Runaway

The surreal nature of my situation hasn't fully hit me until now, sitting here watching my face flash across the screen while holding my daughter as my stomach sinks to the bottom of my feet and my heart starts to race. "She is wanted for kidnapping". As I hear the wanna-be doctor egg man mouth those life-changing five-word phrases on the screen of our nighttime news, I freeze and grip my daughter tighter as she stands up in my lap. I slowly turn left towards my grandfather as the same shock on my face is reflected on his. As cliche as it may sound, time slowed, and my awareness shrunk to just me and the little girl I was gripping softly. The little girl my world evolved around was suddenly on national TV in clear technicolour. Pictures that were privately, or so I thought, on Facebook was flashing in PowerPoint fashion all over the television screen. The fear I was projecting had just caught ahold of my daughter as the one-year-old started to cry. Balancing on my knees, she turned around and put her chubby little arms around my neck and laid her head on my shoulder. As I felt her breath on my neck, my arms tightened around her like I wanted to protect her from what was happening, and I felt the warm tears hit my arms. I lifted my right hand to my face and touched my wet face, and looked at the glistening wet on my fingers, and time sped back up. It was at this moment, I knew my life, as hard as it had been up to this point, had just become even harder, and I was going to lose her.

"Janie, we're over here!" I turned to see Amy motioning to me at the theatre door with the rest of the crew. I smiled, seeing her charismatic gesture filled with the usual energy I could never match. I flattened down my short ruffled skirt and readjusted my white top as I skipped over to her. "What do we want to see today?" I queried as I examined the list of showings blinking above the ticket office. "I'm not sure; let's pick something fun" I shrugged as she grabbed the money I was gripping and rushed over to the ticket office. Brett patted my head as I looked up at him and grinned, "Your boyfriend okay with you being out this late". I grimaced, he was so lovely, but his kind pat just reminded me that I was the youngest one at the workplace. I looked up at him and smiled, trying to let the awkwardness of the moment wash off, "Jayce is fine with it; he's going to pick me up later; let's go in. It looks like Janie has the tickets all sorted." It was here I didn't see the circle of theatre workers near the popcorn machine. Oblivious to what was happening, I lightly skipped with Brett in tow to theatre 6.

"Dude, she's hot, man." Connor grinned at Jude, "I know, man, you want to bet I can grab theatre seven and give it a good clean." Jude grabbed Connor's outstretched hand and gripped it as his eyes sparkled with the proposed challenge. "Sure thing, man, no way a cute girl like that is going to go for you, you don't even know her. I bet you 50 bucks you're not going anywhere near her." Connor just walked away with his hands in his pockets as he said, "Have my money ready by next week." Jude scoffed and turned to the rest of the group, "The guy is a narcissist." If only, dear audience, I had been a fly-on-the-wall during this little interaction as I blissfully skipped by.

It was only a week since I had moved into my sublet with the help of my boyfriend. I loved him, but for some reason, I felt restless. I thought hard about my restlessness as I stepped out of my apartment, turning towards my favourite bubble tea place. As I turned, I felt this substantial soft wall block my way. "Oof, oh, I'm sorry!" A silky sweet laugh filled my ears as I looked up at one of the cutest boys I had ever seen. My face felt hot as I stepped back, trying to breathe the fresh cold air of fall, a sad attempt at trying to recover from my embarrassment. "It's okay, and you're sweet since I'm the one who seemed to have run into you." I looked down at my feet as his piercing green eyes and his gorgeous body I had felt a moment prior turned me on a bit. I looked up in surprise as he said, " Since it's my fault for running into you, let me make it up to you with a coffee?" I stammered as I replied with a shy, "sure". I was supposed to me Jayce down the street, but I didn't want to think about him at the moment; this guy was hot and sweet to boot. Maybe hot chocolate would do me good, moving away from home, feeling obligated to a relationship I no longer wanted, and the stresses of work had piled up in my anxious box and had me jittery. A harmless little coffee date with a stranger may be fun; I thought as we turned towards the closest coffee shop in his eye line. I tried to match his footsteps as we walked down the steep hill towards Starbucks. "Are you from around here?" he asked as I tried to keep pace with his long strides. "Yes, I am, but I recently moved out and first time living on my own so, I'm having fun. Wait, are you not from around here then?" I asked as I finally looked up from my ballet flats to his dimpled cheeks. "No, I'm here for a new job at Kirbee's." I stopped in my tracks, jerking back in surprise, "I work there! When did you get the job?" Seemingly surprised himself, he stepped towards me, " I was offered a job in sales only last week and decided to make the move, it's nice to randomly meet a future colleague by bumping into them in the street!" he laughed as we continued to stroll towards Starbucks.

The day seemed to just slip away as we laughed and exchanged stories. It had been two hours by the time I realised that it was getting late. I looked out the window and saw Jayce holding his longboard, looking around for me, and I blushed. I didn't want him to catch me with some stranger I was feeling oddly connected and attracted to. I ducked my head slightly as I saw him look into Starbucks and touched my hair to block my face slightly. I didn't want my handsome stranger to see my obvious discomfort. I was startled out of my situation when I felt him touch my hand and ask if I was okay. "Oh, I'm fine", as I strained a smile and looked towards the front window. Jayce wasn't there anymore, and I felt a buzz in my pocket. "Hang on one moment", I said as I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and saw Jayce's name flash on the caller id. Flipping it open, I quietly pushed my chair out and walked to the door while silently apologising to Connor with my eyes as I stepped away. "Hey Jayce, I'm so sorry I meant to call you earlier, but I got caught up at work." I heard the disappointment in his voice when he said, "Oh, I thought we were meeting at bubbles. We had it planned. It's fine. I'll meet you at home later." As I hung up, I felt guilty but weirdly relieved that I hadn't been caught. Is this cheating? My thoughts were littered with guilt particles as I slowly walked back to our table and sat down. "Sorry about that, it was my boyfriend; I should have told you earlier that I was meeting up with him. But, I was having fun." I sheepishly looked down and fiddled with the loose thread on my hoodie. "Hahahahaha, I thought you might have been taken. Someone as cute as you would, of course, have a boyfriend. Damn." I looked up, surprised but laughed at his obviousness. "I don't want this to end though, let's go for a walk. I just broke up with my crazy ex myself, and it's nice to be unattached for once." I grinned as I accepted his offer. I didn't want this night to be over either. He held out his hand to help me up, and as my hand found its way into his, I felt his fingers weave through mine. I looked up at his handsome face and felt myself glow at his touch. There was definitely a spark with a hint of sexual tension that I had never felt before. I know I had just met him, but I felt like I had known him for ages. I cradled his hand and swung his arm a bit as we weaved our way through the crowd heading outside. Little did I know, this would be the beginning of a nightmare I wouldn't be able to escape for years.

"Oh, dude, Connor, you scared the shit out of me, man." This guy really got on my nerves; the short fuck was one cocky son of a bitch. "What do you want man, we got theatre 4 to clean in a bit." He grinned and held out his hand palm up, "You owe me fifty bucks...dude." I looked down at his sweaty palm and cocky grin framed by the dimples all his co-workers seemed to adore, "Why do I owe you fifty dollars?" Smugly, he pulled back his hand and put them in his pockets and leaned back on his heels while clicking his teeth, " I got that theatre 7, fucked her last night." I stared at him in disbelief as he pulled out his phone and showed me the picture of a brunette sprawled out on the bed. "Dude! You didn't need visual proof, shit! Yeah, I'll get your damn money." Walking away, I looked back, and I just wanted to punch the damn bastard in the face. He fucked this girl even after the scene his girlfriend caused yesterday. Whatever, not my problem.

Readers, this was a scene I wish I had seen as well. It turns out he had researched me like a paparazzi stalker and managed to infiltrate my life slowly. Over the next few months, he courted his girlfriend and me. Where I thought I was engaging in a beautiful blossoming relationship that replaced the previous relationship I had had with my high school boyfriend, I was, in fact, in a mistress situation. Unfortunately, I was a mistress. I thought, naively, I had moved on to something better. I had no idea that behind the cute dates and the great sex, I was a theatre seven and a hell of a great bet. I was a bet that was worth only fifty dollars, and I was a bet he won.

I would find out years later that theatre seven was code for a hot girl among the cinema employees because theatre seven didn't even exist. Within two months, I had moved out of my sublet (since my hook-up had been Jayce), broken up with my boyfriend in a very messy split and started a new relationship because I slept with him on our first date. The sex was amazing, and his appetite for it seemed to match mine, a thirst I didn't know I had. We didn't use condoms, but that didn't worry me because he pulled out, you see. I was a grown woman now, and I was having adult sex living on my own while working my own 9-5. I felt good, and I felt like I was winning against the world. I thought this until I felt dizzy and leaned against the nearest wall. I was walking to get myself some popcorn chicken when I felt my stomach lurch, and myself retch as someone with a cigarette walked by. I had to get home, I thought as I turned back towards my apartment. As I retched throughout the night, I knew something was wrong, and I had to tell Shay what was happening to me, because frankly, I was scared. Time seemed to skip as I sat in her living room with a positive pregnancy test on my lap. I looked at her with tears in my eyes, "Is this real?" I could see the pity in her eyes as she gently enfolded my hands and softly replied, "yes",.

"So, you're six months pregnant?" Connor's dad asked me as he gazed at me through the rearview mirror. Blushing, I looked down at my grey sweatpants and mumbled yes as I felt my cheeks heat from the embarrassment of how I looked. After being forced to wait 2 hours on the side of the road in the cold rain, his dad had pulled up to take us out to lunch. Since I found out I was pregnant, life was as grey as the loose sweatpants I was wearing. Connor had become distant and cold; his car had broken down, my car was not mine but my parents and had been confiscated a long time ago, and as sick as I had felt, I was forced to quit work. All these factors meant we were broke and had no transport. I had five dollars to my name that was carefully sheltered in my left pocket. As I shivered from misery in the middle of the backseat, I felt a soft hand pat my knee. Looking up, I saw the warm dimpled smile of his mother and felt, for the first time in three months, safe. The past few months had violently ripped me from my innocence and catapulted me into adulthood, my life had changed, and I was a little girl in a grown woman's situation as I was forced to come of age. For the past two months, Connor had gone off on a sales job and left me in the apartment with no rent money and 200 dollars for food that had quickly run out with my need for vitamins, bigger clothes and adequate food. He had only returned the day before, and I hadn't eaten for almost two weeks because I had run out of money a month ago. He hadn't paid for utilities for the apartment, so in addition to starving, I also had no warmth in the middle of December or other basic amenities, like water. If it hadn't been for my friend Dani, taking me to appointments and housing me when it was too cold, I don't think I would have survived the last month. When he came back, he came back drunk and angry. He had made money but quickly spent it at the bar and on random women. He had even pawned the Rolex, a reward for being the best salesman for the month. That one soft touch of warmth brought tears to my eyes as I quietly tried to dash them away so he wouldn't see my weakness. I didn't have to worry about that, though. He was glowering out the window with his arms folded, leaning as far away from me as he could. What I didn't see then was that the smile didn't reach her eyes.

"I don't want the responsibility, mom." I looked angrily at her as I sat in the waiting room. She had forced me to come, and I refused to sit in the labour room that bitches mom. She was a great fuck, but I had to pay for her, not knowing what birth control was. Now, I was stuck with this fucking shit. "She's back with her parents, I don't want to be here, and I don't need a daughter." With a sharp slap, I jerked back in surprise. "Connor Matthews, you are grabbing that birth certificate packet and putting your damn name on it. I want that girl, and I don't care about her. I will take care of her, and you don't need to be involved. I am so sick of having to deal with you going to jail all the time and leaving the poor girl behind. At least be nice to her until we can keep that baby permanently." As I turned away, folding my arms, I knew she wouldn't let me off the hook, and I had to marry this girl. I don't even know why I asked her that day. I was surprised she even accepted a proposal over the phone while I was in jail. Jail makes you think, think that you want something you don't because you have no freedom on the inside. Actually, that's not even it; I felt badass cause my cellmates thought pregnant women were hot as fuck and great shags. On top of that, I got free shit cause I was going to be a dad. She had her advantages, plus being in jail got me out of that damn baby shower. I chuckled lightly, remembering my mom telling me she made a fool of herself telling everyone I was away from work.

I know readers, this may sound weird, me adding in his perspective. Funny enough, however, this is something he actually told me he thought later on during a rough sex session. By this time, sex was torture for me, and I hated it, but it was also the only time he was ever nice to me. As much as I hated it, I craved it. At this point, my daughter was three months old, and I reeked of weakness and was depleted of self-worth. I had been beaten down by my future mother in laws pettiness, condescension and my fiancees cold and shitty treatment. His physical and mental abuse was just a nice extra. Crying had become my constant companion and friend, and my misery was made worse but being evicted out of one apartment and Connor racking up debt in my name and quickly ruining my credit. Things would only come to a head when he falsely accused me of a suicide attempt and committing me to a mental hospital while my parents were away in Utah. By this point, I had been cut off from my friends, family and anyone that I could trust. I was alone, close to being a single parent and surrounded by people wanting me out of the picture.

"Are you okay?" My dad whispered as I held tightly onto him, breathing in his sweet cologne while he enveloped me in a soft, gentle hug. "I tried to get her sooner, and I'm so sorry. Let's go get Peyton." I nodded as I leaned into him, finally allowing myself to be a child again. For seven days, I had been trying to tell them I hadn't tried to kill myself, had not taken any pills that would harm me, and I needed to get back to my daughter. It wasn't until dad requested my release that they looked at the emergency room drug report when I was forcefully detained just for it to show my blood only contained traces of Tylenol and an Adderall that Connor had snuck into my drink. I held tightly onto his hand as I walked through the security gate and tried to hold in the tears of relief as I stepped into a brightly lit hallway. I was just excited to get back to my daughter, and I knew I had to hurry. Connor had visited me only once, and he had brought paperwork for me to sign so he could take full custody of Peyton. I knew it was a scheme to take her away from me, and I refused to sign it. Dad slowed to a stop and parked, looking at me with worried eyes, "You ready?" I nodded and opened the door, and stepped softly onto the sidewalk. I was nervous as I walked up the steps and turned the corner towards the apartment. I was shocked to see the door open. I rushed towards it, no longer nervous but worried. As I entered the living area, I was greeted first with the smell of weed, and then I saw the crack pipes, the bongs and beer bottles littered everywhere. In my disbelief, I followed the rolling fall of an empty beer bottle off of the coffee table. As it landed, I saw a moving white cloth underneath the coffee table ladened with drug paraphernalia and what looked like a weeks supply of beer to see that white moving sheet actually contained my daughter. I snatched her out from underneath the table and cradled her to my chest, crying. I heard the bedroom door open as Connor staggered into the living room. He looked up at me, surprised as he leaned against the doorway. His surprise quickly turned to anger. Looking into those eyes, I knew if I didn't turn around and run for it, I would pay for my hesitation dearly. I felt my feet turn and lead me away from the open doorway. It was like I had no control over my body; some instinct of preservation and protection had taken over me. I ran out of the doorway with him hot on my heels as my dad took the last step up the stairs and was poised on the landing. I rushed towards him as he rushed past me in an attempt to stop Connor. But, as he went to defend me, Connor slipped underneath him, and in the corner of my eye, I saw him rush for me, and at that moment, I felt him push. I realised then, as I tried to turn and cradled my daughter to my chest, that he wanted me dead.

"I agree", I quietly said as I sat alone with Peyton opposite the long table filled with Connor and his family. I felt their stares as I agreed to the ridiculous joint custody agreement I knew he was proposing just to make me miserable. I had never been in a courtroom before, and I was out of my depth. All I could do was agree and get out of there as fast as I could. The week before, I had gone back to the apartment to grab some things when he had choked me and pushed me against the wall. I didn't want to be in the same room with him, and after foolishly letting him see his daughter, my PPO was no longer valid, and I had no legal support to stand on. He still had my passport and my things. He had convinced the police that I was trespassing in my own apartment. I had had to call the police after he snatched Peyton from the hallway and locked me out, kidnapping her. Because Dani was with me and kept a cool head, she was able to call the police, and I was able to get my daughter back. If only I hadn't lingered, I wouldn't have the purple strangle marks around my neck now. Little did I know at that point, I would have to go through five more of these humiliating meetings, more stalking behaviour from his ex turned current girlfriend and constant threatening behaviour that would consume my world for the next few months.

"blub blub blub", my daughter cooed as I gazed at her lovingly. "Good morning, beautiful", I whispered while I kissed her forehead. It had been a bit cold that night in the pool house, so I made sure her feet and hands were warm. It was just last week I saw a strange car sitting at the top of our driveway. I was nervous, but I knew I had to get up before mom came out to check on the state of the pool house. Having no toilet in the pool house was an inconvenient situation, but I knew she didn't like the reminder of my mistake in Peyton when staying in the main house. I sighed, thinking back on the memory of her telling me I had to get out of the house because I was lazy. "I was just tired, Pey", I murmured as I looked at her smiling little face. I better get you, and I ready to leave. Connor had disappeared for a few months, so we had some peace, turns out he had left the state, but when he came back, my life was hell again. He had beat me up, made promises to be nice and be there for Pey, sued for a new custody arrangement, given Pey a head injury while she was there for the weekend and made every drop-off and pick up so bad that I had to have two witnesses with me at each randomly located exchange. His mother had even come over to the house. " The compound, ha", I chuckled as I shuffled around the kitchen, making Pey her breakfast. She had called my parents house the compound after spitting in my mothers face, mad that I had temporary sole custody. "Mum and dad are going for a wedding Pey, so we can't stay here alone; it's too dangerous. We're going on a trip back to New Zealand!" I smiled as her little feet kicked excitedly in the air, "blub blub bluuuuub", she cooed as I went to pick her up and give her a cuddle. "Dani is going to take us to the airport! Don't worry. You'll see grandma and grandpa again; we're only going over for a week."

"We lost the case. We didn't get the Hague convention application approved. Unfortunately, what evidence we have is not sufficient enough to fulfil the requirements. I am surprised, though. Usually, these applications take years to get through. We've been ordered to give her back in October." I stammered, "Wha....What? But I'm her mother, I...". My lawyer looked at me kindly, but I knew those eyes said more than sorry. I knew I had lost.

Tears poured down my face as I changed Pey's diaper for the last time in the corner of the childcare centre's bathroom. Today was exchange day, "I love you, Pey". Pey reached up to my face and wiped my tears. Tilting her head, she said, "bluuub?" I laughed quietly through the river of tears and smiled wide, "I love you, and I will fight for you, don't forget me." There was a knock on the door and a quiet voice, my aunt, "It's time hun." I replied, "Okay, ill be right out." I wiped my tears and picked up her things. Holding her hand, we walked out to the foyer trapped by the long glass separating us from the back offices and the front door. Handing her bag to the social worker, I picked Pey up for the last time, gave her a cuddle as she tried to squirm towards the toy she was playing with moments before. I slowly lowered her into her pram and strapped her in. I leaned back and stood up slowly. Turning around to the social worker, the tears started to flow again, "Um...everything she needs is all in there and ummm my contact information if she needs anything." "I will let him know, he will be coming to pick her up in an hour, in the meantime, I will take her with me." She reached for Pey's stroller, and I slowly pulled it towards her. I couldn't see anyone as I gasped for breath, trying not to wail. Quickly wiping my tears, I managed to breathe out, "Bye."

"Chop it off, please." I requested as the hairdresser pumped my chair up to her eye level. "Waaaah" was the sound that haunted my thoughts every second of the day since I said goodbye. The image of her screaming and holding onto the glass as the social worker tried to take her away has been etched in my mind. Seeing the silhouette of her screaming and crying figure through the frosted glass as I kneeled on the floor defeated will always cause me deep pain and anguish. "Please stay still", quietly reprimanded the hairstylist as I shook my head, trying to clear the memory. "Sorry", I smiled weakly at her and attempted to sit still. I tried so hard and was so exhausted I must have dozed off. I felt a slight nudge and jerked awake, "You're all set". I smiled and looked at my new chopped off hairdo and thought how tired I looked. "You have beautiful hair, are you okay?" I chuckled, covering my mouth out of embarrassment, "I've been through a bit the last few months, and I don't think I realised how tired I was from it. But, it taught me to love, forgive and appreciate what I do have and what I had." She smiled at me through the mirror, "You're a bit of an old soul in a young body, if I didn't know any better I would have thought you were in high school!" Laughing, I thanked her for her kind words and joked she wanted a bigger tip as she joined in the laughter with me. I slipped down from the chair and plodded after her towards the EFTPOS machine. We chatted a little bit more as I paid for her service. As I opened the door to leave, the bell on the door dinged, and I looked up from my feet. I felt lighter, tired but lighter. Today, it was nice and sunny, a brightness that turned the memory a little bit hazier than it was a minute ago. I turned to thank her once again for the lovely bob she had given me, and with a small smile on my lips, I stepped out into the bright warm light.