Scrolling

I said I’m fine.

What a joke.

It’s what you always say to stop those nasty swines from getting out of line,

And twisting your words,

So as to provoke you,

Until you’re the one who misspoke.

There was a time,

Not long ago,

My thoughts were mine.

My hobbies and likes weren’t lobbies to the crimes of peers,

Who sought to pioneer my traits for their own mates and personal gain.

In vein,

Prudent old me ignored these students,

Who were more than just a nuisance,

As they tore me down for what I adore.

And what for?

So they could stand tall,

And watch me crawl into a shell of internal hell,

Questioning if really all was well?

What did they know about me?

They see what I want them to see,

And for all I knew amidst this dread they couldn’t get inside my head.

Oh, but they did.

…

Once I left that cesspit,

Desperate for an exit,

I believed that I’d be relieved from all the demeaning discrimination,

Not meaning to fall into a pit of self-deprecation.

Yeah,

Everything did feel great,

With much less hate about,

And all that heavy weight I carried,

No doubt tarried by my social downfall,

Now dispersed,

Yet laid foundations of my social wall.

You have one new message.

Hey Daisy!

We miss you so much.

Really don’t hear from you as such these days, hoping you’re doing well.

It’d be swell if you could call me back asap.

So, to recap,

The gals and I are going to the mall this Saturday for a break away.

Well, love from all, kisses!

Message deleted.

End of messages.

Don’t be conceited.

I love my friends!

But my story with them ends when the scrolling commenced.

I had to steel oneself against my newfound obsession –

A confession,

That I was now fanatic with social media,

And an instigate acedia.

Friends of trophies?

Ha!

What’s the difference if one’s a phony or a genuine crony?

‘Friends’ became numbers I lumbered around,

Without a spot of care if I knew them or not.

But why?

People wouldn’t bat an eye when I shared a post that I liked,

And ghosted me when it was on their terms.

What worms.

Twelve likes,

What a ruse for 81 views!

Even on social media I was downed for the way I did things,

And everything that made me, me.

So,

I scrolled.

Controlled by the need to see the latest feed,

And a yearning to learn what it was I had to do to become exactly

Like

You.

I couldn’t stop.

The more I saw,

The more I was drawn towards the axiom,

That the acme of myself was less than everyone else.

It only took one cannery photo for the gallery to grow.

I didn’t run.

I didn’t have that kind of fun.

I didn’t think that makeup would pick up the boys,

The ploys involved,

But people liked it.

They liked me!

Even if they couldn’t see the feeble weasel behind the media mask.

Just waiting and waiting and waiting.

Scrolling and scrolling it just keeps on going!

What did it matter if it was all a lie?

Try to hide behind a veil of fairy tales.

What did it matter if it wasn’t me?

Don’t you see?

I’m no longer that scaredy-cat,

With enemies that puppeteered my every move.

This is proof that I am one of them!

…

Then again,

It was far from the gritty truth.

I wasn’t pretty or slim,

Nor went to the gym to rid my bumps and curves,

Or cleanse my skin from the plukes and scars,

That contend with the media stars.

“We miss you daisy”

Don’t be crazy,

I saw your post,

At most you boasted the fun you had!

I’m not a priss,

But you know what?

I’m glad you ‘miss’ me.

I’m nothing special.

“Looking Great”

What a state.

I see the lies have reached your eyes!

“Don’t hear from you as such.”

I’m fine.

“Miss you so much.”

I said I’m fine.

“Call me back, okay?”

I SAID I’M FINE!

…

Let me put this straight.

Once you associate yourself with so called mates,

You become bate to the captivating delusion that you are safe.

Yet,

It only takes you to let your guard down around these hungry beasts,

For them to feast on their new prey:

A buffet of betray.

You see,

Connections are simply infections,

And I’m done being everyone else’s emotional projection!

...

Do you see me now?

You finally did get inside my head.

____________________________________________________

If you or anyone you love displays or feels symptoms or emotions simular to the content mentioned in my slam poetry, please don't hesitate to get help. Depression and other forms of mental health issues come in varies forms and it is better to talk about it instead of bottling up, which is something that I did. The first step I took to get myself out of my depression was by admitting that I was struggling and admitting that I needed help, even if it was just from a close friend. People who ostacized me to the point I felt like I couldn't live within my own skin were not worth the pain or worth the effort of seeking validation through social media. In a world consumed by technology never forget the people who aren't a simple number in your Facebook friends list - they are the ones that see your worth.

Here is a link to the BBC information about mental health and support which is filled with helpful links and connections you can use if you'd like or need it: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/PZ1rmj8cBHb3R2WVWKpJ6Q/information-and-support-mental-health