Reminder Of Reality

It was both long ago and recently when the curtains of destiny fell on me near dusk. Much conventional wisdom would say that a year or two is a lot, but I’ve also heard at least one anecdote of that same amount not seeming very long. No matter, though.

There’s this one scene in A Midsummer Night’s Dream where the story’s four main love triangle participants wake up from a brawl thinking that it was all a dream. In reality, they were merely drugged with a potion to believe so by the very same person who led to said fight. That’s what I feel from time to time.

Sometimes, a part of me wonders whether that cold weather hell was real or not. I mean, cognitively I know it was. My memory might be fuzzy regarding some events during those few days, but it isn’t completely blocked out. Objectively, whatever I remember did happen even if I can’t recall all of it — right?

Yet…it also feels strangely unreal that any of whatever happened, happened. The five seconds of skirmishing notability. The wild rollercoaster of emotions and thrill through shallows and depths. All the lies that were told, secrets kept and unkept, and truths that hid in various places.

I’m going to be blunt, it’s not like I expected everything back then to be smooth sailing from the start. But the unbridled chaos that ensued was as far from my expectations as it could get.

In many ways, I was hardly a textbook victim — let alone participant. I spent several of my days around other crowds, be it for fun or trying to build connections. I didn’t really have many friends in the fair-weather area that I enjoyed before things became the objects of solemn nightmares there. My fated ending was in limbo as well — not quite final, but with little hope on the horizon.

It’s not like I didn’t try to test for proof, though. I gathered evidence from old belongings and screamed from the rooftops contemplating that maybe, I’d somehow wake up from all of it.

Obviously…I did not. I was no further in or out of the in-between realm I got stuck in much earlier, but I sure as hell was reminded of the fact that my strange trove of offbeat memories did come from someplace real. My organs were still intact. My breathing was still there. More importantly, though, time did flow steadily — if uncomfortably — from one moment to the next.

It wasn’t long before I realized that as much as I wish my stacks of demons were the creations of a mere dream, they weren’t. Even though I don’t remember all of it, even though I haven’t seen everything, the main events of those odd happenings did occur. Like it or not, I just have to accept them.

Perhaps, one day, I’ll go through something else peculiar. Maybe I’ll end up blocking out enough seemingly minor details that when the centerpieces finish, I will start to wonder whether I dreamed it all up again. Of course, it won’t take long before I snap back into reality once more.

But hopefully, that doesn’t happen. Hopefully I will be able to live life without constantly being on the verge of questioning whether something did or didn’t take place just because it seems like the product of madness.

Dreams, whether fantastical or realistic, are often nice, and I certainly don’t want them completely gone. However, I’d love to keep my place in the real world as well — flawed as it is.

Any other thoughts on this? Let me know in the comments!

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