RAW

I'm in the last years of my life where according to the dictionary I'm a teenager. It is weird to say but, I've honestly lived life and I still am don't get me wrong it's just thinking back to what I've been through. The first sign of truly growing up was I felt guilty for just idly sitting. I reviewed my day only to find out that I spent the entire day watching a tv-series. But back to the main point mama, I'm grown!

RELATIONSHIPS

My apologies but this IS our beginner. We are starting off with the one thing others want to have and others they definitely want to avoid. I'm terrible at getting these and keeping them. If I know you and you're reading this, hey it's been a while. You should text me.

Grown-ups used to say your circle gets smaller as you grow older but I grew up overweight and my circle was already small either way. I grew up attending a private school and everyone's clothing size was always available at the store but not mine. I was bullied, there I said it, which generally made opening up the hardest thing because I felt as though I didn't fit in. Society threw jabs at people who looked like me and into every encounter I had I felt like the minority automatically. I realize now that I have had an inferior complex for a while and by a while, I mean over 10 years.

I've been trying to build a relationship with myself. I mean 'Who are you really?' we are surrounded by so many opinions every day that I was losing my voice. You couldn't hear me in public but I replayed all the conversations in private and I laughed louder and cried harder and was even more infuriated by myself. I knew though that I never wanted to be fake. Over everything, I promised myself to be raw and natural and love that person before I try anything that conceals me but I was unaware that I had a fake personality. I pretend to be this quite shy girl but I really do not know who that is. Funny story;

My high school crush was the reason I forced myself from behind the crowd. I would wear hoodies every day to school and did not care but when this guy came into the picture, 30 minutes spent changing my outfits in the morning and I even learnt how to draw eyebrows. Like this guy was making me act differently and I had never said two words to him before. This is not a fairytale so nothing happened. But through that, I picked up a passion for Fashion. Wherever you are high school crush, thanks.

Despite my mess up though I used Fashion to get into my University program and that is my biggest gain. The relationships I have had with people have always been me walking around eggshells because I had an indoctrination that I was less and would always be that. If I'm with a friend I knew they were better than me and there is nothing wrong with that but I was in a phase of I'm the baddest in the room. You know when your self-confidence is at a 10 (in your head) and the way you dress, act, walk have to match that. I was trying to get there. But I've learnt that only makes me look down on others and I'm trying to chase after perfection but it is so exhausting to maintain that lifestyle, especially cause I'm so clumsy. I realized I'm not her and frankly, I don't want her.

Body dysmorphia is the word. I never got a diagnosis but hearing the symptoms for the first time I was checking off some boxes. Not going to lie I was concerned but knew I had to work on it. Have you ever had a confrontation with the one thing you want to run away from? It's not appealing at all but talking to someone about how to see myself and all my insecurities helped. I needed a listener and there was someone there.

To be honest with you, it's a process but I'm not doing it alone and it hurts me when I hear the word suicide because it hurts to think someone thought that the world was better off without them. It hurts even more that they felt alone and couldn't confide in anyone.

Dear Reader

I can never walk the same road that you have walked, no one can if you don't ask for help. Allow yourself to be able to admit that you are struggling. It's not being a burden but it's asking for help. It's not being dramatic it's having the courage to deal with whatever is weighing on you. Just keep going and hopefully you find comfort in these words. Because everything is going to be okay, just hold on. Allow the right type of change to help you move past whatever holds you back.

Yours Sincerely

A work in progress