Serendipity

I remember the first time I realised this was something I was never going to be able to forget.

As Stefan and I were walking in the frozen foods aisle, I gripped the little black book with the shopping list staring perversely at each item I needed to buy. It hit me like an iceberg, for a moment I half-stepped into my reality and since the first time our eyes locked, I looked at him and truly felt empty inside. Love which began as hot as embers now felt dull and distant. Manifesting itself through other forms leaving a trail of resentment and disappointment. I kept replaying it in my mind "the frozen foods aisle’?!? Really!" Of all places, this is where I am going to have to face the truth.

He asked whether we needed frozen mangos, or strawberries. I stood stagnantly unable to articulate myself. He felt like a stranger, with an aura that almost felt foreign, and a face amidst the sea of shoppers surrounding us. I felt nothing inside.

I don’t remember where the time went, we had been married for 8 years at this point. When did our love die? And how long had I been pretending? I gripped the black book tighter in my hand to stop myself from screaming aloud. Helplessly pouring the emotions into my fist to maintain the out-of-body experience I was having.

He looked around the aisle with a perplexed expression on his face unaware of what I was feeling and why he was being ignored. People started to stare. He walked up to me, closing the gap with two slow steps. My body moved without my permission.

“Babe, you okay” he asked

The distance between us closing summoned an unfamiliar feeling which pushed me to move further away.

“Olivia, people are staring at us” he whispered as his eyes darted back and forth.

I stood still, frozen in my conviction as the many people amongst us stared. We locked eyes and I felt him reach deep into my soul. For 8 long years, his eyes like pools of honey were a comfort I could always return to. But now, they held no space for consolation. At least that is how it felt to me as if he himself knew everything finally clicked in my mind. Everything made sense for me. The insignificant moments to the major ones all led to this. Stefan didn’t matter anymore; the world didn’t revolve around him. A man I once sought solace in now belonged into the ether.

I somehow awoke after ruminating and replied with a half-smile, “strawberries please”. I dropped the book which now had become rolled and bent into the shape of my fist. Receipts from previous dinner dates and long drives scattered across the floor almost reminding me further what I was willing to leave behind. I took a moment to myself eyes glued to the ground each memory tugging at my heartstrings. I saw the lottery card we had bought from the gas station the day before and instantly picked it up. I remembered the phrase my mother would always tell me “If I win the lottery once and I never have to go back to work, Lord I’ll promise to be free for you on Sundays". The memory of my mother cracked a smile on my face, and I turned my heel and never looked back. Ever again. A monumental moment for me as my true needs became clearer than ever.

I ran out into the parking lot and adjusted to the heat and bright light of the sun. I walked toward the car my throat feeling dry like the cracked earth making my need for water more and more apparent. I sat on the warm leather seats and stared hard at the lottery card feeling dumb that I had picked it up in the first place. I scratched away pushing my frustration into the car keys which were now being used to reveal the numbers hidden behind. The thoughts of my mother’s persistence with these kinds of things pushed me to scratch till the end. A $20,000 revealed itself towards the end almost in symmetry to the life I was leaving behind.

Sometimes, it’s not about what the other person needs from you. Sometimes. It’s what you need to do for yourself.