Primal Beauty

things used to be too nuanced to even expose.

but somehow, humanity has a way of taking the mundane, adding complexity to it, monetizing the essence of its confusion, until it's so unrecognizable, that we all cry "mental health."

have we gotten this far away from ourselves, that virtual reality is the only path to happiness? that cradling our phones every waking second of our lives gives it existential meaning?

from the beginning of social media on Tumblr, the tail end of the 2000s, I put my life out there like the next Carrie Bradshaw; never sure how far questioning life would get me, but ultimately knew that the more authentic and relatable these questions I asked, the more attention I'd get.

this attention multiplied a myriad "selves" and suddenly, I was respected for being this nuanced writer that held truth like a badge, no matter the cost.

I feel a little responsible for influencing this reality we live in of "labels as definitions to every facet of the human experience."

my followers looked to me to be real. expose, evolve & elevate.

but in this shell of slight narcissism, a BIG savior complex and unfortunate multiple personalities, I feel like I was apart of a bigger picture of deception; the more you bring to the surface, highlight the obvious and give definition to the inexplicable, the more you're being real?

here and now, I'm here to expose one more truth.

it's all a lie.

anyone who is this talented with words, can't be fully trusted.

words not only start wars, they change.

they enforce laws to deny trans women their own humanity. they cloak white men & women in interracial relationships, as therapists rather partners. they bring children to leave families that abandon them because love is just said, and not shown.

words matter, but they change.

it's one of the many reasons why I go through periods of not writing at all.

because what I write changes me.

"spelling casts spells." said by the elusive Erkyah Badu.

to funnel through the lies, to remain true to yourself,

you should listen to your body more.

you should understand that your physicality has a lot more answers than words will ever give you.

trust your gut.

listen to your dreams.

spend more time alone.

question everything.

but keep your answers to yourself.

so you're probably wondering why I'm writing this if words are deceptive?

well, because it's still my gift.

and as a creator, maintaining that balance of owning the light and dark, is what keeps you fresh, unique and always a student.

all I can do is expose the truth more, because that's what makes my experience worth the sacrifice.

the honesty, the genuineness would all be for nothing if I didn't tell my experience.

the unfortunate baggage is the narcissism, the confusion because people see me as a vessel of helping them, rather than a partner in crime where we share our emotional baggage together.

I achieved this balance not because I wanted to, but because my obsession with honesty broke relationships.

to be associated with me, you have to honest with yourself.

trauma + honesty = self-mastery.

the more you face these uncomfortable truths, the more revolutionary you become.

instead of fighting trauma, I became one with it.

I allowed it to challenge why I needed attention to feel more like myself.

this road isn't easy. it's scary as fuck.

and my creative arsenal blossoms.

my experiences become that more nuanced.

because it's all a Faustian's Bargain to push me further.

further to purity and honesty.

no matter how dark those truths may be.

try it sometime.