Return to Sender

I've been waiting on this package to arive for some time now. I got this new guitar and when you strum it, the strings linger forever and ever. It reverberates through my entire existance as i cradle this peice of fine craftsmanship from Japan. The thing is... I can't tune a guitar to save my life. I know the open 'E' string progression but I can't down tune it or even up tune it for that matter for it to synch with my voice. orkers are due to the current pandemic. So I'll just sit and wait.

I googled a couple of songs and found an online tuning machine. And now I'm learning stuff. I can't even begin to tell you house special it means to me when I learn new music. I've got 'If It Means A Lot To You' by A Day TO Remember, off my heart now. And above all my sister sings the parts where the girl on the record sings. At first I thought it was a little odd, however, music is music. And her husband loves hearing her sing.

So I bought a Capo off ebay. I'ts a little over due now; they said it would take a week but its been two. I'm not angry and I dont blame them because I know what pressure essentially all the workers are under.

I got my Capo. Oh my glob... Not only does it smell so new and good good, it fits the neck of my guitar like they were made for eachother. I checked the mail and there was stuff in there for my girlfriend but there also was this un marked box. It was wrapped in brown paper and sealed with brown duct tape. Whoever wrapped it clearly has no idea how to make a package look presentable. It had no Name or Address which I thought was pretty odd.

I went accross the road to see Bill. He and his wife Sharon are in charge of the Neighbourhood Watch committe. Lovely people, retired, just enjoying their days gardening. The often bring me over some fresh tomatoes. I don't know what they put in the soil but they always are so sweet and juicy you would be able to munch on them like an Apple.

Bill said he noticed a bloke on Motor bike stopped in my driveway for a bit. He didnt think anything of it. They mail man apparenlty did his daily routine. So judging by Bill everything seemd above board. It's this Motor Bike guy I'm worried about now. I dont know anyone that owns a motorbike and neither does my wife.

So here I am, home alone, starting at this package on the cofee table in the loungeroom. I pick it up and smell it. Smells like that exotic paper you used to get in Art class in highscool. I shook the box and a few seconds later I heard heard it tick. This does not sound good...

I ripped up all the brown paper and opened the box to find a not and a giant dildo looking thing. I picked upi the dildo and petrol spewed from the bottome of it. With my fuel smelling hands I opened up the letter and read it in dismay. "This is what you get for cheating on me mother fucker!" As the ticks slowed down, the apparatus ignighted and before I could gasp for air everything exploded on my face.

Before bill could rush over and save me the house was a giant inferno. If you ever encounter an unnammed paper bag in the mail, open it outside...