Road Rage

I was just minding my own business that day. It really wasn’t my fault. I’ve told everyone I wasn’t to blame. Let me tell you what happened, get it all out there, on record. I mean, clearly you-coppers aren’t going to believe me, but I’m telling you straight up this is what went down.

So, me and the boys were just cruising the streets. Straight up tearing it up, it was legendary. Had the tunes in full swing, windows down, jamming. We had the full munches earlier and went full McDonalds. I got the twenty-nugget pack man, no messing around here. We had passed Main Street on our way to George Street, right? You know the side route, it allowed us to skip around Trenton, and you don’t want to get getting anywhere near that road in the middle of the day. That traffic just isn’t worth it right. So, we were sliding up on George Street, ya know.

The traffic was backing up, so we got a little impatient man. I mean we were laughing and not concentrating too hard or anything. Like we were having a good time stuck in traffic you know. It wasn’t that big of a deal; it was just like this minor thing. We were chuckling and joking around, and the light turned green, yo. No big deal right, none of the cars were moving anyway the next light up, so we just kind of chilled, not a thing. Plus, we were deep into some serious Tupac man. Changes was playing, and you just mess around with that. We had this whole philosophical conversation going about we needed to revolutionize society. Deep shit bro, we totally were solving global issues. You don’t mess with Tupac man, sacred ground.

So anyway, the light turns green again. Like this car was just sitting there for two lights man. Like what are you supposed to do, ya-know? I mean seriously man, ya- feel me here? Dude, I’m not seeing it in your eye’s bro, like you’re not feeling it. The car sat for two lights man. Like for real. What was I supposed to do man? So, I did what any normal person would do in this situation man. I mean honestly, it was a perfectly natural response yo. So, I gave the very courteous double-tap of the horn.

Perfectly natural response, right? Courtesy tap. Okay, okay, I see you guys aren’t buying this by your blank faces. I’ll come clean. I might have laid into the horn a little bit, but it wasn’t excessive I swear okay. I mean, and I didn’t do it for the entire first light change guys, like I let the whole first incident go through, ya know. I just tapped on it a bit on the second round, yeh?

Slightly more than tapped, but you get the idea. I’m telling you; it wasn’t excessive, two-three seconds tops. I mean, well, umm… some of my boys might have yelled out the windows some deep serious obscenities. There might have been some gestures, but it was simple stuff, again, nothing excessive. It was just a couple choice words, pretty relaxed really. Something about playing with goats or something, I don’t remember. I mean, might have been intimate playing, but given the circumstances, all in alignment with the natural course of the events. Two lights guys, we waited two whole lights, ya feel me. Like shit was ridiculous.

So, a minor horn honk, maybe some colorful commentary. Nothing to get all bent out of shape about, right? But, dude, I swear, this dude… he spun around from the passenger front seat. Looked right at us man. His eyes were like laser beams of death man. I’m not even joking, he looked like the grim reaper bro. You could just, you know that feeling, the bottom of the stomach feeling, where you know that something went terribly wrong, like you screwed up in a way that you didn’t even think was possible? Like it was that bro. You know, like you were sleeping with a girl and the girl you really wanted to marry like walked in the middle of it, and your entire world crashes down. Yeh bro, like that… straight up.

So, this dude man, he’s staring bloody death at us. So that’s scary as hell right. Just there, just staring at us. We didn’t know what was going down, like righteous fear man. But that’s where it all goes wrong right. I mean we didn’t do anything, were just waiting for them to pull on, like this is over right, just drive. But they weren’t going again right, like the light was green, and they still just sitting there. And this dude staring daggers at us. Creepy as hell bro.

We sure as hell wasn’t about to honk again, so were just sitting there right. It all goes wrong man, like this shit was totally unwarranted man. This dude pops the door open man. Like whatcha supposed to do here, like we stuck in traffic, we can’t back up. We really can’t drive anywhere else. This guy’s out of the car now, and he’s squaring up man. He’s all white and pissed off. Like the hairiest dude you’ve ever seen man. No joke, this guy has hair everywhere, there wasn’t an inch of him that wasn’t covered hair. Although, I will tell you, and this is just a side note, but that hair looked ultra-soft. I’m not gonna lie, like it looked downright fluffy. Which was also kind of creepy, ya-know?

Fluffy hair dude wasn’t playing though, he squared up and came right to the passenger side door man. We all still in complete shock, totally unprepared for this. The dude was pissed, ya feel me. He did this crazy like double jiujitsu back kick thing and just straight up took Tommy out yo. Like we only like ten seconds into this thing and Tommy is out cold bleeding all over the car, he didn’t even get a chance to get out of the car man. This guy was a beast man. Like blood all over my car man, Tommy’s forehead just bleeding like a fountain. Shit was real.

The dude wasn’t done either man, like he popped the back door and ripped Jesse out of the car and started stomping him man. It was like a fury. The dude came down like a tornado man. I’ve barely had time to reach over to Tommy, bleeding all over the place, trying to use a McDonalds napkin. Which I’ll tell you, that doesn’t work worth a damn. Flipping joke that was. Dude, and Jesse getting stomped on like a piñata. Like I’m not even joking guys, it was like the dude had four feet man. And he was definitely wearing cleats. Jesse screaming… that will haunt you. I still hear those screams.

At this point I know he isn’t stopping right. Davy is the next guy if he cuts around the back of the car, otherwise he’s coming for me if he swings around in front. So, there’s no time to think right. I have to get out of the car, I mean what choice do I have. I mean, shit has just got real, ya feel me?

Apparently, Davy and I had the same thought because we both out of the car now. We saw how this guy could kick and swing his whole body, so we aren’t playing. We position the doors open between us and use them as a natural barrier. But he’s coming around the car, so it’s game time man. I mean, we don’t even know if Jesse is alive at this point. He’s gone quiet. And you guys just didn’t see it man, the Grim Reaper is in a half trot, and he can move. He’s now just covered in blood, we thought for sure he had killed Jesse man, I mean this guy is splattered head to toe. It’s straight barbaric.

He’s trotting around the car, and just comes in like a hurricane. Davy takes a full kick right in the gut and is half doubled over in half a second. Like this isn’t even a fight guys, it’s a slaughter. You boys gotta understand, this was life and death here. I’m not feeling any energy from you guys here. You have to feel the fear, you just won’t understand this if you can’t feel it. We were getting taken out, this shit was real.

Man, I was so scared, I didn’t even know what to do, so I jump on this guy’s back yo. That sends him into a manic rage. I mean you think you saw him mad before, but that wasn’t nothing man. Like he’s bucking, he lets out this blood curdling scream. You would have thought I insulted his mother or something, like I called her an animal or something. He went truly insane. I’m holding on for my literal life. You hear me? My. Literal. Life.

It turns out that Davy wasn’t entirely put out of the fight, he is fully standing again and, just like out of nowhere, like, goes for a solid hit right. Full body swing at this guy. And of course, I’m petrified on the dude’s back, and the dude is just like all over the place, slamming into the car… like full pitching me into the car to get me off, bouncing in circles. It’s like a circus, shit is out of control.

Davy takes the swing, right. And this piece of shit dude, man, it’s unbelievable. He headbutts him. Davy’s out cold, like flat down, he’s seeing twenty kinds of stars man. I thought he honestly split his skull man. Like he went down half flying backwards, getting flung through the air, dude headbutted him like a tank man. Davy’s sprawling out cold like five feet away. What kind of dude sends a guy flying ten feet?

And just like that bro, like everyone’s out of the game except me, and I’m still not sure if these guys aren’t killed man. Like Davy sure has hell doesn’t look like he’s ever getting up again. And this dude is still going crazy and I’m on his back, like no idea what’s going down. I’m telling you; you can’t make these stories up, it was madness.

Then he does this karate harikari shit. I can’t even describe it. Like I’m on this dude’s back, clinging on for dear life, and he does this like full on back-flip, and pitches me right into the ground with him coming down on top of me. I got the air entirely knocked out of me, kind of gasping for air and not getting any wind at all. Just there, kind of fully stunned, croaking. And then it happened right. Like at this point it was no surprise, but the dude stomped me. Dude kind of straight up jumped on my stomach. I’m already out of breath and that just put it over the top. Ya feel me? I really think he’s going to kill me, I thought it was all over. I’m on the edge of consciousness at this point. Out of air, completely out of hope, beat to a pulp from being thrashed repeatedly into the car. Like I’m just a total wreck, blood flowing everywhere. It’s just, you know, I said it before, it’s just a straight slaughter.

But then he finished it, not that I was much left at that point. But he does like a double knee face plant right in my head man. I mean I just remember seeing his knees coming in, guys, and that was it, lights out. I woke up two days later here guys, in the hospital.

I’m telling you cops, you better catch that guy, he’s a hateful and spiteful animal. Complete disregard for humanity.