Saying NO to Love Day

Soul Searching

Many, many years ago a young girl was searching for the missing piece. From the outside looking in, she appeared to have it all. The thing or things that all little girls dream of – a loving family, attendance to the best school, popularity, and more friends than one could ever hope for…. but what’s funny is none of this offered her true happiness or fulfillment.

How many of us see ourselves as this little girl? Even now, as a grown woman, you are sitting on top of the world as an accomplished, independent, fearless go-getter and you cannot shake those internal feelings that settling was or is still okay. You know in your heart of hearts that your more is out there. It could be a better position, more education, or I dare say a significant other to share and experience life’s journey. You deserve the stars to be aligned. And whose to say that you are not destined to get all the desires of your heart.

Well, I can honestly say that in some ways I can identify. I am still carrying hold to that little girl searching for me even as I embark on my 40th year around the sun in about five months. My confliction is rooted in the lack of love experienced even as a young girl and into my adulthood or so I thought. It started with feelings of rejection as a result of a shattered family dynamic. Then the real appearance of hopelessness when I had to accept reality of my stereotypical case of a single-mother household. The thoughts that I was a failure as I saw friends growing up with two parents who loved them ripped my heart apart week after week as I enjoyed roller skating with these same friends. In retrospect, my representation of family was not all that bad. I had a mother that adored me, aunts that spoiled me and grandparents that showed me a world where love transcends time and space.

But everything that glitters isn’t gold. See I once had a love story. And at the beginning of it all, I anticipated all it had to offer. He was what I thought at the time, my fairytale in living flesh. I explored and envisioned my forever with him. Just like that love I experienced firsthand day in and day out with my grandparents, a love that transcends time. And my beliefs were that no matter how hard it gets; you work it out and stay together if you remember that your love for one another first began when you were friends. Let’s just say my fairytale ended after what felt like a life sentence where there were lies, betrayal, mistrust, and infidelity. My feelings were all over the place. It was like experiencing a death and I had to go through my own grieving process. After experiencing a farce of a relationship and having a partner, not a love mate for so many years, there was never a need for a Valentine’s Day. I started out all for it at one time in my life, but like the song “Unappreciated” by the group Cherish, I saw the change in him and he came to show how unappreciative he was of me and it got to the point that he stopped saying he loved me too. The year 2005 was the beginning of my strike against love day.

Thus, my Anti-Valentine’s Playlist began to form.

The Challenge

It was not until I really thought about it that the best way to get through my grief process was to turn to where my passion lies. My therapy has always been my love for music. Internalizing the lyrics that are penned by some of the most incredible female artists has truly helped me. Over the years my playlist has grown and grown, but I do have a top ten that I resort to as a reminder that the pain felt from the hurt, has only polished me into what is still evolving into the woman I am today. All my experiences, both good and bad, have catapulted my new sense of self and accepting that there are people and situations I cannot change.

If I had to give my playlist an official title, I would call it “Game Over”. The semblance is relative to my healing on so many levels. When I say the game is over, I am telling a love now lost that you can no longer play around with my heart and feelings like I never mattered. It also says that I have had enough of defending what was never real for you, like it was for me. And finally, it is game over for me denying myself of what God has for me.

My process to overcome my hurt required that I go through the five stages of grief for a breakup – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The idea behind the songs I carefully selected identify to each stage in my process. And though there are multiple songs that can apply, I want to share the ones that really highlight my mindset at the time when I was at my worst in many cases, but eventually as time progressed, I was getting better. Through these songs I was consoled on the many nights where I cried myself to sleep. I was released from the burden of my own personal blame and guilt. And most importantly still today, I find strength and encouragement that I have acknowledged my circumstance, reflected introspectively, released my strong feelings of distain, and moved past debilitating pain and hurt.

Nicole's TOP 10 Say NO To Love Playlist

DENIAL

10. Not Gon Cry - Mary J. Blige

9. Just Be A Man About It - Toni Braxton

ANGER

8. I Hope She Cheat On You (With a Basketball Player) - Marsha Ambrosius

7. Bust your Windows - Jazmine Sullivan

BARGAINING

6. Before You Walk Out My Life - Monica

5. Foolish - Ashanti

DEPRESSION

4. Stranger In My House - Tamia

3. Wish I Didn't Miss You - Angie Stone

ACCEPTANCE

2. Irreplaceable - Beyonce

1. Wanna Be Loved - Jill Scott

My Reflection

As memories fade and seasons change, one thing remains the same, I am a survivor. I am no longer defined by the issues of my past. There have been relationships that were once near and dear to me, but now have reached their expiration date. I am well within my soul to accept that these particular persons have outgrown me and I can sever any ties with them.

As I have embraced my hurt and have taken control of my life, I am focusing on what lies ahead. There will be no looking back. My growth has introduced me to a newness that revealed itself to me when it was least expected. My heart is open to receive, though still under repair. New interests and endless possibilities are now my motivation.

Moving on has revealed that I matter not only to me, but to those who genuinely care for me. Over the last three years, I have a greater appreciation for my life and how I impact others. I have learned how to value and love myself through self-care. My emotional and mental health are of the greatest importance to my vitality. And I will no longer just settle because I am worth so much more. As I continue my healing, I now acknowledge Valentine’s Day not just in February on one time of the year, but everyday to love me first so that I can love others.

It is my hope that all who reads my story are inspired and know that you are not what others label you as, but far more. Love yourself not enough to not blatantly subject yourself to pain. You are the one who ultimately dictates your destiny.

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”

~Robert Morley