Sandi's Insecurity

You know the old saying, “be careful what you ask for?” Well in my case, this is one time I wish I would’ve never asked. Here I was, Ms. Sandi Whitaker, in my prime, mid-twenties, I must add, living my best life. Unfortunately, my insecurities set in, leading to a moment I can never take back. Let’s go back to a year ago, when the most exciting day of my life became the worst day of my life.

It all began in the skirts of my hometown Pensacola, FL, where the palm trees bloomed all year round, with lovely views of the effervescent beach waters. There was always something going on. Two people from two different upbringings, and different takes on life, came together so magically, but were, regrettably, torn apart. His name was Johnathan Spencer. Handsome brown skinned, tall, about 6’4 to be exact, with nice, broad shoulders. Ladies just imagine a nice tall cup of hot mocha being served up just right! He had the most gorgeous ocean green eyes anyone would die for, and he was just the kind of man I always imagined myself with. You can say our encounter was like no other. One of those whirlwind romances you hear about in fairy tales, but for me, it was reality.

We met at the beach, and when our eyes locked, you would have thought that we were catapulted up together into a beautiful tidal wave, nothing separating us. As we stood there, pelvis to pelvis, my thick and curvy hips pressed against his fully loaded, well-endowed physique, an unforgettable moment took place. It was definitely love at first sight! Aside from his great looks and well-equipped physique, he was very intelligent and very intriguing, and I could not resist getting to know him better.

In the duration of our time together, we were inseparable. Wherever he was, there was I, and vice versa. He had come into my life when I was most vulnerable. I had recently come into a small inheritance of $20,000, left to me by my estranged father, whom I never really knew, but had heard about thru my siblings and my late mother. I felt like our meeting was right on time. It was the breath of fresh air, I needed. Our beautiful courtship lasted for a little over a year. I felt that I had truly found the man of my dreams. He was always there when I needed him, even at the worst of times. He always knew what to do to lift my spirits.

One night, he decided to take me back to Opal Beach, where we first met, which was also one of my favorite places. He had put together a nice picnic for the two of us. He packed some hors d’oeuvres and an exquisite wine. Everything was flowing nicely. He took me in his arms and told me I was the woman of his dreams. He then proceeded to get down on one knee and asked me to marry him! I was so happy, I just wanted to shout my love over the rooftops of how I was so head over heels in love with this man! I anxiously replied with “Yes!” and he took me in his arms and laid the most fulfilling, passionate kiss ever upon my lips. There was no end to the amount of passion I felt for him at that moment, as our bodies became one. It was as if the world paused for just a moment, and there was no one left on the planet except for he and I.

After we had enjoyed a beautiful night together, we came back home and decided to turn in from our lovely night. We both had really enjoyed just being together in every way. When we got to our room, he tossed his jacket on the armrest of the chair beside the bed, and out falls this mysterious little black book! It slid underneath the chair. He didn’t realize it fell, but I saw it, but acted like nothing was wrong. We showered and he turned in for the night. I was very curious by now, wanting to know why this book was tucked away in his pocket, and what was so important about it that he had to have it in his pocket tonight, of all nights. I took it upon myself to investigate further to see what was going on. Later that night, after he was sound asleep, I looked thru the pages of this mysterious black book, and to my surprise, I saw numerous names of women, some of the names I was familiar with, and some were not familiar. I also saw that some of the names had asterisks next to them, for what I did not know, but was determined to find out very quickly. Some of the names were also listed as cousins and nieces, which kind of threw me off. I was seething! Spitefully, I decided to reach out to them, and invited them over, because I wanted to get to the core of the matter and find out exactly what was going on here before I married this man, who, up until now, I believed to be the man of my dreams.

Lo and behold, the next day comes and I share this compelling, and newly discovered information with my then fiancé. He seemed very distraught and hurt to hear this unexpected news, and the look he gave me still haunts me to this day. As he stood there in total shock, there was a knock at the door. In came the women I invited over, and that is when everything turned upside down and took a turn for the worse. We went outside to the balcony to have dinner and some drinks. They began to tell me how they knew my then fiancé. It turned out these women actually were his relatives, and the asterisks that I saw by their names were reminders for him to reach out to them later that day to invite them over to our surprise engagement party that he had planned for me. My face dropped, and in that moment, I just wanted to crawl up in a hole and disappear from the whole world. Those gorgeous, piercing green eyes that were once so mesmerizing, now looked back at me with so much despair. I could not think of anything to say at that time that would convince him that this was an honest mistake, because of the way it was so carefully thought and planned out at the time. I still feel the sting of his leaving, even to this day. No matter how hard I apologized and pleaded for him to take me back, he would not budge. I truly let my insecurities get the best of me, and it cost me the love of my life. To think it was all due to my insecurities over a “Little Black Book”!