Pillows of Hope

This morning as the sun began to peak above the horizon, you chose to reach for me. Your hand moved over my skin, from the small of waist and your fingers caressed their way to my heart. You pulled me close and my body was aroused by your touch, my hips slid into place, fitting perfectly against yours. I felt you hard against me and my whole body trembled in response to thought of you inside me. You whispered good morning, calling my lips to yours, as I turned my face to you, you pressed your lips to my cheek, then found my mouth and gently kissed me awake. As we kissed, I rolled my body to face you and wrapped myself in your arms, taking you in mine too, slowly pulling our bodies togethers as one. I was consumed with love for you and had to bury my head in your chest to catch my breath.

I wanted the moment to last forever, lying there wrapped around one another. But you began to pull away, anxious to start your day. In a moment your desire for me fled and you let the day’s responsibilities creep in. I felt crushed at the thought of watching you leave, and I squeezed tightly, pressing my lips to your heart, then as our eyes met, I prayed you’d see them begging you not to go. But you kissed my forehead gently and rolled out of bed. As I lied there missing you, the chill that replaced your touch on my skin felt devastating. As if you’d pulled part of my heart from my chest. I shut my eyes tight, to hold back the tears. I tried to bring back the feeling of your body pressed to mine and hold the thought to comfort me. I yearned for you, like every day before and the wanting filled me with so much pleasure it hurt. I wondered why, after 18 years, this fire inside still burns for you. Would it ever subside? I needed it to stop! How many more times could my heart break and still fill with love for you. I wanted the pain to go away and yet I prayed it would never end.

As you left for the day, you leaned in to kiss me goodbye, I so wished you could feel the wanting inside me, and more than anything I longes to feel it yours. There’s was a time when I could have convinced you to climb back into bed with me with just a kiss. But your lips were cold and goodbye came quickly.

Throughout the day, I thought of how much I loved you still. Was it wrong to want someone so much, so completely all the time? Should I fight harder to replace these thoughts with more practical reasoning? What was it doing to me? To think of you like this all the time, to be able to recall every touch on my skin, every moment of passion we’ve shared, every feeling of desire you stir. Was it unhealthy? But how could I stop, loving you made me whole. How lucky I felt to be so consumed with love for you, but I couldn’t help and wonder if you’ve ever felt the same. Was I setting myself up for disappointment, I needed a distraction. Just get you out of my head! But as the day drew to an end, I couldn’t ignore the butterflies in my stomach, the anticipation of seeing your face, kissing your lips, and feeling your arms around me. Even though I knew we weren’t going to be on the same page, my mind couldn’t help but hope somehow you’d been pining for me too!

When you walked through the door, I couldn’t feel your presence. You were a million miles away, likely still brooding about the days work. When you spoke, your words were cold and distant, and when we touched, there was no electricity, as if we didn’t know each other at all. I tried to reassure my heart that this disconnection was temporary, but I knew better, it was the same cycle we had been in for years. My mind, my heart, my body…they knew what to expect yet once again my heart broke a little, love spilling from it as I silently cried over another wasted moment, another little disappointment to my day buried itself in the cavern of my soul. Driving doubt and fear into my thoughts.

We finished our nightly routine, dinner with the kids, speaking meaningless words to one another until the sun began to fall low in the sky. And like every night before, we climbed the stairs to our bedroom, where only hours before I longed for you with every fiber of my being. The gap between us felt impassible as we prepared for bed in silence. I suffered silently, feeling unwanted, longing for affection, and resenting your lack of consideration for me. As I pulled the covers back to climb into our bed, I saw two pillows pulled close together in the center of the bed, where our bodies laid as one that morning, and immediately love filled my broken heart once again and hope returned. I was reminded of the way you and only you have ever made me feel, how you fill me with so much passion I can barely breathe without it. In that moment I just wanted us to find our way back to one another. So, when you came to bed, I chose to forget the disappointments I felt, and I placed my hand on your chest, looked into your eyes and sighed an I love you. You pulled close and that hope within me grew a little more. Then you kissed my forehead, reached for the light, and said goodnight.

I wanted to scream, to pound my fist in your chest and run away from the pain that radiated from my heart through the rest of my body. Even your hand on mine felt heavy and uncomfortable. But I laid there enduring the pain and heartache, telling myself your hand in mine should be enough. But it wasn’t I wanted all of you, and once again you didn’t want me.

As I listened to your breathing slow as you fell asleep, I turned my back to you and moved away so I could no longer feel the heat of your body. Holding my pillow tight, I buried my face as tears fell from my eyes. I prayed for change, in you, in me, for the yearning inside me to be replaced with a peace. But as I was just drifting to sleep, you rolled over and gently tucked in behind me, pulling your pillow to my side. And we were one once again, I’d sleep well till morning. The truth I knew, but didn’t care, was I’d endure it all over again.