Should "Friend Marriages" Be a Thing?

It was really just a joke. I was chatting to a couple of single girlfriends about our love lives (or lack thereof) and the plight of single women in their 30s who want to have kids but aren’t ready to give up on romance and just settle down with a convenient person in order to build a family.

“Shall I just marry one of you?” I suggested. “That way we can justify picking a sperm donor and having some kids.”

There was, of course, immediate (albeit amused) agreement. I mean, I’m a catch.

We all laughed but, really, was it that crazy?

What are our choices, ladies? They pretty much boil down to adoption (which I generally favour as an option but it’s very complicated and may not be possible for me anytime soon) or… just popping some donor sperm “up there” and hoping for the best, preferably soon because our ovaries are ticking.

My humorous marriage proposal was prompted by my belief that, ideally, a kid should have two parents, both of whom should be around and in a loving relationship with each other. Does it immediately make you a bad parent with a miserable child if that’s not the case in your family - of course not! Life is not always ideal, nor does it always need to be for us to be happy. People get divorced, women have unplanned babies with deadbeat dads and the world still turns, and many of those babies grow up to be happy people. But for me, personally, becoming a single mum on purpose, not because of circumstances but having planned it in advance, just doesn’t feel right (even if I sometimes admit to myself that I may end up doing exactly that).

So what’s the solution? Marry a friend and raise your kids together!

Yeah, okay, I’m chuckling, too. Don’t get me wrong, this is more of a thought exercise than anything. I’m old-fashioned. I would much rather marry a wonderful man who is funny, great in bed, shares my values, makes me feel comfortable and is just the right guy for me. But if that’s not in the cards… The fact is, the world is designed for couples and families. Everything is easier when you are not alone and “not alone” means with a partner - someone who is obliged to answer the phone 24/7, move to another country for you, share the rent and pick up the kids from school. Would I rather be legally and morally bound to a platonic friend I’m really close to or a romantic partner I don’t really love? I think I’d rather have the first.

The bottom line is, I want my children to be raised by two people (regardless of gender) who love them and love each other. None of that necessarily has to do with sex. I mean, I can't lie - I would rather it did. But, more importantly, it has to do with help, stability and providing a good role model for interpersonal relationships. Yes, I'd prefer it if my spouse and I could also show those kids how romantic attachments work but it’s not the one and only thing.

Outside of the context of raising kids, “friend marriages” apparently do exist.

One of my friends pointed us to a story about a pair of straight male friends in Ireland by the names of Matt Murphy and Michael O’Sullivan. They were already living together and helping each other, so they eventually decided to get married in order to avoid inheritance tax. (Matt, who sadly passed away earlier this year, left his house to Michael.)

I used to be the kind of person who 100% treated my close friends as family. I would have given my kidney for them, moved countries for them, coordinated major life decisions with them... Essentially, I would have gladly behaved like a spouse in all ways but one. I’ve gotten more cynical and a little less open-hearted over the years but I'd like to think there are still remnants of that girl somewhere in there because, frankly, I rather liked her. Maybe with the right people around she might resurface. The only thing is, I don’t like the idea of permanently placing more importance on one friend over all others. I feel like different people are important to us in different ways and at different moments. Then again, separate friends do often have very specific roles that they play in our lives, so why not make one of them “co-parent” and “designated +1”? After all, if you ignore the hanky-panky side of things, what is a wife or a husband if not a really close friend who’s promised to be around all the time?

Mind you, I'd only ever want to marry a friend that I was absolutely sure had no romantic feelings for me and never would. Isn't that funny? But imagine how messy things could get otherwise.

Okay, but why even get married - to anyone, let alone a friend?

Many people nowadays believe that marriage has become obsolete, that they don’t need a big party or a piece of paper. Perhaps that’s true and, thankfully, in this day and age most couples have a choice. But for some of us symbols are still important and a wedding is more than just a party. It is a declaration of love and commitment that you share with the world. There are no guarantees in life but marriage gives us extra stakes. Any marriage can break down and many do but that’s what makes tying the knot an act of trust and bravery.

I’ve got your back, you’re saying to your partner. It’s possible that I may stop loving you in the future but right now I can’t imagine that. At this moment you have all of me. I am willing to declare that in front of everyone and shame on me if I am being dishonest about it.

It’s not saying that things can never go wrong. It’s making it absolutely clear that you will try to prevent that from happening and take the consequences if it does.

So, then...

After all of this advocating, am I planning on marrying one of my friends and having a bunch of babies that we take care of together? No - at least not for now. It’s an idealistic idea that probably wouldn’t work in practice. Not in most situations, although there are always exceptions. But it does give us something to consider. In our quest to “not be alone” perhaps we sometimes focus so much on our romantic relationships and the search for our other half that we neglect other connections of equal value. Even if we don’t marry our friends, in this crazy century that often does everything to separate us, we could still put a bit more effort into being there for them, for their children and families, the way we would be for our own.