
This helped more than you know. Thanks!
It's all about boundaries...we don't have to share what hasn't yet healed or makes us vulnerable. Well said.
This is very true and something I’ve finally come to grips with in my fourth decade. I don’t have to reveal all, don’t need to like everything, nor be everything. It’s sad that we don’t get this insight much earlier in life.
Bam! You hit the nail for me here - I was hanging on to some friends. 2nd and 3rd and more chances until a bad are from the ethereal sky hit me between the eyes and said HEY!! Great advice in this piece. (I have never been one to share too much though) And yes, there are others I would be happier spending time with.
Happy to say congratulations on your top story.
I agree. Even here on this platform I have learned that lesson the hard way. Keep your thoughts close, be careful how you share your soul. It will be exploited for real. Great article and top story.
Congratulations on the TS! A most worthy recipient! I have read this a number of times and reflected on my own mental health struggles. I find so much wisdom here. I am going to most definitely take your advice for my 2023 list and notes of gratitude. Pauline 🌸
Your stream of consciousness sloshes with integrity, spilling into wisdom. Like you, I've learned these painful lessons. I once believed telling the truth meant telling everything, but not every person or every situations deserves to know everything. We are allowed to find integrity, honesty, privacy, and truth in what we choose to share -- and to not share. Choosing whom to let in and whom to keep at a distance is imperative to a happier soul, even if that means sometimes being solo.
Excellent and insightful! Congratulations on winning top story! Your advice applies to our interactions with others even on Vocal. Thanks for sharing your passion!
What they don’t know, they can’t destroy
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Great advice here. Not everyone has the best intentions and your opening up is a prize that should be valued, not exploited.
I completely agree! Our vulnerabilities should only be shown to those who will safeguard them, not exploit them. Our hearts can only be shown to those who we know won’t drop them. This is a great piece of writing.
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Extremely well written and thoughtful piece. I agree very much. I don't think being open necessarily means vulnerability but I am naturally reticent when I don't know someone.
Astounding effort! Keep up the phenomenal work—congrats!
“ I shouldn’t be too honest or vulnerable with just anyone”- On point! Loved this article! ❤️