Reddit Red Flags Series - Episode 3 - Green Flag Addition

I'll be honest, the title and first few sentences made me feel uneasy - that's why we read everything before coming to conclusions.

This is the post of someone who is clearly very much concerned with their girlfriend's well-being. This person is considerate and respectful. I suspect that in the beginning, when the relationship was newer and they weren't aware of the major gap in income and how that would affect her.

As the relationship progressed, they noticed the hardship on their partner and wanted to make things farier. This person wants to provide more financial relief to their partner. I think that is pretty amazing.

Remember this as a standard. We should naturally be able to expect these things from our partners. Relationships need this type of love and support, and they are made to last.

But let's not ignore the red flag.

The response from the girlfriend may cause us to want to flinch away from the idea of this being a healthy relationship. That isn't to say it can't be worked out, and I hope it does. It seems like she's got herself a good one.

I could be wrong, but the defensive response of the girlfriend is a strong indicator that she has been financially abused in the past. This triggered a familiar feeling in me, one that I struggle with in my family to this day. My ex-husband financially trapped me in a country where I had no family or friends. He would refuse to allow me to go to university or take me to interviews (he wouldn't allow me to use the vehicle either), then he would shame me for being 'useless' in our relationship and complaining to his friends in front of me about how I didn't have a job yet.

The abuse went deeper than that, but the financial entrapment was just the tip of the iceberg.

Abusive relationships are an endless cycle for those with generational trauma until we're able to break free of it. Even today, in my happy family, where I am safe and secure, I struggle with defensive behaviors that try to happen automatically.

"I don't want to feel 'kept' or 'less independent.'"

Similar words have been spoken by me when I did not want what someone was offering. I don't want to feel like I am indebted to someone. Or that someone has something on me. It's hard to accept that sometimes there are people in this world who love you enough to support you without expecting anything in return. When you have never been safe and your value has been questioned and diminished for a long time, you feel that you must prove your worth by accepting no help at all.

It's a constant struggle to relax and be taken care of when your body is used to being on guard. When you've lived a life where every gift, every ounce of help you had, every moment of reprieve was later 'owed' back to people. When asking for help is harder and scarier than facing the entire world alone, you learn to be...alone. To do everything yourself. To NEVER depend on anyone, lest someone demand EVERYTHING from you for the least tiniest amount that they could have done.

"I did this for you... Now you OWE me."

"You're SO ungrateful! After EVERYTHING I've done for you!"

"Haha, you're worthless. You can't even solve this on your own?"

"Okay, I'll help. But you'll owe me later."

What's the best way to heal these kinds of wounds in someone?

Repeated exposure to genuine love and kindness with nothing expected in return. For a long, long time. I have been in a secure situation for a long time, but I still experience defensive feelings over money and being taken care of. And I know I'm not the only one. The husbands in the home become down and stressed when they feel like they "should be able to provide for their families" when money is tight. My sick sister feels fraught with guilt over not being able to work (but she's sick, she shouldn't have to worry about this).

If you have someone in your life who has been financially abused, please be patient with them. Be open and honest with them. Remind them that they are not alone anymore, and people who love each other help each other for no other reason than the love that is there.

It's a long journey to healing, but the only way to make someone feel safe, is to let them be repeatedly safe in your presence.

It's as simple and as complex as that. Like a paleontologist reassembling a fossil. Slowly, gently, and lovingly.

Find my fictional fantasy book "Memoirs of the In-Between" on Amazon in paperback, eBook, and hardback.

You can also find it in the Apple Store.

Use the code J3F-HK4-I0K for a 20% discount on your purchase of my book on the Campfire Reading app.

And if you like pretty things, check out my Printify Pop-Up Store! Full of whimsy and variety, you'll find something there for almost everyone. And if there isn't, you could leave a comment and say so. I will legit try to make you something you like. :)

Like and Follow the Memoirs Facebook page here!