Paint It Black

Once more, we are fighting. She is not holding back. I am not holding back either.

We have held back for a long time. We are rarely alone, so we make efforts. To make things go well, we both put our conflict stuff aside.

But not today, as we are alone, for a few hours. We're fighting verbally. We don't get physical.

She requires that I never drink alcohol when I am with her. It is an absolute requirement, no room for negotiation.

It's hard to relate to it. Her anger. The anger takes her because I cannot accept her version of our deal.

- You promised that you should not drink when I'm with you.

 - I didn't say that.

 - Yes, you did.

 - No, I didn't say that. 

 - I hate you when you drink! You're becoming so stupid! 

 - I said that I will not drink in the weekdays, 

 - so stupid, and I hate your furry smile. And you talk. You're almost not talking otherwise!

 - I said I will not drink in the weekdays, nor at the weekend. That's what I said.

 - Yes, and you're not keeping your word.

 - I am. Not in the weekdays, not at the weekends. That's what I said. But when we're at a party, that's different.

 - That's not what we agreed.

 - Yes, it is. I will not stay away from beer or wine when we're at a party. I've told you, I've made that clear.

 - No.

 - Yes, I did. And that's what I repeat to you now. So you can take it or leave it.

 - No. I don't accept that!

 - Well. If not, you just have to go away, then. You move out!

 - I will not move out! It's not me who has to move out. 

 - Well, then do whatever you want. I am so sick of this.

 - I am too. 

 - You don't want to be with me. You are criticizing me and you are rejecting me. You make me beg to be together once a month.

 - So you say I am begging you! Well, I am not! I am not begging you!

She is very upset. She goes away, takes her coat and is on her way out.

- Listen. That's not what I said. It's me who has to beg you to be together with you. Sleep with you!

I walk after her, to the doorway. She takes her car keys, leaves the house.

- Listen, I say, - I said it's me who is begging to be with you.

- No way!

She goes to the car.

- I am sick of you! Leave me alone!

- But I tell you - that's not what I said! I want to be with you, but I have to beg you, and you reject me almost every time! Listen, now listen - I don't want this. I want to be with you, have good times together, that's all.

She does not hear my words. I look after her as the car rolls out in the street.

I feel awful.

I did not want this dispute. It came today because for once we were alone in the house.

She told me, like every time we have an argument, that I am not good enough. I am not good enough because I once, some weeks ago made a mistake. I drank beer and wine, just like the other guests at the party. I got angry. So I told her she fails too, rejecting me in bed.

I know that was a fault. I let her know she's not good enough either because she doesn't meet me. I should not have said that. But when - after all - is it permitted to talk about those things? She says she has no lust. She says she doesn't feel for it. Okay, I can understand that. It is a problem, it's not easy.

Her claim for total abstinence from beer drinking makes it difficult for me to find an agreement.

Photo by Hudson Hintze on Unsplash