Rules for a Healthy Relationship

Rules for a Healthy Relationship

By: The ADHD Accountant – Krid

I would like to preface this by stating that I have nothing beyond anecdotes and tales apocryphal to support any of this; I am merely a man who has had many bad relationships and few good ones. I’d like to say that I have learned a lot, but can only say that I have learned a little. I am not a counselor or a trained social scientist.

Now to the rules; good news! There are only three. Three simple rules; and like many simple things the complexity lays in the application. E=mc2 is simple. Gravity is simple. The Newtonian Rules of Physics are simple. But to understand, to employ? That can be extremely challenging.

Rule 1: Protect yourself.

Rule 2: Be honest.

Rule 3: Be respectful.

…simple, right?

Let’s get into some of the complexities then, because even if you don’t agree with me you probably agree that these rules seem simple. Perhaps too simple to manage relationships; relationships which are often complicated and messy - did I mention complicated? I’ve been with my partner for seven years now and my facebook status is stuck on “it’s complicated.” I don’t see that changing anytime soon; relationships are complicated.

This is for all kinds of relationships and is more about the responsibilities to yourself, your actions, and your choices than it is about protecting others. It is not all encompassing and universally to all questions and problems. I merely feel that many things in relationships can be navigated by first analyzing these few rules. I will discuss the rules then provide and analysis example at the end.

RULE 1

Protect yourself. This seems easy right off the bat; don’t get into a relationship with someone who will hurt you. BAM! We’ve got that figured out, or do we? First of all the how of protecting yourself isn’t something that I will cover other than you need to advocate for yourself. But the kinds of things you are in danger of are significantly more complex than it appears at first glance.

Physically seems obvious (and you kinky people should already know about keeping the spirit over the letter of the law in this case), but what about financially? Psychologically? Socially? Professionally? I’m sure I’m missing many “-ally’s” – you get the point though, I’m sure.

Being in a relationship brings a lot of risks with it. It is up to you to recognize them and protect yourself and it is for this reason that many find that those who abusing their power over others (parents, teachers, priests) to be so abhorrent – those people are supposed to protect us when we cannot protect ourselves. They are the examples that we look to develop our securities and protections, how we live to keep ourselves safe. The deeper the relationship, the deeper the risk. Ultimately you’re responsible for your own safety as an adult, and in as much as you can as you muture

RULE 2

Be honest. Another thing most of us have heard our whole lives. Do not lie, even by omission. I like to think of it more like do not tell untruths. Which is tricky. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Does that sound familiar? It also seems simple – can you define what the whole truth is? I can’t. I don’t know where to stop. Today is Monday, March 8, 2021, I am in a restaurant called Eggs Oasis in the North side centre booth row, second from the outside wall and am facing the kitchen. I am working on my HP X2 Elite 1012 G2 laptop with the i7 processor option. I am wearing slip on casual dress shoes in black…. Are you starting to see that the “whole truth” is rather encompassing? It is one of my issues with being honest versus not telling untruths.

The biggest thing for this in a relationship for me though is that we shouldn’t “ignore” the things that bother us and ignore the concerns and questions of our peers. That’s right, you have to be honest with them and yourself!

Rule 1 is rule 1 for a reason, it is the most important. Not telling untruths does not mean that you, or I, need to give full details to a question. There is in fact no need to even answer the question to my mind, especially if it could put you in danger. What is your greatest fear? What is your phone number? What is your bank account number?

By not telling untruths you can still protect yourself, it just requires you to not IGNORE the question. A healthy relationship, in my opinion, does not include ignoring the other person. I can answer in many ways to show that I have heard, and understood, and choose not to answer it at this time. I’m not comfortable sharing my phone number, at the moment. My greatest fear? I don’t even want to think about it. My bank account number? I have several; but I don’t think you need any of them right now.

RULE 3

Be respectful; please and thank you. Be punctual. Don’t belittle their opinions. All done. Really; it’s just that simple. While I wouldn’t say that you have a duty to protect your peers and to keep them honest, I do feel that you have to respect their perspectives and choices as they attempt to be honest and protect themselves as their own person.

My partner and I have discussed things for hours, and days on end, to flesh out our understanding and ideas (and yes, to try to eprsuade). This is one of the best benefits of being in a healthy relationship – you can do this and make it engaging for everyone! This isn’t about telling them what you think, or why they are wrong; that is NOT respectful. Not giving them the physical space or your time to articulate their perspective is NOT respectful. Your rights end at the end of your nose; as do theirs. Everything else is negotiated.

I think you can see now why I think the rules are simple, but not easy. The following is a true-ish example of something that I have been a party to. I hope it can assist in articulating my thoughts on this matter. Nothing too contentious. Promise. (fingers crossed – everything is probably contentious to someone)

An acquaintance of mine invited me over to dinner. It was a favorite of mine (I have many favorites) but I was tired and didn’t really want to socialize with them, with anyone anymore. My fellow introverts may understand the feeling. I said I had some prior plans already, stopped at McDonald’s on the way home and played video games.

Let’s evaluate. I was in line with rule 1 as I felt like I needed some personal time and took steps to get it. Rule 2 was clearly broken; one could argue that I had wanted to play video games by myself all day but the statement was clearly intended to be misleading. It was an untruth. How can I tell? If my acquaintance had ‘caught’ me playing games (a lot easier with systems like Ubi and Epic) I would not have been able to clearly state when and where and with whom the plans had been made. Rule 3 is tricky – by default one can say that by misleading, by lying, to another person you are not respecting them and are affecting their ability to interpret the world around them. In this case I will ignore that, call it covered under rule 2, and move on. Was I respectful? I wasn’t rude. I didn’t mislead them into expecting to spend a longer amount of time together, I would say that by that basis I did in fact respect them by the definition I am using for this essay.

Did it harm anybody? Probably not. White lies, they are called. Crafted to protect others. And this is where I have the larger problem; it isn’t my job to protect (most) other people, my peers, from harm. And, by giving in, by making it easier for myself, breaking rule 2 took me away from the person that I want to be. Who I think is the best representation of myself in the world and to my peers.

Writing this it occurs to me that it isn’t that easy to explain. I hope I did a good enough job. I wrote this mostly for myself, it’s true; but I hope maybe it can help someone else too. I wish I’d understood this much, much earlier in my life.

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