Out Of The Shadows

The sound of the letter box startled me. The clattering of some envelopes on to the hard floor. I didn’t move. None of them would be for me anyway. A load of junk to a load of unknown names. People whose lives had also existed here at some point, just as mine was now. Existing.

I don’t know how long I’d been laying there staring at that stain on the ceiling, pondering over whether it had gotten bigger, wondering if it was a leak from above. Not that it would matter if it was, what could I do about it? What could I do about anything? The distractions like stains on the ceiling didn’t distract me for long.

I wasn’t even sure if I’d slept. At all. I remembered closing my eyes a few times but I didn’t remember waking up at any point so could only assume that meant I hadn’t slept at any point either. Everything confused me these days. I didn’t know when I had last slept properly even when I had slept. The buzz of adrenaline coursing through me had been ongoing for some time now.

I’d barely left this dump since I’d got here two months ago. But it was my safe dump. Any time I had dared venture out, I’d be looking over my shoulder constantly, scared of anything moving too fast, anyone coming towards me. That constant sick feeling, thinking someone could see me, watching, waiting. My breath quickened at the thought.

I instinctively shoved my hand under the pillow, a moment of panic until my fingers made contact with the familiar feeling of the book. That little black book. My lifeline? Who knew, but it was the only thing that gave me any comfort or feeling of security. My life was pinned on it and it was scary to feel your life balanced on such an inanimate object, but the contents were living. But right now I even felt scared of living. Then again, was I beyond the point of being scared now, what would be would be and how much worse could it be? Well, that didn’t bear thinking about. But more importantly I had the photo. That kept me going more than anything. My brain flipped. I did have the photo, didn’t I? I yanked the book from under the pillow, breathing out as I drew it up in front of my face, flipping it open and seeing the image. There she was. Rosie. Dear, sweet, sweet Rosie. Standing on the beach, the waves at her feet, hand on hip and the sunlight making her hair and skin glow like an angel’s. The perfect white smile completing the illuminated vision of perfection. Our last holiday together. She was everything I’d ever wanted and more. I imagined holding her in my arms, breathing in the scent of that salty hair, her warmth against me. But I had no way of knowing if that would ever happen again and I couldn’t afford to think about that.

I pushed myself up, looking around the room. The peeling wallpaper, the dirty floor with no carpet, the rotten window frames.The sun was shining in through the window, through the grey nets that hung limply from a wire above, speckles of dust dancing and sparkling in the streams of light. I didn’t know what time it was but from the sounds outside I guessed it was gone nine in the morning. I had to get ready. Just get myself looking somewhat presentable and get to that court. My day of reckoning. It had been a long time coming and the anxiety had ramped up to it’s fullest now.

I hung my suit up on the back of the bathroom door as I showered in the hope that the steam would smooth out those creases. I’d read about that somewhere I’m sure. Or maybe mum had told me, she was fanatical about creases. I’d never cared. But it was irrelevant because it didn’t work, anyway. Now I was wondering if I was somehow managing to look even more of a mess than I felt. Surely not possible? Not that I even had a mirror to look in to confirm either way.

My shoulders no longer filled the shoulders of the jacket. Weight had dropped off me. The stress, the barely eating, the barely being able to afford to eat. The desire to disappear. They’d all played their part it seemed. I’d have to do. I grabbed the book, flipping it open to quickly kiss the photo of Rosie before closing it and slipping it into my inside pocket.

I stepped to the front door, pausing. It looked bright outside from what I could see through the frosted panes. The sounds of the traffic amplified in the tiny hall pace, echoing the chaos of my mind. I had to go, I had to get out there and do this. Take this dreaded journey.

I yanked at the door, the wood squeaking against the frame barely shifting. I tugged harder and squinted into the sunlight as it finally sprung open towards me. The smell of car fumes and fried food wafted through the air. My stomach gurgled, when had I last eaten? Setting foot outside felt better than I had expected, not that I had expected much. But I hadn’t expected the feeling of the sun on my face to have quite such an effect. The walk would be long, I’d need all the energy I could get, maybe solar-power would do the trick.

It WAS long and as I turned into the main road and neared the court I felt weak from the sun and lack of food. I thought I could see the back of someone familiar. A woman, standing with a man. He was facing me, looking down, then he looked up and nodded over her shoulder, I didn’t recognise him but he seemed to recognise me? The woman turned and I could see it was my lawyer. I thought as much but I wasn’t expecting her to be here so early. Maybe I was late after all. I was confused.

She started to move towards me and as she did so I saw... her? Was it her? Was I imaging it? Standing beside the unfamiliar man, holding his hand. Rosie? What was happening? I couldn’t compute what I was seeing.

‘I had no way of contacting you...’ My lawyer spoke as she got to me. ‘So I just had to wait until now.’

‘Yeah, I, what time is it, why is...’

She cut me off, placing a hand on my shoulder. ‘Listen, it’s over.’

I looked at her blankly. I couldn’t understand what was happening. I moved my lips to speak but no words came out. I tried again but she spoke before I could. My eyes darting between her and Rosie and the man.

‘One little hint towards possession of that book and the deal was sealed. He settled out of court two days ago, agreed to everything we asked for and more.’ She was smiling smugly. ‘Even this.’ She was holding up an envelope, peeling back the flap, revealing a wad of notes. ‘Twenty grand to see you over...’ But I was distracted. It was over her shoulder that I cared about right now. ‘And there’s a whole lot more to come, the house, cars...’ I wasn’t listening, I was watching as Rosie pulled her hand away from the man and started to run towards me, that beautiful hair blowing around her face, her arms reaching out. ‘Full custody, quick divorce...’ She was still speaking, I still wasn’t listening. I dropped heavily to my knees, tears streaming down my face as I held up my own arms and she ran into them.

Rosie was crying too as she wailed ‘Mummy! Mummy!’ I wrapped my whole tiny self around her even tinier self. I felt the impression of the book in my pocket pressing between our hearts. Everything, absolutely everything, would be ok now.