Onward

I went somewhere new with you.

I didn't know what to expect, didn't even know how I'd like it. But I liked you. We talked, we laughed, and I thought, this is really nice. I felt so connected, so in synch. How did it all go so wrong, I wondered at first. But you held it all in. I told you so many times, this is all new to me, and I encouraged you to tell me what you were feeling, or if things changed, and I thought that when we talked about those things, we ended up in a better place. But I guess that wasn't so.

I can't know unless you tell me. Why didn't you tell me? My god, you blew up on me. I was so scared. I was so hurt. And it was such a different kind of hurt. You zoned in on my weaknesses and used your words to attack me. We've weakened her defenses, launch a full attack. Ha! Look at her cower away like a beaten dog.

I played right into your hand. You scoffed in my face and said just as I expected. So I kept my mouth shut, tail between my legs. I let you take control because I didn't know any better. So after I left, after all the things you said, I sat alone in my car and sobbed and wailed.

But I found my strength. I went to my people. I was reminded of what I knew.

What I know is that I am strong. Stronger than you. Kinder than you. I love with all my heart, and I have so many emotions, but I'm not ashamed of that. I am a leader, I'm passionate, and I get braver and more confident every day.

---

I am seated at a cozy restaurant, dimly lit at night with soft music playing in the background. Simple and pretty lights were strung along the brick walls, red curtains accenting the large windows. From one of the windows, I could see the view of the lake. A few small boats passed every now and then, their red and green lights catching my eye.

A waiter came forward with the bottle of wine, a towel draped over one arm.

He gently pours the merlot into my wine glass, then takes the second glass and second set of plateware off the table, leaving just my plate, a basket of warm rolls and single glass of Merlot. "Enjoy. It came from Napa Valley. Let me know if the one we chose suits you. I'll be back soon."

I thanked him and gave him a light smile before he walked back toward the kitchen. I sipped on the Merlot. I immediately was pleased with the delicious flavor. Lush and plum, just what I was looking for. I grabbed a bread roll from the basket and dipped it in the serving oil. It is so much better than the plain butter on rolls.

For a moment, I looked round the restaurant to see a few couples. At one of the tables, a woman put her hand over her date's hand, gently rubbing their fingers and smiling up at them. You could easily tell the strong chemistry between them. Often, seeing couples like this made me quite jealous when I was single. But today, it didn't bother me. I made a commitment to myself to start to truly fall in love with myself. To know myself better, to not dwell on people and relationships.

So this was my first time really taking myself on a date. That is what makes it perfect, really, because I don't have to compromise with myself. I don't have to go to this extra effort to try and please myself. I am treating myself right, treating myself the way I deserve.

It is so freeing.

The waiter returned. "How is the Merlot?"

I smiled wide. "Oh, this is absolutely perfect, thank you."

"Always a pleasure." He smiled back. I told him what I had selected for my meal and he went on his way. While I definitely enjoy the meal itself, the best part is dessert. After my main meal was finished, the waiter brought out one of my favorites - a large slice of cheesecake, beautifully dressed with some raspberry glazing, not too much, and not too little.

As my spoonful made it to my mouth, I could taste how light it was, just the right amount of fluffy for a perfect cheesecake. I asked him about the Merlot so I could find some at a local store on my way home.

Once I had arrived home with a bottle of wine and leftovers from my meal, I leaned down to give my cat some chin scratches and head pats. I put on a calming instrumental music playlist, grabbed a book and got undressed before making my way to the large bathtub in my studio apartment.

I started to run the bath water and place in a bath bomb that smelled of flowers. I made my way back to the kitchen area where I popped open my new bottle of wine. I pulled out a glass from the cabinet, placing it down and pouring in the wine.

I got into the tub, slowly, enjoying the rosy scent. Grabbing my book and pulling my wine closer to me, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

This was my perfect date night. And I couldn't wait for my next one.