Peace in the Storm

Peace in the Chaos

Ryan and I stood at the edge of the massive lake and watched the distant sailboats on the horizon as they drifted over the crystal surface of the water. “That looks so great! We should go try it, Linn. I remembered seeing signs for boat rentals at the entrance to the park!”

I smiled back at Ryan and sighed happily, “Yeah, that sounds wonderful.”

“I’ll be back in a few!” He said, hurrying away towards the docked boats and the harbormaster's office.

I watched after him and then looked back to the boats sailing under the fluffy cloud-filled sky. This was something I loved about Ryan—he was so spontaneous, so willing to try new things. He wasn’t like my other boyfriends… they were the kind of guys that liked to let others live life to the fullest while they sat back and watched everything move by them…usually leaving me to pick up the pieces of their laziness. Ryan was fascinating, though, because his best feature was the way life excited him, and he always wanted to bring me right along with him.

Days like today, as Ryan excitedly chats with the harbormaster, I can ignore the red flags I’d noticed like the way he’s never had a serious relationship even though he’s 40. Or like how he can make me madder than I’ve ever gotten… to the point I can’t even think clearly as I sob. He also has this way of thinking the worst in so many situations, almost seeming paranoid sometimes as he accuses me of things I would never even think of doing. But today… I can forget about that. Today he’s the perfect guy… and I can pretend the other things don’t matter. I already knew today was the day he was likely going to ask me to marry him… and you know… maybe it was time to say yes? I could live with all those little red flags… because at least he is a hard worker, and at least he wants to live life to its fullest potential.

“They said we can rent it for the day!” he grinned handsomely, and I found myself smiling warmly back at him. With that, we pushed the boat out onto the water, and started to let the wind guide us wherever it wanted us to go. At first the wind was calm, and the water gently lapped at the sides of the boat as Ryan and I laughed and chatted about things that had happened at work the previous week.

I was always utterly content in nature, while most people enjoyed nature but couldn’t really handle the kind of silence that the blowing wind and singing birds could offer. To some, it sounded like chaos, but to me… there was peace in that chaos, and I loved it. Today, it was the same… Ryan kept trying to talk to me, but my eyes were closed, taking in the symphony of the birds chatting in the air, the lapping waves, the flapping of the sails, the distant sound of frogs and crickets chittering. I found myself smiling as water lightly started to sprinkle over my cheeks, allowing me to feel refreshed and light. The sprinkling suddenly turned heavier there, and then I heard the distant crack of thunder.

I opened my eyes, pulling myself out of nature’s orchestra, and I instantly became utterly aware of a very panicked and frustrated Ryan. He’s hollering about the rain, about the waves that have turned from calm to wild as we teeter in the center of the massive lake. “I’ve been calling to you!” He growled out, shoving one of the lines into my hands to help him.

We’re clearly in the middle of a storm now—I can see that as I look up at the nearly black clouds scattered occasionally with purple and blue as the lightning brightens the sky. Though Ryan seems panicked, I find myself oddly exhilarated by the colors, by the wildness of the waves, and by the cool breath of the wind as it mixes with the rain splashing over my face. It’s so fantastic, even with the boat rocking a little more than one might like—somehow I know we are safe.

Ryan, however, does not have that safe feeling. “Oh my god! The boat is going to capsize!” he screams, running around the deck like a chicken with his head cut off, “We need to get back to shore!” he growls.

I sigh, smiling back at him, “It’s fine, Ryan. We can just wait it out here since we are so far out. My dad used to have a sailboat when I was a kid. He always said that if you were stuck out too far, it was safest to just stay low or get inside the cabin and close the windows and stuff. It’s not a big deal.” I say gently, touching his shoulder.

Instead of calming him, however, my words seem to spark rage in his light gray eyes… and they seem to be clouding, transforming into a similar storm to what we are experiencing. I take a step back in surprise, “This is a big deal, Linn!” he hollers, throwing his hands up at the storm as if I don’t see it. My eyes widened, “We have to do something!”

I shake my head, “Ryan, we need to just stay low… we will be fine.” I reiterated, trying to calm him. The problem was that nothing seemed to work, he was losing his ever-loving mind, running back and forth on the deck, trying to pull on the line, trying to make the flapping sails do what he wanted them to do—somehow not realizing they wouldn’t listen to him. Finally, I realized if he didn’t calm down, he would make us sink. He was being careless in his search for safety instead of trying to find peace in the chaos.

When he seemed adamant that he would not stop his pulling and tinkering, I finally let out an irritated sigh and rose, taking the rope from his hand. He looked back at me with wild, uncertain eyes as rain pelted both of us from every angle. “Sit down. I’ll get us back to shore.” I say sternly. He tried to argue again, attempting to pull the rope from my hand, but I yanked back, “I have sailed boats many times, have you?” I hit him with a stern glare.

His hands fell then, and his fear finally showed itself in the vulnerable look on his face, “No…” he admitted weakly.

“Ok, then sit down, and let me figure this out… you’ve knotted up all this rope.” I tighten up the sails, so they aren’t open since the wind was trying to rip them away. Once everything is back in shape, I go low but sit on my heels by the wheel as I try to pull it towards the shore. I’m cautious not to turn to the point it might tip though. Once we seem to be on a straighter shot back towards the docks, I sit down on the opposite side of the boat from Ryan. He’s still panicking, still complaining—still doing a whole of nothing helpful.

I close my eyes and wait for the storm to pass. It doesn’t take long for the lightning and thunder to start distancing themselves from us, and then the rain’s heaviness starts to lighten up. Then I see the peaks of sunlight pushing through the still slightly angry clouds. I didn’t waste time as I stood up, unfurled the sails, and steered us fully back to the docks with my teeth gritted in silent concentration. I said nothing to Ryan even though he was back to his normal chipper self, completely ignoring the fact that he almost caused us to sink because he couldn’t handle what was happening.

It’s funny… I hadn’t thought the red flags I’d noticed with Ryan were that big of a deal, but when we were in the eye of the storm, Ryan was not a good partner and was not a good leader. I knew then, just as we pulled up to the shore and got out of the boat, that I couldn’t be with Ryan anymore. I needed someone who could be my calm, not my storm… and Ryan? He was definitely the storm.

I didn’t feel bad when I ended things, even though he was furious, yelling, and throwing a toddler’s tantrum. I also didn’t feel bad as I hopped into my car and drove away as he stood by his own car, watching me in confusion as I left him. I followed the road towards the horizon, watching as the now setting sun glowed behind a distant sailboat.

I smiled.