Our Dream

Dear Papa,

Do you want to know a secret? I dreamt of you again last night. You had blonde hair and blue eyes in this one, unlike the night before, where you were brown-haired and brown-eyed.

I've never seen you in real life before, not even in pictures. There are none of you. Mama doesn't talk about you ever either. Ever. So all I have is this: my dreams of you. Whether I see you as small or tall or happy or sad, it brings me comfort to know someone, anyone, is there. I wish I knew you or saw you once, though, so I could have a permanent image of you in my head instead of dozens of different yous.

In last night's dream, you were fishing for a—what was it called—catfish? You were out for hours, waiting and waiting by the edge of the river for one of them to take your bait.

None ever did, though. But you were so persistent, so patient, it made me somewhat sad. You put so much time into something, all of you. You were a humble human being. I liked this version of you, wanted to keep you. I hope to dream of this you again.

But anyhow, I sat beside you the whole time, barely speaking a word to you besides telling you how beautiful the river was. It glittered in the summer sun and reflected us sitting together. A picture of its own. One to keep.

Just when the sun was setting, you looked at me for the first time all day. That's how I remember you looking: your smile small but genuine, your eyes gentle and full of love, your skin tone dark against your light-colored hair. You were so young-looking for a father. Almost like a boy in the body of an adult. Beautiful.

"Valeria," you said to me in a low, calm voice. "Look at the sun setting."

I looked out, saw the collage of yellows, oranges, reds, and pinks. It was so amazing how it only made the sun stand out more instead of blend in like you'd think it would.

"What do you see?" You whispered. Your eyes didn't leave my face, looked mesmerized by me even.

"I see the sunset, Papa. Is there something more I should be seeing?" I wouldn't be able to tell you why, but I wanted to see what you were seeing more than anything else. I could only imagine what wonder you saw in the simple colors.

"Well, that depends, Valeria. Do you want to see more?" You splayed your arm out, gestured to the world around us.

"Yes, Papa," I said enthusiastically. "I want to see it all."

You chuckled, held me tight, looking out across the river. "Right now, all you see is a sunset. You see colors, sky. I see..." You sighed in awe. "I see an ending. After this sun sets Valeria, and the moon too, a new day comes. A new beginning. A chance to start over and live differently. A new reality where anything is possible."

"You see so much in one thing. How do you do it, Papa? I want to know, so I can too."

Now you were looking me dead in the eye, serious. "Hmm..." You didn't lose eye contact with me but seemed to be in an entirely different world, thinking. "I suppose... Valeria, you should know one thing first before you could ever understand: The world is an adventure. One twist, turn, move, and your destiny changes. People think that they need to make it to this one destiny and only this destiny in order to find purpose in their life. But here's the thing: there isn't just one destiny or end game. There are infinite possibilities to the way things may go.

"So when I tell you that the sun setting means the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one, I'm really telling you that there are still a billion things waiting for you. Don't let what happens today affect your tomorrow. This is the end of today, remember? So don't hold on, let go, and start fresh. It's only when you live every day like it's your first that you can appreciate the wonder of the world and its beauty."

I sat, looking at you with admiration and awe. I wanted for you to be the one. You felt right. We felt right sitting against a tree at the mouth of the river together. I loved this you, Papa. Was it really you?

"I understand, Papa. But I don't want to forget you. In the morning you'll be gone, and someone new will appear in my dream. But you are... Papa. The right one."

"Ah, Valeria, that is where you're wrong. I am one in an infinite number of possible fathers of yours. Don't you see? You are holding on, trying to keep what should not be kept onto. You need to let me go."

"But—but I've found you: the one in an infinite number. Haven't I."

"Come close. Let me tell you a secret." You held my hand, whispered into my ear, your eyes glittering. "I love you too, my sweet daughter. And it is because I love you that I must leave with the sun."

The realization came over me, filling my heart with happiness and despair. You were him, but you had to go.

Tears spilled down my cheeks then, and you wiped them away with a gentle hand. "I will still remember you. I will always love you, Papa. And I will forever cherish the world as you did."

I don't remember much after that, except that a sailboat sailed up to us then, close in the fading glows of the sky, halting in front of us. It was strange; no one was handling the boat. It had drifted to us by itself.

You told me you had to go, go out with the tide and sun. And even though I didn't ever want to let you leave me, I knew I had to. Only physically, not mentally. You had already been gone physically for a long, long time. But now, mentally, I never had to let you go. Ever.

You didn't turn back to see me, only looked ahead as you sailed away into the night. Even your light blonde hair faded into darkness the further away you went.

Then you were gone. Gone with the sun like you had said you would be.

So there, Papa. In this one dream after having dreamt one like it every night for the past eight years, I found you. The right you. The forever you.