Phoenix Phase

Jean Grey my family members began to call me, but that’s not my real name. I go by Rime, that’s what you can call me. Rime Labo. Based on the X-Men character Gambit, his real name was Remy Lebeau. Which is my middle name but it’s spelt differently, pronounced the same.

I’ve always been proud of my whole name. Honored because my first name is Tiana. Which means Princess in Greek and my middle name is based of my favorite marvel couple Gambit & Rogue. The original “ Animated series, which is an Canadian-American superhero animated television series.” “Which debuted on October 31, 1992, in the United States.” “On the Fox Kids Network.”

Although my middle name is Gambits real name. I’m still connected to Rogue. Since Rogue loses her powers in one episode and they kiss, in the comics she ends up marrying Gambit and even has his 2 kids. Rogue goes by Mrs.Labo. I’ve always loved both characters, but I’ve always been more connected to Rogue’s character.

I myself feel like an empath, so in a sense I can relate. I’ve never liked to be hugged or touched by others especially since I feel as though I can empathize and pick up/feel other peoples energy or moods. I decided to take a further look into it. I found 15 signs that your an empath.

I started looking into the signs and for starters 1. I have a lot of “empathy.” 2 “Closeness and intimacy can be overwhelming for me.” 3 “I have good intuition, and 4 “I take comfort in nature.” Sounds very familiar. Just like Rogue. 5 “I don't do well in crowded places.” 6 “I have a hard time not caring.” 7 “People tend to tell me their problems.” 8 “I have a high sensitivity to sounds, smells, or sensations.” 9 “I need time to recharge.” I read online “Heightened sensitivity to other people’s pain can be draining, so empaths may find themselves easily fatigued,” Which happens to me quite often. “Even an overload of positive feelings might exhaust you, so it’s important to take the time you need to reset.” 10 Which for me is very important and I can’t stress it enough! I don’t like conflict! They say “If you’re an empath, you likely dread or actively avoid conflict.” Which I do. Also 11 “I often feel like I don’t fit in”, never did and never wanted too. I’d rather stand out then fit in any day. I continued to read “Despite being highly attuned to the feelings of others, many empaths find it difficult to relate to others.” Like myself. Which brings us to 12 “I tend to isolate myself.” It’s said that “Isolation can help empaths recover from overwhelming emotions so completely shutting out the world may seem healing.” 13 “I have a hard time setting boundaries.” It goes on to say “If you’re an empath, you may struggle to turn off the ability to feel and find it impossible to stop giving, even when you have no energy left.” Giving me chills because it’s so on the nose. 14 “I see the world in unique ways” and last but not least 15 “I sometimes find it tough to cope with sensory and emotional overload.” Which all of these signs couldn’t be more right.

Just like Rogue’s powers. Minus the fact that “Rogue is part of a subspecies of humans called mutants, who are born with superhuman abilities.” Which I am not. Also “Rogue has the involuntary ability to absorb and sometimes also remove the memories, physical strength, and superpowers of anyone she touches.” Which is completely fictional and I can’t do that. I can relate to Rogue in the sense that “Rogue considers her powers to be a curse.” Sometimes I feel like me being overly emotional can be my biggest gift and curse at times as well.

But all the sudden everything’s changed. Their calling me Jean Grey because of my rage. It’s pretty suitable. I’m boiling inside my tiny cramped aching body. My mind is a fiery hell with ferocious flames towering, scorching hot. A treacherous place for anyone to be, including myself.

Although it seems I’ve always had a hidden darkness within me, underneath all the layers of tenderness and weakness. The more acceptable version of myself, now more than ever this darkness has emerged. This side of me is here, and fully awoken. Free outside but trapped in my own mind. Another part of me was awoken the day I got hit.

Funny thing about it, as I mentioned earlier, my favorite marvel tv serious was released on Halloween day of 1992. Who would’ve known 26 years later on Halloween day of 2018, when I was just 17 years old myself I nearly lost my life. It was that Halloween morning that completely altered my life. I was just 17 years old when I felt like the world I knew and who I was , was taken away from me, just like Rogue was 17 when she was lost and found professor Xavier. I may not have found my professor Xavier, but I found something even better.

Within my darkest hour of my life, I found my greatest inner strength. A will power within myself I never knew and never would’ve known had existed had this day gone any differently. Although I spent years wishing it never happened and things could just be the same again. It did make me a stronger, wiser person. An inner strength and persona I didn’t even know had existed within myself was brought to light. She was fiery and lovable but different and everyone knew.

I left my house that Halloween day of 2018 dressed as Harley Quinn, one of my favorite DC comics characters but when I left, I left as Tiana. The happy, fun, loving girl I was known to be. When I came back I was still me but was I ever really Tiana again? I still don’t know the answer to that. I’ve been trying to find my way back ever since.

Struggling to get back to who I was before that morning. Knowing part of me died on that floor, knowing another part of me was reborn in the process. Like the Phoenix herself. I ended up dying my hair red, the way I always wanted to but never could. Fiery! Just how I felt inside. I even ended up getting a blue butterfly tattoo to symbolize renewal/ rebirth. Symbol for life and change . I thought I was outgrowing my old self but maybe I was finally embracing a side of myself I never explored. A very unfamiliar side. A very satisfying side.

Everything had changed about me not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. I didn’t know what to feel or how to feel, but I didn’t feel like me, not anymore. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. I felt like anything but. I felt so disconnected to who I was before I nearly died. Death changes you.

I remember that day like yesterday. It was the worst day of my life and yet the strongest I’ve ever been and ever had to be. The flash of a bright light blinding me right before my body flew in the air and before it smacked on the concrete. My adrenaline was sky rocket. I’ve never felt anything like it.

The amount of pain I felt, I could never forget. The amount of strength it took to keep going, to get up, to make it, to survive. I had super strength to get up, screaming all the while. I managed to get up from where I landed and walk over to the side walk and it was there I clasped. I was in unbearable pain and I couldn’t move.

I suffered a concussion, now I’m diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome. That day a darker side of me awakened and I dreamed it when I shut my eyes. There’s a furious, inflamed alter ego. I guess thats Jean but she’s a big part of me now. She’s almost one with me. Sometimes I have episodes and sometimes my personality changes. I easily black out, lash out or just snap but that’s not me. That my friend is who they’ve been calling me , Jean.

The strength it took to survive was only the half of it. Everyday since has been a battle. I came home not even knowing how bad it really was til I saw more professional doctors, and it was bad. I nearly snapped in half bad. I feel the pain even mentioning it but I don’t have to mention it to know it’s still there. It forever lingers around with me. At times I’ve been tricked into thinking it’s gone but it never truly disappears. I can be perfectly fine and boom! Jean isn’t going away. She’s living with me. She’s my inner darkness I’ve been vibing with.

Eventually, after a couple therapy sessions and wearing a back brace for 2 years straight. I’ve improved and recovered a ton. I was never truly myself again. I’ve had to survive just dealing with it alone. The rage , some how it became my friend. I needed to feel angry, I needed to feel rage, it’s what got me through it all. It’s what fueled me. I was powered on anger and rage and somehow being angry kept me sane from completely losing it after everything I had endured and experience during and even years after. 2 years of my life was completely taken away from me. Some how my anger was the only thing that made sense to me. I understood my madness because I was the one living in it. What happened, changed me and it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. Sometimes it didn’t even make sense to me but Jean gets it. She knows what it took to get to this point. She fears no one. The worst has already passed. Jean may not be my real name but she is a part of me. Although a part of me was taken away, another part was given. That inner darkness always existed. Even when I didn’t know it. It was that darkness that gave me the inner will power and a great strength to push me through my darkest hour of my entire life and some of the most darkest and brutal days I’ve had to face. I had to get through the dark to make it to the light and through the light it was the darkness that followed me home. A sparkling, wild, can’t be stopped darkness. An enchanting, beautiful darkness. It could’ve destroyed me but it didn’t. It didn’t destroy me. If anything it fueled me and empowered me. It gave me a greater strength, a strength I never knew I even had in me.