Satire: Jesus struggles to join a social movement after becoming an American

The word is out: Jesus has finally become an American. So, of course, He's excited. He should be. After all, He did create us, right? In His first act of diving into our culture, He ate American pizza (the non-gluten-free kind) and drank soda (or pop, as the Midwest calls it). Then He visited our frequent landmarks. He was astounded by how they paled compared to other great architectural pieces, such as the Pyramids of Giza or the West Wall in Jerusalem.

Yet, He's surviving the culture shock of becoming a true White, Red, and Blue kind of God. Reportedly, he isn't doing so well in picking a social issue to support. At first, he was approached by the police, who made a compelling case as to why Blue Lives Mattered. Before Him, they laid out the pros of their cause, quietly concealing the cons. In essence, they failed to mention the brutality part that casts a dubious shadow over the movement. Still, Jesus listened and said He would get back to them.

After kindly dismissing the cops, Jesus heard a knock at the door. He went to answer. There was an uproar outside as He reached for the door. When He opened it, the LGBTQ Pride was on His porch having a blast. They were singing about the YMCA and yelling about the importance of self-love and cultural acceptance. Of course, He was confused at first, but then He warmed up to them and joined in the sing-along.

A few hours after the innocent wantonness, Jesus bid them goodbye and retreated to His kitchen. There He fixed Himself something to drink. All the singing and laughing had worn Him out. He then went to the couch to sit down and give His feet rest. He turned on the TV. On the screen were members of Black Lives Matter talking about the corruption within the police force and how blacks were being targeted. Jesus was confused. He had met the police, and they seemed friendly to him. He wasn't understanding. He listened carefully, but He was lost in the rhetoric. So, He changed the channel.

That's when He notices a sea of people dressed in yellow reflective vests and yellow hard hats. Who were these folk? And what was going on with them? Apparently, they were a large group of people worldwide protesting fuel prices, the high cost of living, and economic inequality. This puzzled Jesus. He wasn't sure why people were protesting free things such as petroleum when He had given that to them without charge. And economic inequality, what did that mean?

He couldn't take it anymore, so He turned off the TV. Besides Him was a magazine. He picked it up. Maybe in there, He could find peace. Unfortunately, the copy highlighted the plight of women across the world and America. It specifically spoke about the #MeToo Movement and how it started. Of course, that interested Him, so He read on. A few paragraphs into the well-written article, Jesus couldn't stand the wickedness of men who prayed on innocent women and exploited or attempted to exploit them in terms of sexuality. He was sick to his stomach.

He turned the last few pages of the article. He thought maybe the next piece would be more upbeat. Instead, to His dissatisfaction, He landed on a report that spoke about the abortion rights of women being revoked. He was flabbergasted. Rights were a natural thing given to everyone equally, yet here was a group of people calling themselves Supreme Justices, stripping away fundamental and connatural rights from women. The audacity.

That was it. It was too much to bear. He got up from the couch and stepped outside. Maybe the LGBTQ folk were still out partying. They weren't. Instead, He saw His neighbor wearing a red baseball cap that read Make America Great Again. So naturally, He approached His neighbor and talked to Him. Jesus mentioned how weird His day had been after meeting people or reading a few articles. He wanted to support everyone without offending anyone. That's when His neighbor smirked and said, "You don't have to support anyone of them Libtards. Join us; we will make you great again too."