Painting Over You

Not everyone is sentimental, not everyone displays emotions in the same way. When I was young, I was good at bottling up emotions. I easily went months if not years without crying, or showing anyone how upset I may have been. While I don't think it was a healthy way to deal with emotions, I was young. It had this idea that tough people didn't cry. I wanted to be tough. It wasn't until later in life that I realized the comfort of a good crying session, or how malleable our emotions can be.

While crying may have a therapeutic component, I do not wish to seek it out. Nor do I try to entertain its causes. How many times does a certain situation or person have to make you cry, before you realize you're not where you're supposed to be?

Breakups tend to be hard. They are made worse when you feel that you have given your time and love to someone who doesn't want it or, someone that doesn't match your expectation. Yet, we seem to set up these relationships that leave so much room for hurt. We end up getting into relationships quickly and stop seeing other people; focusing in on just one.

While I am part of this seemingly generational phenomenon, I think we make it hard on ourselves. I guess a personal example is as good as any. How about the 11 month relationship I just ended?

I focused completely on him. I tried to think of him, to go out of my way to love him. After just a few months our connection felt special. What a dangerous feeling. There were subtle hints of selfishness, or an unwillingness to open up his heart.

Aren't expectations confusing when we date one person, yet have no commitment to say that it is forever? I didn't know what all I could expect of him. How much reliance should you put in this kind of relationship? What a position we put ourselves in. Perhaps it would be better to not rely on a soul until it was committed to yours.

Now we have broken up. I had my last straw. While I know he will not love me unconditionally as he should, it is hard to forget the good and the less enjoyable times. Both can sting in hindsight. Eleven months seems like a good chunk of time, especially when it feels as if it were spent in vain. In past breakups I have dwelled, gone back, fought, cried, etc. This time is different.

I decided that this time I'm painting over him. I'm changing our pictures. I'm covering his letters. I'm erasing my drawings.

Is that a bold statement? I feel as if it should be. Have you ever experienced the power of re-writing or painting over the past?

If each day the sun rises and sets, so will I. If there are plants that open each day and close each night, so will my heart. If bones can break and heal back stronger, I shall do the same. If the Earth can renew itself season by season, my heart will make it through this and move onto the next.

In his place are flowers. Beautiful and like love, change with the seasons. After all, we had a beautiful summer in full bloom. Just like each relationship before him, our relationship budded, bloomed, wilted, and died. Do you want to know the most beautiful part of all? That's exactly where I need to be to grow again. And I am more than okay with all of it.