Putting things in their place

Four years ago I was a happily married woman to a man I always thought had my best interest at heart. We had a whirlwind romance and I fell very deeply in love. He seemed to be everything I had ever dreamed of until one day the betrayal I felt has never been repaired.

I had been at such peace with my beautiful and healthy daughter that was only two and a half months old and to the man that helped produce her. He had been perfect during the entire pregnancy. I was so obliviously happy that I guess there were signs I should have seen but I didn't.

It is still so raw and fresh in my mind; that hurt has never left. I have only learned to live with it and put it in it's place. That day as I was feeding our daughter in the living room enjoying my first week back to work and coming home to my amazing baby my husband came out of our room and looked distressed. I thought possibly something happened in his native country involving his family or his daughter he had from a prior marriage. No, it wasn't any of that. Rich simply said to me "I want a divorce, this isn't working out and I am moving back home." My heart shattered.

At times I still don't understand how he could so calmly tell me he was leaving without a tear in his eye. All he did was rub his legs up and down nervously with his hands as he sat there with a straight face and said "I haven't been happy in a long time and I never told you." The lack of anxiety he must have had to even tell me he no longer wanted me should have been my answer as to does he still care?

We went back and forth several times for the next few hours with me asking him question and question. The eeriness of him being so calculated with his answers was alarming. Rich was the one person I truly trusted with every part of my being and even though this man that stood in front of me physically was Rich, emotionally and mentally this was a man I knew nothing about. Did I really know him at all? Wasn't four years enough of knowing someone truly?

All I thought of was how could I be so foolish in choosing to have a child with him and yet there were elements to this man I had no idea existed. Then the overwhelming feeling of I have let her down started breaking it's way through. Suddenly, I didn't care anymore about me; all I wanted was to make sure my child was happy and healthy. I told myself Christine you are going to make sure she always knows how much you wanted her and how much she is loved by you.

The countdown immediately started upon his permanent departure. Rich had said that like with his other daughter and their arraignment he would fly here once a month to see our child and he wasn't going to abandon her. I internally was hopeful for my daughter but I knew he wasn't going to do his part.

As the days continued faced with the reality of becoming a single mother shortly I was destroyed mentally. Many hours of just laying in bed and seeing him next to soundly sleeping made me burn inside. How could he sleep at night knowing he wouldn't see the gift from God we created everyday? How could he sleep knowing the fact I hadn't eaten in three days out of devastation? Rich was able to go about his day as if us divorcing was the best decision of his life.

I became more and more consumed in my thoughts as to were there signs that were there but I chose to ignore. Replaying every memory so vividly in my mind. Even me expressing to him how worried I was that things would change after the baby being born. Rich as usual reassured me nothing would change except us having the family we have always wanted.

Rich left and never looked back. He came back once to see our daughter and then became more and more distant. This shell of a person I once knew was no longer the same man I had fallen in love with. After his only visit with our daughter he became nasty towards me and belittling during every brief conversation we had whenever I asked if he was planning to send money, clothes, diapers, or formula. Mind you the entire time of our relationship I kept a roof over our heads. I clothed him, fed us, took care of everything monetary due to the face he was unable to work here without a VISA. Luckily, I took my moms advice she always said to us growing up; "never be at someone's mercy." That should have been one of the major signs I was going to end up doing a lot of things alone.

There were signs but because I desperately wanted to be happy I ignored all of those red flags. I know that I can look at my little one who I absolutely adore and know that I chose to ignore those signs so I could be blessed with her in my life.

So many times when she was asleep at night I would cry; missing him and missing the married life I thought we had. Some days were much harder than others. I struggled with wanting to be home with her every moment of the day but also contending with having the same full time job for the last ten years. I didn't have a choice to pick what's happened in the past, I can only choose how I can be now.

I choose to let my daughter see that I am happy because she is in my life. I want her to see that even though he isn't around we became our own family and have one another. I hope as she gets older and questions arise that she will realize that no matter how much hurt he has caused that I would go through it all again to have her. As the time has passed I have learned to laugh again, enjoy life, and be the best mom I can be because I have her. Things have been put in their place.