People who are liked don't have to apologize

I was reminded of her when I overheard Britney's Everytime in a coffee shop. I had already forgotten this song, if I remember correctly, it has been ten years since I first heard this song, and ten years ago, she was very fond of listening to this song.

I can't name her, and I've thought about replacing her with another name, but I can't find the right word, so I'll just stick with "she."

When I think of her, I feel a strange guilt in my heart. In fact, she and I are not lovers, nor are we very important friends, but we are unlikely to be strangers, so I can't categorize her. In the end, the only one I can find is my classmate.

Ten years ago, she was a girl who liked to keep her hair short and would come about an hour before most students at noon. So am I, but I'm in class to do my homework, and she's here to listen to music.

We were separated by three rows of tables, me in the second row and her in the fifth, not because of height, of course, but because of grades. She has been called to the office by the teacher scolded many times, do not do homework, do homework, miss the homework, fail the exam, dictation, etc., even the teacher's mouth she has belonged to the type of self-abandonment.

And that summer afternoon, we were alone in the classroom, sitting quietly. She was looking through her headphones at the lyrics book that came with the cassette when she suddenly came up to me and said, "Can I ask you something?" She looked at me lazily, waiting for my answer. She came in with a kind of underachiever's wariness, so to speak, and if I said I didn't want to help, she would have left right away.

"Well, you say."

She took the lyric book out of her hand, pointed to "Wings" and asked, "What does that mean?"

"Wings."

"Oh, I see. So, 'I fell without my wings' means' I didn't have wings so I fell'?"

I nodded reluctantly. The translation was a bit stiff, but there was no problem.

"Don't fly without wings. You won't fall."

That's what she said at the time.

At that time, she was still an ignorant girl in my heart. According to the truth, I would not have much intersection with her, but maybe it was the accidental help that she began to like to ask me some questions in the afternoon.

"Do you find studying interesting?"

"It's all right."

"So in the eyes of the good students, learning really isn't just an act to please teachers and parents?"

"Not really."

"Why can't I find anything interesting in books when I'm about the same age?"

She naturally will not look at the textbook, a semester down, a little handwriting on the book is not, just like the new book, and she was turned over the "Fire youth" written by Left Qingwen.

"Zhan Ling Yang is very handsome!"

"But what is there to worship about virtual people who don't exist?"

"So that's what nerds don't get."

Sometimes she would preach to me in the afternoon, but it was still just the two of us. At that time, because of the long summer break, most people would take a nap until 2:30 to set out from home, and no one would walk in until the bell rang at three. She and I would sit in the classroom at 1:30, and she would listen to music and read novels for the whole hour and a half.

"Why come to class so early when you can enjoy it at home in bed?"

"What about you? Why do you have to come to the classroom to do your homework when you can take it home and write it?"

"This......"

"So don't ask anyone if you can't find the reason yourself."

After all, we are not friends, at least not in my opinion. We have completely different values and outlook on life. I can't agree with her at all, and I often tell her that she should focus on textbooks, but she just turns a deaf ear and says, "Can you lower your arrogance as a good student? Not everyone thinks your life is right. At least I'm one of them."

The only good thing about her is when she asks for words. Maybe she is eager to learn a certain song, so she must know the words clearly, otherwise she can't sing it out loud.

"What's that you listen to every day?"

"Britney's Everytime, why?"

"Just curious."

"I thought you wanted to hear it."

"Not at all." In fact, it is a lie, the reason why I asked, is really interested in, maybe she asked the general idea of the lyrics, I have been attracted by the colorful pictures in the lyrics book, and even want to hear how the song in the end.

Until one noon at the end of the summer, she suddenly covered her head and began to cry. At first he sobbed quietly, then he cried completely.

"Why are you crying?

'It's none of your business!

"All right."

"Well, don't tell anyone! Do you hear me?"

"I see."

My mouth does not say, but in the mind mutter, do not know this guy in the end is which tendon is wrong, usually even if the teacher scolded the dog blood head, face will not be a red person, how can suddenly cry.

Then I got very close to another good girl in my class, almost to the point of dating. One day around that time, I walked into class and she wasn't at her desk, and she never showed up for lunch.

I went to the bathroom one day, and I looked up to see her standing on the railing on the third floor, her back to the sky, listening to a song. I took a detour up and she seemed a little upset to see me.

"Why aren't you in class anymore?"

'It's none of your business!

"All right."

I turned to go, but she suddenly stopped me, "Hey, let me ask you something, you answer me honestly."

"You say."

"Am I a hopeless man?

"This......"

"Yes or no, you must tell the truth."

"... Not."

"Why not? She looked straight at me as if she wanted to know the answer.

"Every time you come to ask for words, you make me feel that you are still very curious, by rights, such a person can not be bad."

"You really think so?"

"Tell it like it is."

"Would you like to hear the song?"

I didn't say no that day. We were standing in the hallway outside our third-floor classroom, our backs to the sun, and she slipped me an earplug. The first time I heard that song, it was as if I suddenly understood the reason for her afternoon obsession.

After the end of the summer, we returned to the winter schedule, and the noon time became very hasty, so there was no so free afternoon time, and I never spent alone with her in the classroom. She is as insistent on doing her own thing as ever, and does not care what others think. After the winter is over, we will graduate. Before graduation, she came up to me out of the blue, handed me the cassette and said, "Here you are."

"What is it?

"I learned to sing, and then, to graduate, as a souvenir, I have nothing else to give."

"Is it so sad?" To lighten the mood, I made a joke.

"Perhaps. I think you'd like it, too. There's nothing else to give, though you always talk about it."

"Thank you."

"Before we go, can I ask you one last question?"

"You say."

"If, of course, I said if, if a girl like me came to you, would you accept it?"

She deliberately stressed the words "me". I hesitated for a long time, but she first opened the mouth: "Well, I know."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"To say yes, it is against my heart, but it is not because of the grades and discrimination, but, in the feeling, I don't think I can agree."

"Well, that's a good reason for me, but I want to say that you have a crush on someone who is really no good! But, whatever." "She said, giving me a big hug, and as if suddenly realizing something," Well... You wait." She snatched the cassette out of my hand, wrote a few words on the inner seal with a ballpoint pen, closed the lid and handed it to me.

"Well, after graduation, goodbye."

I didn't open the cassette on the spot. I took it home and read it. When I saw the phrase "People who are liked don't have to apologize, even if we have different lives," I was shocked.

As it turned out, I was still moving forward in my life, while she chose to stay in her teenage years in a self-indulgent way. Then she disappeared into my world, and I left her sight. It's still hard for me to define our relationship, and it seems to be even harder to explain because of the nearly demagnetized cassette.

I seem to understand the feelings of the people I love when they finally leave and say "I'm sorry".