Relationship advise for Her : " When He’s All In, Then Out, and You’re Left Wondering What is Happening" ---

There’s a particular kind of dating experience that many people go through at least once in their lives, and if you’re reading this, it’s likely you’ve been there. It’s that frustrating, confusing, emotionally draining cycle where someone you’re seeing is incredibly into you one day, and then seemingly uninterested the next. You know the type—he texts you constantly, plans amazing dates, and makes you feel like you’re the only person on his mind. You think, "This is it! He’s really into me!" Only to find, a few days later, that he’s gone completely cold. The texts stop, the calls disappear, and suddenly you’re left anxiously wondering if you’ve done something wrong or if he’s lost interest.

The emotional whiplash can be exhausting. One moment you’re high on the excitement of a blossoming relationship, and the next, you’re plunged into uncertainty, second-guessing yourself, questioning every little detail of your last interaction. Was it something you said? Did you come on too strong? Did he meet someone else? It can feel like you’re living in two completely different realities—one where you’re the center of his world, and another where you don’t seem to exist.

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone. Hot-and-cold behavior is one of the most common dynamics in dating, and it can leave you feeling helpless and unsure of what to do next. But the good news is, understanding the reasons behind this behavior can help you navigate it more effectively—and most importantly, take back control of your own emotional well-being. And perhaps, just perhaps, there's a way you can turn the tile of his behaviour and capture his heart. How? What to do?

Let’s dive into the various reasons why he might behave this way and explore how you can respond in a way that protects your heart without compromising your self-respect.

**The Emotional Highs and Lows: What Does Hot-and-Cold Really Mean?**

First, let’s talk about what hot-and-cold behavior actually is. In its simplest form, it’s an inconsistent pattern of engagement that sends mixed signals about the person’s feelings toward you. One day he’s texting you all the time, maybe he is calling you "baby," making you feel like he’s genuinely interested in you and your life. The next week, the next day—or sometimes even within the same day—he goes radio silent, barely responding to your messages or showing little to no interest in making plans. When you try to make plans, he often finds excuses (I've experienced this firsthand), or he makes promises but fails to follow through.

It’s this inconsistency that drives people crazy because it creates uncertainty. Human beings, by nature, crave certainty and stability, especially when it comes to relationships. When someone you like is blowing hot and cold, it triggers a sense of anxiety and confusion. You begin to question everything. "Does he really like me?" "Was it all in my head?". Or maybe you know well that he likes you but still he doesn't put in effort and makes it impossible for your "romance" to evolve. He isn't focused on maintaining or advancing your connection. And that fosters negative feelings about him, making the situation unpleasant for you. This type of behavior disrupts the natural flow of connection and can make even the most secure person feel unsettled. Now, the issue is that there’s a significant difference between attention and intention. Attention is when someone simply seeks our notice and is looking for validation, wanting to explore something romantic. Intention, on the other hand, is when I have a clear vision for my romantic life and see myself actively creating and building something meaningful. When someone behaves inconsistently, going hot and cold, what they’re really demonstrating is that, for the moment, they’re more interested in getting Attention rather than in putting Intention into your possible future together.

Before we delve into the different scenarios of why this happens, it’s essential to understand that hot-and-cold behavior is often a reflection of the person doing it—his emotional state, maybe his need for more time to understand his own emotions, his priorities at the current moment or maybe his insecurities, or his fear of commitment, or his inability to communicate clearly. It’s rarely about you or something you’ve done, though it can feel incredibly personal when it’s happening to you. However, knowing the common reasons behind this behavior can help you manage your response and set appropriate boundaries that protect your emotional health.

Remember this : if he started showing interest is because yes he likes you but he has not reach the space where he took the decision to invest in you. And that is what you are going to try to obtain, if it is possible with the specific person you are involved with.

As you navigate your romantic situation, remember this golden rule: "Never invest in a potential partner solely based on how much you like them. Always invest in someone based on how much they invest in you." Most importantly, despite everything, enjoy the journey!

Now I will give you a few tips, depending on the scenario. Your goal is to understand if you are dealing with a guy worth keeping, or, if you are better off letting him go. By following my tips you will be trying to reveal if he is the right guy based on his response.

### **Scenario 1: The Early Stages and Overinvestment**

Let’s start with one of the most common scenarios: You’ve met someone new, and for the first few weeks, everything is perfect. He’s texting you first thing in the morning, planning dates, sending you cute little messages throughout the day, and genuinely making an effort to see you. The chemistry is off the charts, and you feel like you’ve finally found someone who’s as into you as you are into him. Then, without warning, things shift. The texts become less frequent. He stops initiating conversations as much, all of a sudden he doesn’t seem as eager to make plans.

What happened?

In many cases, this is a result of overinvestment—both on your part and his. In the early stages of a relationship, it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new connection. You’re both on a high, driven by the thrill of getting to know someone new, the potential of where things could go, and the rush of infatuation. But here’s the thing: infatuation is a powerful emotion, but it’s also fleeting. It’s not the same as deep emotional attachment, and it can burn out just as quickly as it ignites.

When someone comes on strong in the beginning, showering you with attention and affection, it can feel amazing—but it can also be a sign that they’re moving too fast emotionally. They might not even realize they’re doing it, but subconsciously, they’re pushing things forward without giving themselves (or you) enough time to really develop a stable connection. And when the initial excitement starts to fade—as it inevitably does—they pull back because they don’t know how to maintain that same level of intensity without feeling overwhelmed.

For you, this sudden change can feel like a rejection, but it’s not necessarily a sign that he’s lost interest. It could simply mean that he’s adjusting to a more realistic pace. He might be realizing that he needs to slow down and recalibrate his emotions, especially if he was overly enthusiastic at the start. In other cases, he might be pulling back because he’s unsure of how he feels and needs space to figure it out. The key question is: why does his need for space feel problematic for you? Why do you feel he's not providing the connection you crave, leading to insecurity and anxiety? The answer is that you've likely overinvested emotionally in him too soon. And... it’s also possible he has sensed this shift in your feelings, contributing with him distancing himself a bit. I’ve made that mistake many times. I get too caught up in the excitement of new love and invest so much energy into it that I lose sight of everything else. This approach won’t benefit your new romantic situation; it will only end up undermining it.

**What You Should Do :**

The most important thing to remember in this situation is to avoid overreacting. It’s natural to feel anxious when someone pulls back after being so attentive, but your reaction can either exacerbate the situation or help stabilize it. If you start chasing him, texting him constantly to see what’s wrong, or trying to get back to that initial level of intensity, you’re likely to push him further away.

Instead, take a step back and give him the space he needs to figure things out. This doesn’t mean playing games or acting like you don’t care—it means maintaining your own sense of independence and not letting his behavior dictate your emotional state. It’s crucial to avoid extremes, not to move from overinvesting emotionally into your connection to being completely aloof, cold and distant. Instead, aim for a balanced approach and practice patience.. Those two extremes are simpler than navigating the nuanced middle ground of balanced reactions, but you should steer clear of them. Aim to find that more measured perspective where you can think rationally about your situation. The first step is to stop valuing someone based on your feelings for them and start assessing them based on how they make you feel. Continue living your life, pursuing your own interests, and focusing on your own happiness. This last point is super important... focus on yourself only. Whatever that may mean. focus on your friends, your career, your hobbies. When you’re less available and more centered in yourself, you naturally regain your power. "You become more interesting to the very person who's still deciding whether he wants or not to invest in you. That definitely helps, doesn't it?"

And follow up this new attitude with your way of behaving and communicating to him. For example, if after a few days of silence, he sends you a casual text like, *"Hey, what’s up?"* don’t jump to respond with, *"Oh my God, I’ve missed you so much! Let’s hang out!"* Even though that might be exactly how you feel, responding this way shows that you’re too available and too eager to pick up where you left off.

Instead, try something more measured, like: *"Hey, nice to hear from you! I’ve been busy, but things are going well. How about you?"* This kind of response shows that you’re still interested, but you’re not sitting around waiting for him. You have your own life, and he needs to fit into it—not the other way around.

If he makes plans to see you, don’t drop everything to accommodate him. Be gracious, but set boundaries. Remember, he just contacted you on his own terms... so, responding back with too much enthusiasm and being too much available would be inappropriate. For example, if he texts you last-minute asking to hang out, you could say: *"I already have plans tonight, but I’m free next week if you want to get together then."* This lets him know that while you’re open to spending time with him, you won’t be at his beck and call.

By maintaining your independence and setting boundaries, you show him that you’re someone who values yourself, and that’s incredibly attractive. It also prevents you from getting too emotionally invested too soon, which is crucial in the early stages of dating.

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### **Scenario 2: The Career-Focused Guy**

Another common situation where hot-and-cold behavior appears is when you’re dating someone who is deeply focused on his career or personal goals.

This type of guy might genuinely like you, but he’s often preoccupied with work or other ambitions that take up most of his time and energy. While he enjoys your company and wants to see you, he’s not as consistent because his primary focus is elsewhere. He might go through periods where he’s fully engaged, texting you regularly, planning dates, and showing real interest, but then he suddenly goes silent for days or weeks because he’s caught up in work or other obligations.

This can be incredibly frustrating, especially if you’ve developed strong feelings for him and want more from the relationship. You might find yourself constantly waiting for him to make time for you, checking your phone to see if he’s texted, and feeling disappointed when he doesn’t prioritize you the way you’d like. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment and insecurity, as you start to wonder if you’re really that important to him.

**What You Should Do:**

First, it’s important to acknowledge that people who are highly career-focused—whether they’re entrepreneurs, doctors, athletes, or artists—often have limited emotional and physical bandwidth to dedicate to a relationship.

Worldwide Famous Footballer Ronaldo's wife had to accept immediately that she would never be her future husband's priority...she would always be second to football.

This doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care about you; it just means that their work or goals are their top priority. This means you are always going to come in second to him. The key question you need to ask yourself is: Are you okay with that?

If you’re someone who needs a lot of attention and emotional availability from a partner, dating someone who is career-focused might not be the best fit for you. It’s important to be honest with yourself about what you need in a relationship and whether this person is capable of giving that to you. If the answer is no, it’s better to address it early on rather than staying in a situation that leaves you

feeling neglected.

However, if you’re okay with the idea that his work will always come first, you’ll need to adjust your expectations and find a balance that works for both of you. This might mean being more understanding when he’s busy and can’t spend as much time with you, or it might mean finding ways to support him in his goals without feeling like you’re sacrificing your own needs.

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### **Scenario 3: The Commitment-Phobic Guy**

Another common reason for hot-and-cold behavior is fear of commitment. This type of guy might really like you, enjoy spending time with you, and even see the potential for something more, but he’s terrified of the idea of being in a committed relationship. His fear could stem from past experiences, where he was hurt or felt trapped in a relationship, or it could be a deeper issue related to his emotional readiness for commitment.

In the beginning, he might come on strong because he’s genuinely attracted to you and excited about the possibility of a relationship. But as things start to get more serious, he pulls back because he’s scared of what that commitment might mean. He might not even be aware of this fear, but it shows up in his actions—he’ll be hot one minute, fully engaged and affectionate, and cold the next, distancing himself or avoiding deeper conversations about the future.

**What You Should Do:**

Dealing with someone who is afraid of commitment can be incredibly challenging because it often feels like you’re being pushed and pulled in different directions. One day he’s all in, and the next, he’s acting distant or emotionally unavailable. The key here is to recognize that his behavior isn’t about you—it’s about his own internal struggle.

That said, you shouldn’t have to put up with being on an emotional rollercoaster.

Anyway, try to avoid mirrowing his behaviour by suddenly going yourself too cold. The mistake people often make is mirroring the other person's behavior in situations like this. For example, someone might think, "He was there for me when we were together, but now he’s gone cold, so I’ll stop investing since he’s not." In doing so, they end up mirroring that coldness themselves. An equally problematic outcome occurs when you go cold, attracting exactly the type of guy you want to avoid—the player or the avoidant. They become intrigued by your sudden distance and enjoy pursuing you, only to withdraw when you engage again. The person who gets excited by your withdrawal thrives on the chase, and the issue is that this dynamic doesn’t shift when you decide to reconnect. They aren't interested in consistency; they only pursue you when you pull away, trapping you in a repetitive cycle. Try to remain balanced. Letting him know your needs directly and clearly. Men are problem solvers by nature but we need to communicate to them exactly what for us is the problem, without expectations, letting them the freedom to choose to come back to us.

If you’re looking for a committed relationship, it’s important to communicate that clearly and to be upfront about your needs. Don’t try to convince him to commit or wait around hoping that he’ll change his mind. Instead, set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being.

Let’s say he’s been distant for a while because of work, and suddenly he texts you: *"I miss you. Can we hang out this weekend?"* Your instinct might be to immediately say yes, excited that he’s finally reaching out again. But if you’re always available when he decides to come back around, you’re reinforcing the dynamic where he gets to dictate the terms of the relationship. Instead, respond in a way that shows you value your time and have your own priorities.

For example, you could say: *"It’s great to hear from you! I’ve been busy too, but I’m free next Wednesday. Let’s plan something then."* This response acknowledges his effort to reconnect but also lets him know that you have your own life and won’t just drop everything when he decides to show up. It’s about setting boundaries while still keeping the door open for connection.

If he’s been pulling away and you’re starting to feel insecure about where things are going, have an honest conversation with him. Because, if he’s a guy who hasn’t yet decided how much to invest in you, it’s your responsibility to guide him gradually, with patience and tact, if you want to keep him around. If he offers excuses like that, it’s your chance to communicate your standards. Text him something like this :"I understand—I have a lot going on too—but one thing I really value is consistency. We have a great time together, but I don’t feel very connected when we’re apart." Or you could say something like: *"“If I’m being honest, I’m a bit surprised you want to go on another date. I haven’t felt very close lately since I haven’t heard from you much. I just assumed we weren’t on the same page anymore.” In this way you communicate the problem to him without an overdrammatic tone. *

This approach should reveal if the guy is deep down interested to invest a bit more than he is currently doing. If he responds with more excuses or avoids the conversation, it’s a sign that he’s not ready for the kind of relationship you want. In that case, it’s up to you to decide whether you’re willing to continue seeing him without the promise of commitment, or if it’s time to move on. Remember, it’s better to know where you stand early on than to invest months (or even years) in someone who isn’t capable of giving you what you need.

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### **Scenario 4: The Shy Guy Who Struggles to Express His Feelings**

Let’s talk about a different kind of hot-and-cold behavior—one that’s not driven by emotional unavailability or fear of commitment, but by shyness or insecurity. This scenario is a bit more rare, but it can still cause a lot of confusion. You’re dating someone who clearly likes you, but he’s hot and cold because he’s too shy or unsure of how to express his feelings. He might not be pulling away because he’s losing interest, but because he’s overwhelmed by his emotions and doesn’t know how to navigate them.

For example, he might be very affectionate one day, but then act distant the next because he’s afraid of coming on too strong or making you uncomfortable. He might struggle to initiate conversations or physical intimacy, not because he doesn’t want to, but because he’s unsure of how you’ll respond. This type of hot-and-cold behavior can be incredibly frustrating because it leaves you wondering if he’s really interested or just too scared to show it.

**What You Should Do:**

If you think you’re dealing with a shy or insecure guy, you’ll need to be the one to take the lead in the relationship. This doesn’t mean doing all the work, but it does mean creating an environment where he feels comfortable opening up and being himself. For example, instead of waiting for him to make the first move, you could initiate plans or suggest activities that allow you to spend time together in a low-pressure setting.

If he seems hesitant or distant, don’t take it personally. Instead, approach the situation with patience and understanding. You could say something like: *"I really enjoy spending time with you, and I feel like we have a great connection. If you ever feel unsure or need space, just let me know. I’m here to support you."* This kind of reassurance can help him feel more comfortable expressing his feelings without fear of judgment.

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### **Final Thoughts: Protecting Your Heart and Regaining Control**

No matter which scenario you’re facing, one thing is clear: you can’t control someone else’s behavior, but you can control how you respond to it. Hot-and-cold behavior can be emotionally draining, but it’s important not to let it dictate your self-worth or your happiness. The key to navigating these situations is maintaining your own sense of balance and independence.

Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, communication, and consistency. If someone is consistently inconsistent, it’s a sign that they’re not ready or able to give you the kind of relationship you deserve. That doesn’t mean you have to cut them off completely, but it does mean that you need to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries that protect your heart.

But please, after reading my article, still keep in mind that here we’re generalizing and offering advice that may apply to many situations, but each one situation will always be unique. Even when I provide suggestions for your current love situation, remember that there’s always another step to take afterward. Every dating scenario is an evolving story, not a fixed one. When we take action—even a positive one that differs from our previous approach—it leads to a new scenario and a different chapter in that story.

So, the bottom line is that I can’t address every specific situation or answer every question in your evolving narrative. Ultimately, you need to be your own best advisor and find your own answers. My advice is here to support you, but it’s not a substitute for your own insights.

Ultimately, the most important thing you can do is trust yourself. Trust your instincts, trust your worth, and trust that the right person will show up with the consistency and effort that you deserve. You are in control of your own emotional landscape, and by setting clear boundaries and maintaining your independence, you can navigate the ups and downs of dating without losing yourself in the process.

Disclaimer: I utilized an AI tool to assist in writing this article, but that doesn't mean my own words, original perspective, and opinions aren't present. I also researched various viewpoints to enhance my understanding of the topic. The AI helped improve the overall quality of my writing, but I invested significant time and effort into this piece. Thank you for reading!