Relationship tips from a Total Stranger

Have you ever stayed up all night and ugly cried over a relationship that went bad? Maybe you got into a really bad fight with your significant other and just felt like the only way you could keep yourself from literally falling apart was by taking your hands and wrapping them around yourself as if you are physically holding yourself together? That feeling in your chest like you can't breathe. The lump in the back of your throat that is so big you feel like you can't even swallow...

Any of these feelings resonate with you? Some people think that their past defines them as a person. Like every bad choice they may have made is a dark mark that stays with them forever reminding them of their moment of weakness. I don't believe in regrets. Your past does define you, but it doesn't have to own you. Your past is part of who you are as a person today. Mistakes help people grow and change, usually for the better.

I would be lying if I said there weren't parts of my life that I wish I could go back and redo, who wouldn't? At the same time, those things have created the woman I am today. Life wouldn't be worth much if you had a "Get out of Jail Free card" for every mistake you made. No one would learn anything. There would be absolutely no growth. You need ups and downs. Sometimes the downs will be really bad... but that's what makes the ups so much more meaningful!

I wouldn't be the same person I am today if I hadn't had my past experiences. I would still care way too much about what other people thought about me. I would still put everybody else's feelings above my own and push mine constantly to the side. I would still be way too trusting of the wrong people. I have learned so many important lessons in my life and these days, I keep my circle small. I can count my friends on one hand and I like it that way.

If you're expecting this to be some life altering epic self help article that will somehow make your life perfect, I'm afraid you may be in the wrong place. However, if you're here for some hopefully helpful advice, or a little pick me up after a bad break up or a fight, then I hope this comforts you in some way. I'm not saying I'm an expert on any of this- I'm only saying that this is a bit of what I've learned over the years and the things that keep me reminded of my worth as a person, a wife, a daughter, and a mother.

I want to start with this- If someone wants you, nothing can keep them away. If they don't, nothing will make them stay. This goes with family, friends, romantic interests, even your own kids. We all have damaged relationships and if someone wants to be a part of your life, they will make an effort, not an excuse. They will call you just to hear your voice, not to just use you as a crutch when they need you. Stop allowing people to use you. You are worth more than those bad feelings that leave you questioning what you're always doing wrong.

Never EVER make or accept bad excuses for someone's abusive behavior. They don't do what they do because of you. They use you as an excuse to be let off the hook. It is never your fault if someone cheats on you, hits you, or hurts you. Your people are the one's that should be protecting you, supporting you, and making you feel loved. Not hiding you away from the world and making you feel like a piece of trash because they don't want anyone else to know how great you are. You know how kids work with toys, right? They don't want one until they see someone else playing with it. Once they know they have a good thing, some tend to get a little greedy. Grown-ups are no different. They're just a little bit more masochistic about it.

Allow God to save you from heartache. For whatever reason, religion seems to be a taboo topic. For me, praying has never been the wrong answer. In fact, I find when I've broken down completely and am pouring out tears while I pray, that's when I have felt closest to God. Remember, God didn't reveal himself to Kings and Queens that had all of the answers. He revealed himself to the lowly shepherd.

Don't try to change yourself for a relationship. ANY relationship. If it is not meant to be, no amount of effort is going to make it work. If it was meant to be, you wouldn't have to change everything about yourself. The right person will love you exactly the way you are, flaws and all. They may not like you and agree with you every single moment of every single day, but they will love you without question.

Slower is sometimes better. Stop rushing through everything! Enjoy the little things. This is a lesson I'm still learning myself. I'm a rusher. I rush through EVERYTHING. I have to constantly remind myself to slow down. To unclench my jaw. To walk, not run. To make my seconds and minutes count for more than how fast I can get something done. To play with my kids and enjoy the moment instead of rushing through just to "get home and relax". It's a good lesson... and we should all practice this one more.

Never dedicate yourself to one person before you find out who you are and what makes you truly happy. Being with someone who only likes the things you do isn't important, but being with someone who encourages you supports you and helps you grow is the most important part of any relationship.

If any relationship ends because they were not treating you as you deserve to be treated, then NO. You can't "Be friends" or "Keep in touch" Friends don't mistreat friends.

Never settle. If you ever find yourself asking, "Is this it?" Then you are with the wrong person. The right person will have you asking things like, "How did I ever end up with someone so amazing?" and "Could it really get any better than this?"

If you ever feel like someone is just stringing you along, then they probably are. Your gut instinct is usually right on the money. Listen to it. Your brain overthinks. Your heart over feels. But your gut is always right.

Don't stay because you think, "It will get better." You'll kick yourself in a year when things are not better. Time is something you will never get back. Don't waste it with the wrong people.

Stop trying to control everything. The only person you are in control is yourself. If you're faithful, devoted, and honest, then people should treat you accordingly. If they don't, move on. They are not worth your time.

Always have your own set of friends, separate from everyone else's. It's cool to have "our friends" and "Friends of the family", but it's always a good idea to have "Your friends" too. These are people you know that you can go to if you ever need advice without being judged. People you can just be YOU with instead of having to be "so and so's daughter" or John and Jane Smith's friends".

Maintain boundaries in how someone treats you. You're a person. Not a doormat.

If something bothers you, speak up. Unless you're with someone who is telepathic, you will never get anywhere by not speaking up. The silent treatment is immature and a form of abuse all of it's own. Quit expecting people to just know what you're feeling if you're not willing to tell them how it is. "Well.. they should just know". No, they shouldn't. You should be an adult and communicate how you feel.

Never let someone know EVERYTHING about you. They will either A. Use it against you or B. Become bored when you have nothing left to talk about.

You can't change someone else's behavior. Change comes from within. If they don't want to change, they won't. Period.

Don't EVER make someone feel like they are more important than you. They are just people. Nothing more. Nothing less. You are just as important as anyone else.

Never let someone define who you are. Don't change because they dislike something about you. If you're happy with who you are, that's all that matters. If they truly love you, they won't want you to change everything about yourself. In the end, your opinion of yourself is more important than any other persons.

Never allow someone to become comfortable abusing you. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

ALL men are NOT dogs. ALL women are NOT teases.

Don't ever be the one who is doing all the bending. Compromise is a two way street and if they aren't ever willing to do it, then they don't care about your feelings.

Dating is ok. You don't have to always go out with someone in hopes that you will marry them and start a family right away.

Let people miss you sometimes. When someone always knows where you are and you are always readily available to them, it's easier to be taken for granted.

Never EVER move into his/her/your families house! EVER! I cannot stress this one enough. When you move into your significant other's families house, they suddenly feel like they are entitled to control every aspect of your life and relationship. They feel it's their place to raise your kids. To tell you what you can and can't do. It's one thing to have basic house rules.. but to try and control a person completely is uncalled for and will almost always destroy a relationship.

Don't fully commit to someone who doesn't want to give you everything that you need. You'll only end up denying yourself and them something better.

You should never LOOK for someone to complete you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals. Look for someone complementary, not supplementary. When you find that, you'll feel completed.

You need time to heal. There is nothing cute about baggage and it can be stressful for everyone. Try and make sure you deal with all of your issues before pursuing anything new.

The right person will make you feel amazing. Not just when you think about them. Your relationship will be just as perfect in real life as it is in your head. They will never make you feel like you're wasting your love on them. They will appreciate you for everything you do and sometimes even the things you don't. They won't just say that they love and appreciate you. They will make you feel it. Now that doesn't mean everything will be perfect all the time. That does not exist. But it will mean that the good times are amazing and will come way more often than the bad ones.

If you ever feel like someone is just saying something, they are. The right words won't be said to just fill silence or get into your pants. You will be able to feel them. No matter how far away you are or how mad you are at each other. How frustrated.. whatever it is, they will always be able to make you FEEL their love.

Guys that ALWAYS want you to pay for things, especially on a first date are jerks. Girls that NEVER want to pay for anything are stuck up. Neither are worth your time.

Avoid people who have a bunch of different kids from a bunch of different people. They didn't marry anyone they knocked up or were knocked up by.. you probably won't be any different. Again, it's not all about marriage... but I can't imagine that paying child support on someone other man's or woman's kid is going to be beneficial to any relationship.

Never be with someone who is in a relationship. They aren't going to leave their partner. If he or she can't even uphold a promise they made to God to be together until death do them part, what makes you any different? If they cheated WITH you, they will cheat ON you.

Well I guess that about sums up my life lessons of the day. I hope whatever you're going through in your life right now get's better and that only good things come your way.