Running the Gauntlet

It's the same thing every winter. Approaching the earliest days of December, all the way through February, I endure a mental and physical trial. My birthday is January 11th. Maybe 1/11 means something to those who believe in astrology, but to me.. it speaks only to the personal challenge I face every year in the approach to, and recovery from that date.

The mix of fear, dread, emotion, deep depression and eventual rebirth is not something I look forward to each year.

An energy I have no control over forces me to exhaustively investigate and come to terms with every single decision I've made over the course of the previous year. How those decisions have impacted my life and the lives of others in my world. Equal parts regret, cringe, incredulity as I marvel at my own stupidity and the occasional success. Yes, there are usually a few wins and they seem to happen when I've made meaningful connections with people. Being present for thoughtful interaction and experience, or the joy I derive from expressing my artistic, colorful and creative being at heart.

There are lots of words I can come up with to describe this process. In the approach, I'm dealing with a ton of internal stress and pressure. It feels like I'd run the literal gauntlet. Tired from work, all the performatory routine of survival in this modern hellscape. All the meaningless interaction and struggle. I feel like I'm unravelling. Falling apart.

As I've intimated, I don't really believe in all the astrological nonsense. However, I've taken great pains to interview nearly every January Capricorn who has entered my orbit and I've found that many of them share a similar experience of trial and rebirth around the same time.

Far too many for it to be coincidence. At least I know I'm not alone.

This year, it began a bit too early. Lots of physical and mental stress around working an incredibly demanding job. I fell into heavy use of a legal, herbal supplement for several months. I'd come home from work, dose up and lay down in bed feeling a sedative effect wash over me. Not as powerful as opiates, but hits the same 𝜇 receptors. I like how it feels not to feel.

The pain and stress of life were taking a serious toll, but nowhere near as much as the ever increasing doses of this supplement on my kidneys. The lower back pain and assorted self destructive side effects were not worth the ever shortening window of relief. Or.. escape.

Both my partner and I are experiencing the fear and uncertainty of job related changes. I've also been navigating personal change in terms of identity. I'm sure you.. 'know who you are'. That must be nice. I don't.

I'm in a constant process of change and discovery.

Most people are so settled with a definition of identity that family and society have cooked up for them that they don't question it. It's largely unconscious. Not much thought involved. I'm actually a bit envious of those people. Their only hang up is that they think anyone who questions their identity must have some kind of mental illness.

I believe that we are who we choose to be.

Maybe I’m strange, but I started asking myself at a fairly young age.. is this who I want to be? I couldn’t accept being the person the men in my family wanted me to be because it was intentionally hurtful to others. I wasn’t about to dedicate my life to incessant posturing. Tearing others down so that I might feel better about myself.

A few years ago, I came out as nonbinary. The 'out' or external part isn't terribly accurate because I don't always feel safe enough to show up how I feel without fear. I embrace the entire spectrum, both the masculine and feminine. For me, it's a far more rewarding existence.

It’s easy to say that change is the only constant. For many people, it’s really hard to embrace. Well over half my life, I’ve tried to be the person that many expected me to be. I learned that a person's priorities and the things they value will naturally change over the course of their lives.

Expecting that a friend or partner will always be the same person doesn’t turn out well. Especially if you’d want that relationship to stand the test of time. You must not only be prepared for change and expect it, but be a safe space your partner and your friends.

I want to inspire confidence in those I hold dear.. to allow me to hold space for them so they can always share what they’re feeling without fear.

Society and your community may not be ready for it, but we're allowed to change who we are. Change your style, speak your mind, listen to new music and make new friends. We don’t have to maintain an image which may be the only way certain people accept us, fearing they won't like who we are now.

My partner and I came up with a ritual that makes this trial a bit less daunting. There's a retreat center not far from us where we rent a warm cabin in the dead of winter. They have a facility with an indoor pool and a huge hot tub. We invite our friends and spend a few days sharing each other's company, good food, fun and drink. As it turns out, four of us are January Capricorns and use this as a good time to celebrate ourselves.

When it comes right down to it, there is a light at the end of this tunnel and it's not an oncoming locomotive. It's the wisdom I gain from doing a truly unavoidable deep dive into how I've conducted myself. Learning what needs to change and what I have to embrace in order to live my best life.

It takes courage. It takes giving myself grace and patience, finding the resolve and determination to put what I've learned into practice over the coming year. That isn't easy, but it's work worth doing.

The seasons change. The leaves fall to the ground, composting as they sink in the freeze and thaw. Setting the stage for rebirth with a nutrient rich soil where new ideas can take root.

I have another two months to go. I'm sure I'll make it.