Rushing Yards

-Bend, Oregon. 1986-

Travis maintained his stealthy grip on the steering wheel, his gaze at the center of it. "We can't be seen together anymore," he said. "People are talking. I could lose my scholarship."

Finally he turned off the ignition. He released his hands and collapsed forward. "My mother knows. She’s been covering for me to my dad, but she can’t keep it up." His baritone voice shook with pure self-hatred.

Matthew scooted in closer, placing a hand on Travis's thigh. "Hey," he uttered, while running a hand through Travis's auburn hair. "We're eighteen. No one can tell us what to do." He tried to go in for a comforting kiss. A kiss they have shared in secret throughout senior year.

Unaware of his own strength, Travis pushed Matthew away. "Are you kidding me?" he scolded. He pounded his own chest. "People have been telling me exactly what to do since I was in Pee-Wee Football! And now that I have this scholarship? You think it's stoppin'? Hell no! This is just the beginning."

Noticing that Matthew had knocked his head on the passenger side window, Travis stopped, horrified. He frantically scooped Matthew into his arms. "Oh my god, Matty. Sweet Matty. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

"I’m fine." Matthew said. Nestled within Travis's neck, Matthew breathed Travis in, once, then again. He wished to remain there forever, because Travis, with all of his muscled shoulders and torso, smelled, and felt, so very good.

Matthew gradually sat up and looked to his lover of the past year. "Travis, you can't keep living your life according to what your parents want."

Travis shook his head. "Easy for you to say. You're at the top of the class. And you did that all on your own. You can go anywhere and do anything."

After moments of silence, Travis sighed in defeat. "I didn't pass all of my classes. I know I didn't. But somehow I got that football scholarship, a full ride. My parents, my coaches, they arranged all of it. I owe them. Plus it's my only way out of this crap town."

Matthew gazed down to the floor mat. He had to steady his glasses to keep them from falling off. "So this is it, then. After the most amazing year of my life. It was amazing for you, too.”

Travis just grunted. "Don't. Don't talk like that.”

He exhaled while staring out the windshield. "Tomorrow is graduation. You give your valedictorian speech. I will receive my MVP award. We don't talk, or even make eye contact. Okay?"

Matthew nodded reluctantly. “If that’s what you want.” He turned toward the door and cracked it open.

Roughly sliding over the vinyl seats Travis hastily grabbed Matthew’s shoulder and turned him around. “Hey. This is not what I want.” He uttered. “But that doesn’t matter. If my dad finds out…or my coach….”Travis’s body tensed, he bit his lips all the while shaking his head. “We just can’t.”

They stared at each other; green eyes to brown ones. After a moment Matt ran his hand along Travis’s cheek, pulled him in. He placed his lips on his. The all-star lineman responded in kind. His entire body loosened. The coach’s demands, the father’s anger, at once melting away with Matthew’s touch. Both knew this would be their final kiss.

Matt pulled away and looked back towards his house. The daisies were growing tall. They hid the rotted siding well. "Well, thanks for the ride home," he said. He stepped down from the truck and closed the door.

Without acknowledgment, Travis peeled away down the gravel road leaving Matthew in a cloud of dust.

-Bend, Oregon. 2021-

Matthew took a look around after glancing at the menu entitled 'Small Bites.' Apparently this was the only menu. Chicken sliders, a hummus plate, something called Keto peanut noodles. Bend's swanky new wine bar was lit with clear garden lights, the high stools and tables were constructed from reclaimed oak barrels. The place was filled with lively Millennials spending money they didn’t actually have.

They seemed happy though. Genuinely. This generation possessed a social ease Matthew and his peers had never known. No one batted an eye at the guy with the messy bun piled atop his head, nor at the women seated together, sporting colorful tattoos along with their business attire.

A bulky figure ducked through the doorway. Matt abruptly stood and smoothed down his tie. He held up a hand. He would know Travis anywhere. So tall and big, yet uncomfortable with such bigness.

Travis surveyed the delicate place as if he would break something if he moved. He spotted Matt and held up a hand, a huge goofy smile spread across his face as he lumbered over.

“Hey man, how the hell are ya?” Travis bellowed. He playfully shoved Matt on the shoulder which sent Matt stumbling backwards. “Oh, sorry. I’m still so bad about that!” They both laughed as Travis reached out to steady his high school sweetheart.

Matt regained his stance and rose up on his toes to embrace Travis. They each slapped each other on the back. Travis tempered his strength this time.

“You haven’t aged a bit!” Travis declared as he sat down on the reclaimed stool. His face momentarily winced in pain as he did so; he rubbed his low back with one hand.

Matthew wished he could say the same. Travis was still the biggest guy in the room, but it wasn’t all muscle anymore. His nose many times broken. A prominent divot beneath his left eye. His neck and shoulders seemed to move as one unit. Years of tackling and being tackled had taken their toll.

A peppy server with a multi-colored ponytail appeared. “Hey guys!” she announced. She placed a bottle on the table and magically whipped out two stemmed glasses.

“I took the liberty of ordering wine,” Matthew said.

“Oh good. I know nothing.” Travis said. He patted his stomach. “As you can probably tell I’m a pizza and six-pack type of guy.”

The server poured each man a finger’s worth of wine while noting, “This is a Merlot from Bright Cellars. Richly textured with subtle hints of smoke.”

Matthew took a fragile sip then spent a moment in thought. He rubbed his trim beard while gazing to the server. “And do I detect tobacco, as well? This is a nice Merlot.”

The hipster waitress clearly approved. She poured both glasses then placed the bottle down on the table. She spirited herself away.

“What do you think?” Matthew asked.

Travis set his glass down. His meaty hand encompassed the entire thing. No way could he manage it by the stem. “I like it,” he said after some hesitation. “But I don’t taste any smoke or textures.”

Matt smiled. “That’s okay. If you like it, you like it.”

They continued to enjoy each other’s company as well as the Merlot. “Hey, thanks for asking me out.” Travis chimed in. “When you appeared on my Instagram, I was, well, I was happy to see you. And my posts? Super dorky I know. Thanks for just messaging me.”

Matt shook his head after a pull of Merlot. “It was nice to hear from you after all these years. Even if all you post is pictures of your lunch.”

They both devolved into a fit of adolescent laughter as Travis dropped his head into one hand, rolling his eyes. “Yeah. I do love my food.”

Matt held up a finger while setting his glass down. “I have a confession to make. I’ve somewhat followed your career.”

Travis shook his head. “Eh, It wasn’t much.”

“Are you kidding me?” Matt declared. “Thirteen seasons in the NFL? Nearly a thousand catches? How many touchdowns? Fifty? Almost made the Superbowl. I’d say that’s damn good!”

Travis brushed him away. “That was so long ago. Guess I did alright though, yeah.”

Matt rubbed the back of his neck. “And you married?”

Travis nodded. “Lisa? She’s great. One of the smartest, most genuine people I’ve met. A lot like you.”

He took a drink, set the glass down and ran a hand along his balding head. “But we called it quits a few years back. She knew I couldn’t love her. I really tried, ya know? I really did.”

That familiar self-hatred came through so much that Matthew placed his hand upon Travis’s. He knew Travis had tried; that’s all the guy ever did.

Travis exhaled. “Despite our issues, though, we’ve raised three awesome kids. I love being a dad and I couldn’t ask for a better mother to my children than Lisa.”

His tired eyes glistened at the mere mention of his kids.

“I’m happy for you.” Matt said as he raised his glass to his lips. “So what brings you back home?”

“My dad has dementia.” Travis said, bringing a palm to his forehead. “God, I swear he’s more of an S.O.B than ever. Mom was overwhelmed and needed help.”

Travis shrugged. “Enough about me. What has Sweet Matty been doing all these years?

Matt tilted his head to one side. “Well, my mother practically kicked me out of the house after graduation. She said, and I quote: ‘You’re wasting away here. Get yourself to California to be with your own kind!’ I still don’t know, was she was referring to my sexuality, or my G.P.A?

“Did you find your own kind?” Travis guffawed.

Matt nodded. “I majored in Finance and worked at a large investment firm for years. Then I ventured out on my own. Matthew James Investments has a solid presence throughout Southern California. I’m looking expand up here.”

He continued. “And yes, I had a long relationship with a man I will treasure forever. But Oregon called kept calling me back, with my mother aging, plus my sisters all have kids. I hope to be part of their lives.”

Travis gave a wistful look. “Remember that time I came over for dinner after practice? You and your sisters were in the kitchen chopping vegetables when I limped in. My ankle was crazy swollen? Blood all over my face?”

“Oh yeah. You were a mess!” Matt laughed. “My mom called your mom, then started the concussion protocol. Oh man, she was so worried!”

Travis picked up his glass but paused. “Your sisters. They cleaned me up, wrapped me in blankets. And you made us our very own meatloaf; didn’t mind that I ate most of it. Then we fell asleep on the couch watching TV.”

He stared down at his wine. “I felt so cared for that evening.”

Then he rubbed his chin. “When I got home my dad slammed me up against the wall and bashed me upside the head. Called me a faggot. Said I was a pussy for getting hurt during practice. What would that do to my rushing yards? All he cared about.”

Matt reached out and graced Travis’s hand. “I’ve never stopped caring about you. Even after you left me in the dust.”

Travis slowly held up his glass. The goofy smile returned to his face. “Here’s to us. Our first date, after all these years.”

They clinked glasses and each took a luxurious sip.

“So. About dinner,” Matthew said nervously. He slid over the menu.

“Small Bites?” Travis asked, as if reading a foreign language. He looked to Matt. “Uh. We have a problem.”

Matt swiped the bottle of Merlot off the table. “I have an idea. Let’s take this and go grab a pizza. Dinner in the park for us.”

Travis’s face brightened. “Now you’re talking.”

They stood up. Travis brushed a strand a hair off Matt’s face. “Hey,” he said. “I want you to know I’m done hiding. I’ll never leave you like that again. Unless you want me to, of course.”

Locking eyes, Travis leaned in and planted his lips on Matt’s. A kiss no longer in secret.

Together they walked hand in hand out of the wine bar.