Self Growth

Happiness, like art is subjective. Even the very process of creating art is subjective, we impart our opinions, ideas, and unique style in with everything we create. Happiness is the same, our life’s experiences curate the things that make us happy, each person sees happiness a bit differently. Much like Vincent van Gogh’s The Starry Night for example, a masterpiece created from his outlook and his interpretation of his surroundings that came back to him in a dream. He was what drew me to art as a young child, his work sparked my passion and was my first real introduction to arts.

Like some artists, I have faced an uphill battle, during such battle I lost my footing and myself. Nothing seemed to feel right, not even previous interests. I struggled for I began to wonder HOW other artists could see and create such beautiful things during such bleak seeming moments. My personal conflicts with depression and CPTSD from childhood trauma etched over my once innocent outlook and painted a much darker picture in its place. This created a rift of emotions so deep I struggled to connect to art all together… to translate my thoughts and ideas into creative works.

What resulted was an immense creative block; I couldn’t even write poetry which was one of my favorite outlets. For years I was afraid to admit that these negative experiences had shaped my view and changed the way I saw beauty in the world. I didn’t want to honor those intense emotions. I felt more alone than ever before and just wanted to see world through rose colored glasses again. I didn’t know I had been looking in the wrong places for my inspiration instead of focusing my search externally I needed to turn inward. As I began my journey to self-acceptance, I started to see just how deeply I had buried myself to hide from my reality. Beneath deep layers of nonchalance and bottled-up feelings was the once broken girl, still just as hurt as I was in the throes of my traumatic experiences.

However, I wouldn’t silence these feelings this time, instead I reached deep within and began to honor them. I began to grieve for myself, to forgive myself, and to accept myself where I was. With those tears new life began to grow, a small seedling of desire sprouting deep within. Passion began burning, and those happy little cogs turning as ideas started to flow. This time there would be no roadblocks, and nothing to stop me. I had more than an art project, I had a purpose.

The idea started off very simple, I wanted to create a decorative planter out of an upcycled vintage doll. Just as I had, the once worn and forgotten doll would change dramatically, it would hold a new meaning of happiness and new life. As I began carving; that passion grew. I cut off a good chunk of hair to make the opening on her head, this would later result in my decision to add quite a bit more yarn and refresh her hairstyle.

I began cutting long strands of black yarn, snipping each carefully with scissors so not the fray the ends. I then tapered them and began mapping out where they would be glued into place. For the remaining yarn on the head, I soaked it in a very diluted fabric dye, as well as her clothing. Every strand of black yarn was cut and glued in by hand, one by one as well as about 50 percent of the blonde yarn. I styled her hair as I glued each piece in; boldened her features, added weighting, and hand painted her shoes. As each detail was finished, the fervor to add more overtook. It was now not just a planter, but an expression of my self-growth. As I finished my work, I felt a familiar happiness wash over me, something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Because of this I decided to title my piece of living art “Self-Growth”.