She Was Lonely

She was lonely and so was I. It started off as an innocent project that would lead to a rollercoaster of emotion. Picking a half dozen girls on a pen pal site for women in the penitentiary seemed harmless enough. Why not help out someone in a messed up situation? I've been there, so I know. Even a short piece of mail can take a persons day from depressing to a smile. I wanted to be the reason for someone's smile.

I logged in my computer and within a couple of weeks had several girls writing me. I told myself I wouldn't get emotionally attached to anyone, I'd just be the best friend I could be. I was wrong. A couple of the girls had already become attached to me by the time SHE wrote. SHE would prove to be the most turbulent girl I have ever known and still is to this day.

We will call her Adele. Who I thought would be the love of my life before long. It's a funny thing what needing someone to talk to can do to you after a while. I don't consider myself a sucker, at least I try to stay away from negative self talk. Sometimes that's a major task all on its own. So today I live my life like there were no promises, only an experience and a friendship. I could see it coming, so here's the story of an attempt and failure at love.

It isn't hard to get bamboozled when you are alone and need someone to call your own, to fill that void. We attempt to fill the hole right there in the middle of our chests, where you know a beating heart belongs. My heart became heavy and muddled so many years ago that I'm not so certain this is the same lifetime as the one I knew as a companion to a beautiful woman. Long before I wrote Adele I was a married man. I was whole then. Now more of a shell. We divorced and I still yearn for that connection. The one I had before things went south all those years ago. That life before the hell I've been condemned to now. All those years are like a dream. Honestly I don't think of the past times too much anymore, it does explain a lot about me here and today, I suppose. So we will delve into that some as well.

Adele still calls me to this day. Thing is, every time she does it's like she is twisting the knife in my back she placed so deep and skilled without batting an eye. She doesn't "seem" to know what she is doing to me, although I suspect she does. Yet another user. Not drugs or alcohol. A user of people. I've learned much in my studies of the human race. Something very common is for people to look for their benefits and ignore the real cost. Most of all when the burden is laid on a party outside of themselves.

This story shouldn't be taken negatively. It was a learning experience. A hard earned one I do not regret. I only regret I did not have my shot. Not a real shot. thrown to the wolves I still survive and even thrive. When you place too much of yourself and happiness in the hands of something or someone outside of yourself you increase the risk of being let down or even destroyed. Having the attitude you don't need anyone is not healthy to me, neither is being overly dependent. The most difficult people to deal with in my opinion are those that look for nothing more than gain. Always concerned with checks and balances. I don't say this to harp on anyone, because more often than not, this "benefits" attitude is the one I have. At least in the most recent days.

She was a girl in a bad position, I was a man in a position to help. That is how it began. I sent gifts and money for food and other commodities. I explained I just wanted a friend and my goal was to pretty much keep her company and pay forward what people had done for me. We began getting to know each other very well. Then one day I received a letter and it said she loved me and wanted me to be hers. She wanted me to wait for her.

So I did. A year went by. She didn't come home. She went with someone else. We stayed in contact. It wasn't long before I realized things would become toxic. That's exactly what happened. I still answer her calls. I don't know exactly why. I guess I still love her. I'm not so sure she loves me. I think maybe I'm just that back burner guy now. So I end this without any thought of being with the lonely girl. This is my closer and a hard lesson learned.

The more time you spend waiting on the wrong person or people to come around the more the right ones pass you by. I met a really nice girl recently. Maybe she will be the next chapter and a better one. Keep your head up and remember no time is wasted, but sometimes it could be better spent.

~ John U. Gunter