She Remembers

Her mind has been so focused on happier days. When things were beautiful, no matter how difficult. Everything they touched just seemed to flourish. Nice cars, well-dressed children, summer vacations to the beach. The cushy Cadillac Deville! It was a dream life.

Out of nowhere comes a memory, bringing about a fire in her throat. What feels like a truck size boulder settles in on her chest.

She remembers the tears shed that night. How she felt, emptied and hollow. The moment she became aware of his still, very present feelings for her, became a bitter undoing.

His first wife was beautiful. He loved her deeply. That's what she felt in her chest each time he remembered out loud. In the beginning, when sharing experiences his eyes glowed with the uttering of her name. Even though he rarely had a good thing to offer of their short union. His eyes told of deep love. The remnants of a painful end flickered beneath the colors. Shades of pain danced in those baby blue eyes.

Closing her eyes, she visualizes how beautiful it was on the Florida coast. The salty air was so warm on her skin. Their family making memories that would last a lifetime. They were young and had money to burn.

Beneath the surface of her smile though, lay a secret that was killing her. A wife, a mother, dying. She had received the news just over a month before. She needed the surgery if she was to survive this. She was so full of fear. Fear of death. Fear of leaving her children behind. She refused to accept the facts. Instead, she pretended it didn't exist. She was determined to make the week’s vacation one with many unforgettable memories. She'd face the music once that was done.

On the second night of a 7-day trip, they visited a hotspot where they offered Karaoke. She got on stage singing one of her favorite songs from her youth. As she sang she noticed him. With his eyes fixed on a blonde, she followed the beam from his eyes to her. What a dead ringer for his first love. She felt a burning in her stomach as she belted out the words to Sweet Child of Mine. She watched as he became increasingly more uncomfortable. He appeared to squirm and behave rather agitated. As she wrapped up her performance, applause filled the room. She bounced from her spotlight and into his arms. Those arms felt stiff and cold. His lips spoke words that sent shockwaves of pain through her heart. "I thought I saw her, it looked just like her.” As he said those words his eyes held the same look she had seen many times over the last 8 years.

They left directly. He repeated the words a few more times on the way back to the rented beach house. She sat silent. Looking out her window, feeling the heat from tears that fell from one eye and then the other, sometimes in pairs.

She felt such betrayal at that moment. She at once realized that even after 8 years and 7 children she would always be the second choice. This ripped her to shreds silently.

She said nothing upon arriving at their accommodations. He made his way to the bed, falling fast asleep. All she had left in her was to grab the radio, her favorite Mary J Blige CD, and hit the beach. This is where she stayed until the sun came up over the ocean. The pain remained present for a great many years after that night. Even up until the most recent summer.

She comes back to her current reality. Accepting the way she harbored that pain and allowed it to turn bitter. She knows how she drew from it, in every situation that even remotely gave her the same feeling of playing second fiddle.

She was released at that moment. Freed from the residual effects of this pain. Deciding, with a slight grin on her face, that she'd never visit this memory carrying the burden of its once bitter taste. Instead, she will choose to see it as one of her greatest strengths. Always there lying dormant; Now raging having realized, the power to sustain a knowing like that.