OK, Cupid

So I went through a few dating apps, and I've stayed with OKCupid for the longest.

I've never tried online dating before. I must say it is quite overbearing at times. Some of the men need Jesus, or a smack from their mommas for some of the things that come out of their mouths.

One guy on a different site straight up asked me if I'd be "dtf"; I find it more appalling that he couldn't even type the whole request out. I, at least, deserve an entire sentence.

One OKCupid, I have found a surprising mix of men that are not entirely disgusting.

No, I do not use my real name. No, I do not add my real city.

I do use my real age and I put down my actual interests, it's still me. It's just as a woman I have to take extraordinary precautions, you know because god forbid I reject one mans message and then he goes on a hunting spree. A very real dilemma even today.

But that's another article.

Today let's focus on the positives of this app.

I love the questions they ask so you can get more accurate matches. I also like the suggested prompts you can post on your profile, from favorite movies to most embarrassing moments, it's interesting to see what people answer.

I've met a few men through this app and while I haven't met any of them in person, texting them has been an adventure in itself.

The Lawyer

The first man I started texting was a Lawyer about two hours from me. He seemed pretty normal at first. He handled criminal law (very interesting), 32, MMA 'fighter' (his weekend workouts), and he was fairly cute. He's about 6'3", brown hair, green eyes, he was originally from Texas, his parents from Mexico. We didn't have a lot in common but we had intellectual conversations about criminal law. I'm not a lawyer but I am a nerd and an amateur writer, so the law is something I actually enjoy learning about.

I was seriously thinking about meeting him in person, after getting the vaccine of course.

But then one night, while shamelessly flirting, he asked if I could do him a favor. I asked what it was. He asked if we met up, if I would just call him 'sir' and not by his name.

I asked him why?

He said, and I quote directly, "it's customary for a submissive to address their dominant by either 'sir' or 'master'."

We had not discussed that avenue of pleasure before, and even though I'm interested in that dynamic; I will not date someone who expects it from me without bringing it up at all.

When I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that, then he said that our time was obviously finished.

The defense rests.

French Chef

About a week after the debacle with the Lawyer, I met this 35 year old sous chef from Marseilles.

My favorite part of the app is that you can sort them people from all over the globe. It's quite nice to scan through non-American men, no offense but I can only take so much of American men with flags on several articles of clothing and thinks that a night out is a bar date with just Coors. Not even Corona, whats a girl gotta do for a bottle of beer with a lime wedge?

Anyway, back to the Chef. Like I said, older but he seemed very nice. He gave me a wonderful recipe for rosemary chicken breast with brussel sprouts. He asked me how we prepare street tacos in Southern California, I was more than happy to oblige. It's our sworn duty to educate the world on proper Mexican food.

We had a few lovely conversations about food and our travels; he was an avid traveler, He said he took a cooking tour of Italy a few years back and told me about a vineyard outside of Florence along with a recommendation of a cute B&B nearby that Rick Stevens did an episode on.

Since we live on opposite ends of the globe, meeting up in person was not possible. So we texted a lot, and flirted a lot more. He was very cute, with an impish smile and thick curly black hair and dark eyes like coffee. And incredibly well-built, I have to applaud his workout regime.

One night, while flirting, he asked if I had ever been spanked before. I said that I have. Then he asked if I'd ever been spanked with a paddle. I said no, just with hands.

The very next question was if I had ever had a foursome and been peed on.

...incredibly specific, no?

Then he showed me a picture of his 'Red Room', cleverly named after 50 Shades of Grey. Or so he said.

I cannot unsee that image, it will be burned in my brain forever.

I'm not opposed to the aesthetic of a pleasure room, I'm curious about a lot of it. I'd like to experience it at least once in my life.

What I don't want to try is 50 Shades of Grey with an intense furry fetish. INTENSE. A full horse model in that room makes no sense.

He asked if I would be interested and I said no, I wasn't even sure what exactly I was looking at in that picture but from what I could deduce, my answer was a resounding no.

He thanked me for my recipe and we parted ways.

The Navy Man

This guy was in the Navy, obviously, as a nurse. So sweet and nice and super nerdy, like me, so we talked about a lot.

We both loved art and drew a lot so we sent each other illustrations we were working on.

He was very nice, very sweet. Even sent me a digital bouquet on Valentines Day. He was based out of my hometown and we started discussing places we liked to go to and eventually, maybe we could meet up when his tour was over. I was pretty excited about the possibility.

Here was this sweet, cute, and very smart man my own age who was interested in me.

I thought I hit a gold mine.

That was until I found out he was married.

With 3 kids.

Seriously? His WIFE emailed me, asking me what I was doing sending illustrations to her husband?

The next day his profile was deleted and I never heard from him again

So. There's some ups and downs with this.

I do appreciate the feature where you can mark if your into monogamy or not. I have no issue with a consenting couple if I was approached by one, and yeah I have been approached by a few. But it's another issue entirely when someone is on a dating site without their spouses consent.

I'm going to keep doing it though.

Even if I don't find someone to actually date, I'm enjoying collecting a series of stories about the people that try to entice me with a sad dick pic.

Makes for great stories to gossip with my best friend about.